Hanging on/The Long Haul #8

[WCW]

Kiwi, no doubt about it, I know I harbor resentment. I know I feel I have been wronged, I know that I want H to acknowledge and tell me he is sorry. You know how that feels. I also know it will most likely never happen.

So let's imagine, in a world of puff and fluff, that H starts coming back, I mean really coming back. H hugs me, then maybe a kiss, then he comes in our bed, and wants to be intimate, and he stays and wakes up with me in the morning. We hug goodbye, and he says he can't wait until we are both back home tonight. This goes on, a day, a week, a month. I win. I get him back. THEN WHAT? What will I do with him? I love the man, I love the life we created, but I am really doubting ME to be able to truly forgive the past. And he probably knows that about me, he knows me, he reads me, he's smart. And THAT is probably the biggest reason he won't try. And I can't, or don't know how, to change that, to change me, that somehow he can be comfortable enough to let me at least try to forgive. And can you believe this? here I am again wondering if HE will let ME try? is this warped?

Having said that, something else is changing. H is talking more, just general conversation stuff, nothing detailed or about him, but general. He even made a phone call in front of me to ask someone to come and help last night with some things, something I had offered to help with but he was going to do it himself. I debated, when they got started, if I should just join in and help too. I finished what I was doing, and before I left the barn/arena from riding a van pulled up to the barn, it was a friend that needed water because their well pump quit and it wouldn't get fixed until today. They left, I went to look up what was going with H's project. I poked in for a minute, talked a bit, left, and then a little later went back, and when I walked in H asked if I was helping, and I did. The three of us spent the next couple of hours working and discussing ideas about this project, like a future. Seemed almost normal.

After we got in the house, H asked who was in the van that drove thru the yard. Funny, he wondered who came to see me?

Sunday morning, we had a family get together and big breakfast at my folks place. It was great! I had let H know, sent him a copy of all the emails back and forth. I was getting ready to go, and he finally came in from outside. I asked if he was planning to come to breakfast, he walked down the hallway, looked at me, and said, 'yes, I was hoping to.' It was a little weird, like he half expected me to say he couldn't. I don't know, it was just different. We went, had a great time, laughed with, laughed at, got laughed at, it was good. Totally irrelevant to anything here but funny story, at least in my world. My sis is a dairy farmer, non-married, works her butt hard but has no knowledge of technology, even worse than me. No computer, no email, not a clue about any of it. We tease her a lot. Sunday, she walked in to moms with a suitcasey sort of thing, turns out it was an old manual typewriter she had borrowed from my mom. Joke of the day, it was sis's Amish laptop, and that's how she got her moomail. It was really funny yesterday, H's humor.

Tonight H came home from skiing, the most pleasant return from skiing this season. H sent me a link to a blogspot thing he made of pics from yesterdays breakfast. Good pics from his cell phone camera, and his captions are good. I was holding one of my great nieces on my lap, and she had a pacifier in her mouth looking direct into his camera with such a look on her face. The caption is "go ahead, I dare you to pull this thing out". It's great.

Enough rambling for tonight.