Hanging on/The Long Haul #8

[WCW]

Happy February 1! Another month, another mortgage payment paid. Yeah! I asked H if he would help with the payment, he said yes, and yesterday he told me he had transferred some money for me. Turned out to be less than half what is due. I didn’t ask why, I ASSume it is because he knows I had extra income in January from training a horse. But, he also has been paying my truck fuel bill (his cc account) and this year the heating bill. My fuel bill climbs as I GAL. The heating bill should be lower this year than all the years I have taken care of it due to record warm temps. Why couldn’t that happen for ME?

GAL revenge – the few times that I have gone out or been gone when H gets home now comes back to haunt me. Or is it just coincidence that now he comes home even later, which matches the times that I returned home. What’s good for the goose is better for the gander?

Last night I was just finishing eating when H came home. He walked in with a big box, I asked if he brought dessert? He said, ‘it depends, what do you want for dessert?’ I looked at him, long pause, and said ‘that’s a loaded question.’ He gave a little smile, but couldn’t maintain eye contact. I let it go.

He also said he has an appointment with some of our friends in a couple weeks. This is a lady that told me when he came next time I should come along and we’d all have dinner together. I relayed the information back to H, and he was visibly upset about it. That was NYE day. Last night, he volunteered the date and time, and it took a minute for it to sink in (duh) and in typical surprised fashion, I said “am I supposed to come along?” he said yes! And wasn’t crabby about it.

H talked about one of the organizations we volunteer with and are trying to overcome the reputation of the last Board of Directors, lots of backlash from poor management, and they all resigned and dropped the balls on everything. Taking over has not been easy. He even asked me some questions, and we were interrupted by a phone call for me. It happened to be business about this particular organization, and I had coordinated a bunch of ‘stuff’ to the satisfaction of all parties involved. Yeah for me! Believe me, it is not an easy task after the crapola that went on previously, so many people have a grudge against the group, but we are slowly emerging and gaining ground on good efforts. I hung up and said we have more happy people, cool! The conversation then turned to how H has to report back to the parent group, and the reason for his undetailed reports, because if he stood up and reported on all the repercussions and the mess that was left, those people would get upset and it would serve no useful purpose for moving forward in a positive manner. I know he was talking about this organization, but I just thought – if he/we would just apply what he says to us. We would be way past this spot where we are.

I think what I have noticed is that H has to talk more or ask me questions, because I quit telling him or volunteering everything. It’s taken a while for it to start, and it used to really bother me that I just shut up about what I was doing. Now I honestly don’t even remember everything I don't tell him, and when he asks I am surprised that he didn’t know already. Maybe the rewards are beginning, maybe it’s just a phase.

I am sending H an email invitation to ask him to escort me to my work party this weekend. A 180 sort of thing, rather than just say, hey, you coming?

I've been thinking so much recently about past, present, and future. Lots of memories flooding that make me pretty emotional and sentimental, or just mental. It's not all bad, it's gotta come around some time. Been blocking a lot of things out for so long, if I let some of it back in I hope I can just get over it, and let it go. I hope it works.

This morning the wake up song on the radio was “Older Women Make Beautiful Lovers”. Sure! If I could just use it!!!