Hanging on/The Long Haul #8

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Come on over, shocked. Kids and all. H likes kids, maybe that's where I went wrong, no kids, but he had already taken care of that on his end before we met. We talked about it before we married, no compromise from him.

Well, I started a post at one point today, and just didn't know what or how to say anything. Friday, it's another bad one. Is this a trend? Has it been happening all along and I am just recognizing it?

Last night I spent a long time outside, working on whatever, just got in the house and H came home. When I walked behind him I put my hand on the small of his back and asked if he wanted anything to eat, but he noticed the cookies on the table from the bank I brought for him and said he'd eat those and be full. So I warmed up leftovers for myself. I guess the rest of the night was okay, and I went to bed fairly early and said good night, maybe a touch of surprise in his good night? I almost came back and offered to exchange back rubs, but I did not.

This morning we had conversation thru the shower curtain before I left for work. I asked if was going with MF to a practice event on Saturday, which I knew about because MF asked if I would go. H said he was going. This is mostly great, it will get him back on his horse for the first time that I know of since we came home from the Big Show last October, went for a caramel apple ride the next day, and the horse hasn't been used since. H is also very mad at the horse, the horse bit him in the back, thru thick winter clothing left big red mark that scabbed over, I didn't see it until it was a week old or so, and H said if the horse did it again he would kill him. That alarms me, to hear H talk that way in a serious tone about any horse. The first year I found out about OWB you could definetly tell the stress and tension effects on the livestock and animals around here. We had more injuries, sickness, even death, vet calls than any other year. Last year was better, but I've noticed that even now the limited contact H has with this particular horse is not usually good. I've gotten along better than usual with this stallion this winter, and even though it is OUR horse H has always been the one to ride this one. I guess where I'm going is that the relationship between man and horse is bad this winter, like it was when OWB was strong. Just my thoughts.

My day at work was ok, ran errands, etc., 50 degrees and sunny is pretty acceptable for January in this country, saw lurker guy again but avoided him, came home and decided that I did not want to sit here all night until H came home. I can't remember if I said this before, but the other night I think some of my restlessness came from the vehicle that was parked out on the road for a while. Even with 4 good size dogs, it made me downright uneasy to be home alone. In over 25 years of living here, it's about the 3rd time I've felt that way. And it could be because that was on heels of a friend telling me that while she was here riding one day last weekend there was a suspicious truck on the road driving back and forth very slow and stopping. Then again Tuesday night. Again, this hasn't happened since OWB was strong.

Well, tonight I left again to GAL. I got to the driveway of where I was going, and I busted out crying, totally out of the blue. I thought I was okay, doing something different, 180, and I just bust out balling. Geez, now what? Pulled myself together for the next hour, and cried again on the way home. I tried to call a friend, unavailable. So I felt even worse. Got home, place was dark. Wasn't even home 5 minutes, and H drove in. I had all the outside stuff to do yet, and after a few pleasantries, I went out. I was surprised when H came up to help, he asked if I had already moved his horse to a stall, I said I didn't move it but it was already there, he said he must've forgot to turn him out today. H left when I got a different horse out to work with. Once again, same thing would happen when OWB was strong.

What doesn't fit with all these symptoms is my gut. My gut isn't telling me that there is something any different happening between them, that it is still contact and 'friends', still a deep emotional attachment, and H won't give that up as long as he thinks I am still in a tizzy over it, if for no other reason than just to prove that I can't control him like that. What I am not sure is if my gut is tired of talking to me, if I have quit listening? yes, H is warmer lately, he does not fake warmth. He can fake normal very well, but he doesn't fake warmth or cold.

Now what. I'm not cleaning the spare room. I might be as stubborn as the long eared mule out behind the barn and look just like him, but I'm not cleaning the spare room. If H wants off the couch, he knows where the bed is, and he knows where the door out is. I did think last summer about rearranging the basement to make a bedroom again, cooler for sleeping. But too cold now.

I think part of my crying tonight is really realizing that the life I love and have lived with H can't ever be the same, regardless that I never thought it was so horrible like H did, I liked it and we acknowledged our problems, we just never knew how to fix them. That's been so much of my thoughts this week, how can this all ever be fixed? A few touchs and a backrub, is that really a start? when he thinks it's been 12 years of pain and suffering? when he says I am the worst he's ever had? It seems like moving a mountain with a plastic spoon.

It all boils down to feeling like I haven't mattered for so long that I never will again. Why can't he say that he's going with MF tomorrow? what's the big deal? why can't we make a schedule and plan the show season, why is everything such a secret? Bad PMA tonight, Friday down swing. I know there are good signs. He did ask if I would be needing the trailer after this weekend and about parking the horse trailer in a different spot so he could use it for storage while doing inventory. You know, that inventory that he was doing the first week of the year? the one I asked about helping him with and he said he was doing it? Yup, that's the one.

I need a PMA boost, I need a Tylenol.

GAL this weekend - invitation to join some friends on Saturday, family breakfast on Sunday, haul a horse for a guy. I've decided not to go with H and MF to the practice event, I'd like that to be a good experience for H so he might want to continue riding, I'll stay out of his way.