What if you could never have sex again?

[Stigmata]

[block quote start]Without sounding whiny here, I am just stating the facts as I see them as I work to sort out what to do... I have tried to do what a few have mentioned. I say I need a neck rub so I take her hand while watching tv and put it on my neck... that will provoke an argument. "I told you, I don't like touch and when you do something like that, it makes me feel forced and it is a sign that you don't respect my feelings. You told me that you'll do anything for me, even if you don't understand or are not in the mood and what I am asking of you is that you respect the fact that I cannot touch right now. Maybe I will be able to again after I lose some weight but right now it is something I cannot do, so start respecting my wishes and not force me into an uncomfortable situation"[block quote end]


-- AGA. Two things. First, never ever ever again tell your W you will "do anything for her." especially even if you don't understand. That's a huge suck of power from you right there. She does not have carte blanche to do or feel like she can do whatever she feels in your R. Period.

Second. "I don't like touch." WTH? Does sh have that horrible painful disease where if something touches her skin her skin falls off? At some point you're going to have to stop enabling this behavior and demand that she open up to you about what the hell is bothering her so much. And, if not you, then an IC or MC or psychiatrist.

Now. Don't ask me to explain the irrational comments that Fs sometimes make but this one is a doosey. "Maybe after I lose some weight" I can touch you? WTF?

This makes about as much sense to me as an soup sandwich.

You're asking her to just simply rub your neck. That's all. What the hell does her losing weight have to do with putting her fingers on the back of your neck--even as a freaking friend? How will that affect her caloric intake or exercise burn?

Is your neck made of cake? [scratching head]

Does she have a sense of humor? Man, I would be all over this one. Like this:

"Ah, what better way to burn some calories and exercise than by starting with moving the fingers? Like they say, gotta start gradually. [grabbing her hand again]. Come on. My neck's killing me, you have great hands, and I need your mojo to get the knots out."

Is she ever playful? If she still resists after this and becomes bitchy about it [which I can't imagine in my sitch] I would be very direct/curt with an F who did this.

"All I am asking from you is a ridiculous little neck rub. My neck is stiff. I can't reach it myself. Two minutes and you can go back to your TV. Otherwise I'll just see you later. I'm going out for a bit."

And once I got her to do it, even if begrudgingly, I would tell her exactly where to rub and how hard. And I would reward her with a hell of a lot of sincere praise and compliments...followed with appreciation. Believe me, we all like to feel appreciated for something, including your W.

...But if she still adamantly refused? I would even acknowledge her at that point. I'd get up, whistle to myself a happy little tune, grab my coat and head out the door just like I said. No explanations. And I'd get a beer somewhere or whatever you would do. Go to the pharmacy and look at the magazines. Put a wager on the ponies at an OTBetting place...blah blah.

Finally, Thanks for being a good sport and taking my previous comments in the manner in which they were intended. And I'm not speaking from some place of high horsedom here as the reason I am on these boards is due to the fact that I, too, gave all of my power away in my R. And my tone was partially directed towards myself. Trust me, there isn't a person out in cyberspace or alive on this Earth who can kick my a$$ better than I can kick the living $hit out of myself.

I had power, loads of it. I was pursued by x on and off for 9 years. I couldn't be tied down. I roamed all over the country at any given moment. Then I committed. Then she cheated and I never believed it would ever happen nor saw it coming.

Huge raw bleed of power from me. Massive power hemorrhage of confidence, assertiveness, self-worth and, yes, even humor. I piled on the AOSs, became needy and supplicating, and gathered up any of the few needs I had and fed them through my psychic shredder.

Result? Wuss-bag. And I was left in the sitch you're questioning now. "What the hell happened to my power? Why did I do that?"

To correct this. I fairly recently mentally/psychically blah blah used sheer will to take back all of my power from her; and I forgot that I had loads of it at one time. She dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb, we split up, and I am living my life on my own terms now.

I am GALing. I do not initiate convos. I decide when and if I will speak to her. On the rare occasions I do return her call I am happy, confident, aloof, humorous, cocky maybe; and, frankly, projecting a "don'tgivea$hit" attitude about the R. And R talk never comes up. And, frankly, I'm starting not to care if it does because I am hording my power as I see fit and focusing on myself, since if she doesn't want me then I know eventually someone else will. And, besides, if she doesn't want me; I want me all to myself for the time being since I spent a ton of my time on her over the years. And I know she wants some of my power back because she knows who I am and she knows I am the type of guy who can burn a person out of my life forever if they cross my final boundary...smirk in his/her
face...flick my cigarette butt into the fire...walk away and never look back at the burning flames.

So don't worry. You're in a good community here. You'll get your power back. Gotta start slow as if you do it too fast it won't be congruent to your past personality and you will look like an a-hole with a chip on his shoulder and an ax to grind.

Start by not supplicating to her wishes and desires to be freakishly coddled. Yes, you lov her very much. But you have to love yourself first. And she has to respect you and not keep you in limbo/the dark while she deals with her "issues." Again, from what you're describing, your W needs some big time professional and perhaps medicinal help.

-Stigmata-