Hanging on/The Long Haul #8

[WCW]

Opti –
Definitely whacked out the screen, but it looks like the next page is back to normal. It is hard to contain, isn’t it?

Always –
Yup, an hour. The last 20 minutes or more was me trying to wrestle my way OUT of bed while H kept me there. H’s facial expression, soft and tender and caring, from long ago. Or was it exhaustion?

Brava –
Let’s get stock in the Puffs Company. Seems like I always need it, for good or for bad! I’ve been afraid to reach out, but it goes back to the evangelism sermon a few weeks ago. Little pieces, though, so I don’t get a major setback of rejection again. I really don’t know how many more of those major rejection setbacks I can take, and I don’t want to set myself up to find out the hard way. Fear or reality? Not sure.

Kiwi – first off, go talk to bigAl, he just figured out who you are/used to be. Acts of service – which I follow with words of affirmation and lots of kudos? A kiss? On the lips? You’re kidding, right? I don’t think I remember how, it's been so long, but being we were in the playful mode, and I was in a hold, I figured a good distraction was a big face lick! Does that count, it’s sorta the same? My H really is a good guy, despite the hell we have been in. I think he is reaching out to more people, just as I am. Maybe that is helping us reach each other. Lucky for me, 99% of who we know are married couples, mostly happy, I think that helps.

Wllowwlk – I even left a good trail this time. I didn’t assume or expect anything, and didn’t push for more. Sure, it would be okay, but I really am very much still stung by his remarks from the last time I tried, even though two months is a long time ago. Then add in years of wonder and worry, and other comments made in anger to hurt me, and for now it’s more than I can deal with to pursue him about ML. H will have to be the one to start that again, if I’ve learned anything in the last years, it’s that he has willpower made of steel and can resist me under some pretty high pressure. I think in his mind, and finally mine too, there is more important factors that need to be okay first, and ML will flow in behind. If we get that far this time.

The rest of yesterday went good for me. Meetings in another town meant lots of drive time, so I took advantage of no email and used the phone, how old fashioned, huh? It was fun! My last meeting of the day was purely social, and I very much enjoyed the chance to talk and connect in person with my friend, discuss thoughts and feelings, reflect in silence, although I was accused of not talking enough. Can anyone believe that about me? It would sure be great if the next time wasn’t so far in between visits. Time went way too fast, and we were both on our way. I was pretty late getting home, H was there, and seemed none too happy. I walked in with a cheery hi, he said hi. I changed clothes and went outside, found that chores were done for me, so I worked with my training horse a few minutes and went back in. I said thanks for taking care of chores for me, we didn’t have much more conversation, and after a while I said good night and went to bed.

H was up in the middle of the night, and I thought about calling out to him, but I didn’t. Not sure why, other than it was 2am. Tides are changing, seems we both are pretty restless during the night again. When we were still sleeping together, we were both restless all night and slept very little. Waiting to see what the other one would do, touch or not, listen for breathing, sexual tension, I couldn’t cry when thinking of how much I hurt, and how much I hurt him. It’s not a full moon right now, why do neither of us sleep much again? Even though it’s separate rooms?

I was awake early again, and instead of turning the tv on to drown out my thoughts, I let my thoughts process. Didn’t figure anything out, but I know that this is a long haul to get this relationship to a real marriage level. I know that we’ve gotten to this point and beyond at other times, but it never stays. Is it me? Or is it outside factors that I can’t control? I know that the last few weeks I’ve gained a little more confidence in myself, I’ve reached out to old friends and am working on new friends. That is a very 180 for me, as horses have always been my therapy and my friends during the tough times. As much as I still enjoy the horses, I don’t find as much solace there now because for the last 12 years it is something H and I did together, and he has quit that part with me. I thought about how much I did enjoy my day out of town yesterday, and how I enjoyed the social part to the extent that I didn’t miss being gone from home, and I didn’t feel anxious to hurry home. That’s a 180 for me. And I made more phone calls on the way home.

After my shower this morning, I took clothes from the dryer and was sorting them in the bedroom. H walked down the hallway, talked about the kitchen light bulb that just burnt out. (note to self – light bulbs and dog food, must get today) I commented on the bathroom light switch that I thought has been acting weird, he hasn’t noticed, I went to demonstrate, and of course it was just fine. H made fun of me, I was in arms reach so I ruffled some more of his chest hair and wrinkled my nose at him, and walked back to the bedroom. H ran up and grabbed me from behind. More conversation. And when H was in the shower and I left this morning, instead of calling ‘see ya later’ from the door, I went and poked my head in his shower.