Has she experienced sexual abuse of some kind? If so, then I commend your approach to help her work through these things--provided, of course, that that is her intention.. to work through her issues.
If that is not her intention--and I'd directly ask that question if I were you--then I see you heading down the same path that you've been trodding for the last umpteen years. Yesterday was nothing more than a test to see who's really in control, kwim?
I would sit her down and tell her that in order for your marriage to truly be able to move forward that you will both be attending counseling. There is nothing 'unconditional' in that stance, if anything that is showing her how deeply you love and value her and your M.
Then make the appt and follow thru with it. Your marriage is in deep doo doo and I would take drastic measures to salvage it right away.
To answer your original question: If my spouse was choosing to not meet my physical needs, I would assume that they had no love for me or value for our marriage and I would begin making arrangements for myself. She is comparing apples to oranges and she knows it.
