Hanging on/The Long Haul #8

[WCW]

Sometimes I wonder if a late night post is a good thing to do, one of those things you regret in the morning. After rereading, I wouldn't change a thing.

Awake early again, but not early enough to catch H in the hallway, and he walked away. I mustered up all my courage, and walked out to ask if wanted to come and watch the Farm Show on tv. He said no, he wanted to sleep. I went back to bed and cried, mostly upset with myself for setting me up for rejection, a few good things happen during the week and I want more. It won't happen, not on my schedule. I've said before I am in control of what happens, I think that is at least half true. I am in control if I want to push him out and end all of this, he'd be gone in a day. I am in control if I let him stay, but I am not in control of HOW he stays. That's the part that sucks.

After my cry, I strengthened my resolve to continue my GAL, do what I want to do, he can eat my dust. What sucks is that I might as well be single if I have to function as a single person. Other than some financial benefits, what am I getting from this marriage? I know everything has ups and downs, when do I get UP to ground level?

An hour later, I'm laying in bed, and H walks in with a cup of flavored coffee for me. I said thanks, did you bring one for yourself? No, he said he would spill if he carried two cups at the same time. He stayed and talked a few minutes, I did not make any further invitations. He left, and came back in a few minutes with a question, did I have a use for his old laptop? WTH? His private secret laptop, that doesn't work and that's why he got a new one? Well, of course he would wipe it clean and then see if it worked and I could have it. If his used sloppy 2nds are good enough for me, why isn't it good enough for him?

Where is the sun today? 3 days of rain in the forecast. Snow is all gone, brown and dreary.

Ok, focus on what's good. He's walking into the bedroom, initiating conversation, we're talking and communicating a little better. He's actually mentioned about the trailer and the inventory instead of just doing it. All good things. Focus, girl, focus.