thanks, Stigmata... Great Post! Lot's to think about there!
First an update to the whole situation. She called me with the "goodbye" message on the phone last Monday morning. That afternoon I finally got ahold of her on her cell phone and talked her into coming back home. She admitted she really had no clue where she was going to go that night, which to me, says she was just trying to get my attention.
While she was home, she still stayed at the other end of the house in the guest room. So I was left with the dilema, do I respect her space and hope that when she feels better she will come back (my sister's very adamant suggestion) or do I take this as another sign of attention getting.
I let it go one for a few more days, then I finally got sick of it. I said "what will it take to get you back sleeping in our room?! I love you, I hate it when you are not around me! My favrite thing to do each day is to crawl in bed next to you each night, and I don't sleep well when you aren't there. I am trying hard to respect your need for space, but I just want you back, so tell me what it will take!" And she said. "Just that. I needed to know that you missed me when I wasn't around that you needed me there". And with that, she was back in the bedroom. Still no sex, goodness, no. I know that is the last thing on her mind, but atleast she is back and that gives me some hope. Ever since, things have been pretty quiet. I have discovered that if I can just keep everything "surface" and about our day to day activities, then we get along fine. I pry into deeper issues, wants, needs, desires, goals, then it all falls apart. The trick is that I so want to get into the deeper levels, I may be a guy, but I need to feel loved just as much as anyone else. I am like that preemy baby in the ICU needing to be touched. I need some caring. But I am learning that I just have to live wihtout it, until I can get the 800 pound gorilla out of the back yard, I am on my own.
Now to add a level of complexity... Like I said it has been years since I had been touched. This last October, I kind of imploded. I have always considered myself to be an absolutely loyal, moral person. Never had an affair, never even been an option. But with my wife, she hated the topic of sex. Asked that I never bring it up. She never wanted to talk about it as she said when I did it only made her feel guilty and she refuses to do anything because she feels guilty, so talking was pointless anyway. So I had very real needs, I couldn't be touched for any reason.. anywhere.. I couldn't ask to be touched. I couldn't just "put her hands" somewhere", I couldn't communicate about my needs, Icouldn't do it myself as i believe that is wrong (and please do not derail this board over the pros and cons of masterbation... I don't believe in it, respect that) I had no where to go and my brain just went "boom".
I began thinking in war terminology... 5 years of diplomacy had failed.. the only way to SAVE the marriage, to get peace, was to drop a bomb. I then came up with a plan to get her attention. I put an add in the "casual encounters" section of a local website. In the add I put I didn't want to have sex, I just wanted to be touched. A No strings Attached deal. I knew if I found someone to do just that.. touch me.. I'd feel so guilty.. I'd be in confession in minutes, pleading for forgivess and in order to get it I would need to tell my wife. I got a reply on the ad, met up, got a backrub and another "place" touched and as I anticipated I felt so insanely guilty I followed through with the plan. I didn't want a full fledged affair. I needed to do JUST ENOUGH to make me feel guilty and then have something to get my wife's attention.
And attnetion it did get. The plan worked. I can't say that I am happy about what I did. I still feel very ashamed. It was something that was SOOOOOOO not me, it almost doesn't seem real thinking back on it now. But after 5 years of going no where, we have finally made progress. She is actually trying to listen more. But has touch or anything like that improved? Nope, not in the least.
So how does an act like this come across to someone with the kind of past that my wife has had? To someone who already has trust issues? A possilbe abusive past that she is still working to hide? Obviously not very well. That is why we continue to have good days and VERY BAD DAYS. But although we have a LOOOOOOOOONG way to go before there is going to be any intimacy, for the first time she is more recognzing of her affect on people.
I just have to learn to continue to go without... and hope I never implode again...
