Two months ago, I tried that, for the last time. H begrudgingly obliged, but his words during the action cut me deep, I begin to cry right now still thinking of it. And the 2 years prior to that of mostly rejection, and again his words to hurt me. I really don't have it in me to try on the pain again, while he thinks he is doing me such a service. I miss what we had, what I thought was good, but H has squelched those thoughts as well, and quite bluntly, the manner he has 'delivered' his services with an attitude is just not worth my mental torture. ----------------------------------
Whew! What a day at work. Big party for work this weekend, and the guy who is supposed to be coordinating it was off on a business trip until today. We talked about lots of details before he left, I offered my assistance to do things while he was gone, but he had it handled. Yeah right! Until today when he got back and fell apart and good old WCW bailed him out. Ah well, I knew it was going to happen, I should have prepared myself better and cleared my calendar for him today. It was fun actually, the poor guy couldn’t hardly count money he was so frazzled.
I finally invited to H to come to the party with me. Not that I wasn’t planning on him coming all along, I just never issued a formal invite. I know he saw the signs and postings when he stopped in by my work. And today I found out one of the other ladies husbands already talked to my H about it, so I know he knows but he doesn’t know I know he knows. Now he does. I called and left him a message today, said I was trying to come up with some ingenious creative way to invite him and keep it a surprise, but I found out I was busted anyway so just accept this as a formal invitation to join me. Please reply. No response, and nothing yet tonight since he’s been home, which hasn't been long. But, I didn’t expect a response, especially on a Thursday, which is why it was so special to call and leave a message on OWB day. Or is that any other day of the week too. Cringe, let it go.
The company I work for was bought buy a larger company a year ago. Now the larger company just made another very large acquisition. I guess it’s all good, especially if my check keeps coming. We have already seen our own division go from laying off and working with less than a skeleton crew to now hiring to accomplish all the work in just 7 days a week! Benefits are all changing, it’s a nightmare trying to keep it straight for just myself, plus answer all the questions everyone else has. Yikes! The fiscal year is also changing, which means I did not get a raise at the beginning of the calendar year as normal, no mention of anything coming up. I asked my boss, and he said he was just trying to track down the information and would get back to me. Last year I was the only one from the management team to get a raise, and the talk was the other managers were even expecting a cut in pay, that’s how bad business was just a year ago. I think/know I received a raise 1)my boss is a great guy and knew that H was laid up and I really needed the money and 2) we had successfully completed a huge conversion in my department and I deserved more money. I hope he has a long term memory.
Last night H got home earlier than he has been, I was outside yet working with a couple of horses, and when I rode my own horse he stopped in the arena to watch and advise. Well, first he asked if it was okay to advise. I said sure!, but be kind. He gave me tips on what he saw as improvement areas, and also complimented on some things my horse is doing very well. Yeah! I also brought up about some other things, the young lady that wants to work here this summer, things about the future and stuff that needs to be decided. He got quiet, didn’t say much. The rest of the night he was quiet and withdrawn, and went to sleep early. I was up way too late working on things for the event this weekend.
This week I have been doing a lot of thinking, drifting, dreaming……I’ve been letting it happen rather than shutting it off. It’s helped me reconnect to my feelings, which I think I have discovered aren’t all that bad. I’ve worked so hard at shutting them off for so long, I don’t want to keep doing that. I want to live with feeling, and that will include pain. I’ve also been cranking up some old favorite tunes, croaking along, and even dancing around the house alone. (Anyone remember ScottiesHeart? She did that a lot! Wonder how she is…) H hates to dance, and while he used to occasionally suffer thru a slow dance with me, he won’t anymore. (Quote - Real men don’t dance.) I’ve been up and down all week, one hour to the next, and am maybe hopefully swinging up to stay in the air for a while again. On this swing, I believe I am closer to facing the fact that my H really isn’t going to love me again like a husband and wife should be. That we will never have a marriage made of love anymore, it is just business and roommates. That’s all he wants from me. He’s told me he doesn’t think he can ever feel for me again, and I just have not accepted it, until lately. I’ve been struggling and riding hard up hill. It makes me sad, and I have tears as I type this. But the truth and reality is that it has been 2 years since I first asked H what was wrong, and he told me he didn’t know if he was staying a week, a month, or a year. Since that time we’ve gone from bad to worse, back up to bad, and have had a few upstrokes but mostly lower lows. We are further apart physically, emotionally, business wise, financially, pretty much you name it there’s a Grand Canyon gap. What’s next? I don’t know. I don’t suppose I’m unsaddling yet, but I don’t how much more the pony can carry.
All this Valentines stuff in the stores, it makes me want to puke this year. I used to love it, love the day, the excitement, buying or making the exact right card. I don’t expect to get anything, and I am not sure yet about giving. It’s odd how the box of chocolate spelling I LUV U I gave H last year just made it to the top of a stack of his stuff. Where did it come from? I just noticed it, I thought it got thrown out right away, now it should be anyway.
Honest, my PMA feels good. I am just facing reality.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
