What if you could never have sex again?

[Stigmata]

Mr. AGA-

First of all. Let me preface this by saying I really do feel for your plight. I don't feel for your self-perceived helplessness however.


I've said before I HATE the whole LD, HD, ND labels for the simple reason that I hate labels, period. With someone who is labeled "LD" it gives them an easy weak-azzed out to give up and say, "hey, I'm an LD M/F so deal with it."

And there's no excuse for someone to M someone else, engage in a normal sex life for a few years, then shut down. And if he/she does, he/she damned well owes it to their SO to work things/issues out if the SO feels ripped off. End of story.

I'm not gonna pull any punches here. This is a great forum for that. I don't have to make/keep friends nor if I eviscerate someone's actions am I gonna lose myself a client in business.

You are projecting weakness all over the place in terms of your interactions with your W. No, maybe you don't feel you are a self-pitying person; maybe have a great work life and people like you.

But I am having a real problem with the following. Please don't let this stop you from spilling your guts on this forum. Everyone does it. But You're exactly right. You imploded. What the hell were you thinking?

And you're standing back observing your W like you're "The Boy in the Bubble" who can't be touched.

To Have and to Hold. Sickness and Health. Holding. Touching. Pretty basic part of any R.

How is it possible that your W can somehow justify not even wanting to "touch" you?! Holy crap! My head would explode if I had to put up with that.

Now, friend, this is where I have a serious serious problem. Please understand what you've done. Don't beat yourself up, though. I'm giving you a pass because you admitted your mental collapse.


"...I knew if I found someone to do just that.. touch me.. I'd feel so guilty.. I'd be in confession in minutes, pleading for forgivess and in order to get it I would need to tell my wife. I got a reply on the ad, met up, got a backrub and another "place" touched and as I anticipated I felt so insanely guilty I followed through with the plan. I didn't want a full fledged affair. I needed to do JUST ENOUGH to make me feel guilty and then have something to get my wife's attention.

And attnetion it did get. The plan worked. I can't say that I am happy about what I did. I still feel very ashamed. It was something that was SOOOOOOO not me, it almost doesn't seem real thinking back on it now. But after 5 years of going no where, we have finally made progress. She is actually trying to listen more. But has touch or anything like that improved? Nope, not in the least...."

-- Mr. AGA. I am really very sorry you felt you had to go this path. You were that desperate. Yikes.

For the love of God. Listen to me. Prostituting your values and self-respect in order to "feel guilty" in order to "get attention" is about the worst thing I can think of a man doing to gain the respect of a woman he loves.

What effort to set all of this up! Then turning yourself into a self-loathing masochist from the guilt and shame after the fact. Holy crap. I'm glad you came to your sense. This is about the last thing in the world that one should do to gain the admiration, love, respect, passion from his/her SO.

Next time, use all of that planning and energy away from passive aggressive schemings and bust through your W's touch issues or get the F out of there. And I am not one to leave someone who truly is in crisis and needs professional help-your W. It is not normal to not even want to touch a person you're M to.

She needs to spill her guts to you why she feels this way and what happened in the past. Otherwise, I'd suggest you take a very long tropical vacation and give her some space to deal with her issues/clouds.

Maybe a week or two of missing you will change her mind as to whether you're "touch worthy." OMG. Get her an appt. with a good massage therapist or something. They know how to touch. Maybe she'll make a connectionn that touching=good not naughty feeling.

Arg. Gotta stop. Head is spinning.

Start setting a firm boundary. Tell her if she doesn't seek help, open up about her issues, or give you a simple hand job as of on or before Valentine's Day then you'll take it that she has, again, ZERO interest in saving your M and is willing to waste away the rest of your lives in some kind of germ-free Boy in the Bubble existence. Might as well order her a bubble too while you're at it as you wind up sitting there helplessly staring at each other through the plastic.

You're a good guy, AGA. Don't take it personally. I'm just really PO'd you gave all of your power and control over to such an selfishly inconsiderate person. Sigh. Okay, better now.

-Stigmata-