I find this all very interesting... for a number of reasons.
First, Honeypot, while my wife will not see a counselor, I certainly am on my own as I try to come to grips with what all has happened and he said on of the same things you did, something that I have thought about alot: I went through all the effort to pull off a stunt of getting some attention from a stragner all as a ploy to get her attention. Now I have it, so what am I doing with it? According to him, not much of anything.. and that frustrates him to no end. So I am analyzing why that is and what I am afraid of.
And after this board yesterday, I am now alanyzing my "self pity", something I never realized I had. Almost everyone who meets me says the same thing, that I am one of the few people that can see positive in ANY situation. My parents constatly have commented over the past few years in seeing the relationship I am dealing with, that I must have the patience of a saint. I feel like I have always have a positive outlook.. until yesterday... So I am looking into the comments here to really try to figure out if the way I am coming across to others is completely different from the way I come across to others in my own mind.
Another thing that I have thought about since yesterday is my own relationship power (or lack there of). And MAny of you are right.. Somewhere, sometime I gave up all of my power... why? and how did that happen? I need to evaluate that.
I know I have been a bit gun-shy in this relationship. I have been a total push over. My first marriage ended in an absolutely shocking to me divorce that I never saw coming. (took my wife out to Dinner for Valentines day thinking all was fine in the world. Loved my wife, loved my 2 kids, life was grand, then as I gave her a diamond necklace, POW I got the 'I want a divorce' line that I just didn't see coming) I had to deal with that slap for a long time.
So in this relationship, I have always gone above and beyond the call of duty to make my wife happy. I do ANYTHING she needs regardless of if I want to or not, because I think that if I can just make her happy, all will be well. I also suck at confrontations. Arguing is just not my strong point. So I avoid them like crazy. It is far easier to say what I know she wants to hear and keep peace than thrust in my own opinin and muck things up. But in the process of trying to this "ultra husband".. easy to get along with... will do anything she needs, I have given up all power. I just need to figure out how to get it back.
Without sounding whiny here, I am just stating the facts as I see them as I work to sort out what to do... I have tried to do what a few have mentioned. I say I need a neck rub so I take her hand while watching tv and put it on my neck... that will provoke an argument. "I told you, I don't like touch and when you do something like that, it makes me feel forced and it is a sign that you don't respect my feelings. You told me that you'll do anything for me, even if you don't understand or are not in the mood and what I am asking of you is that you respect the fact that I cannot touch right now. Maybe I will be able to again after I lose some weight but right now it is something I cannot do, so start respecting my wishes and not force me into an uncomfortable situation"
After that, I feel bad. I retreat, I try to understand her feelings, but bottom line is that I still feel rejected. I feel there is no where to go. I think I have spoiled her, spoiled her rotten. She even admits that she was living in the perfect relationship up until a few months ago. Of course she was.. she had a cook, a servant, a baby sitter.. she could kick back and relax knowing I was taking care of everything else.. why complain.. all somehow oblivious to the fact that I was screaming out as unhappy. (If that is leaning towards self pity, I apologize, I'll snap out of it)
Soooooooo, the question now in my mind is this: You all have brought up the fact that I have given up all power in the relationship... You have a point there.. But how do I get it back without suddenly looking like a jerk.
I don't mean to sound like a self pitying whiner.. My sex life stinks.. I'm not gettin any.. My wife wont talk about it.. She wont go to counseling.. waaaaaaaah.
I am just trying to figure out how to fix it. Even with all the insanity, I love my wife. To me it is way easier to fix something that is broken than start over and put my kids through upheaval and pain. I have been down that divorce road before, and have no desire to do it again.
And maybe you all just need to keep slapping me with a 2x4 (Or REALLY BIG RED LETTERS!) until I get it, if so... bring it on.. I appreciate the insight.
