new, blue and searching for a clue

[Stigmata]

I'm so sorry that I remind you of her. And I can understand why you'd rather stay away from the thread. So, I really appreciate your offer to try and help me understand X.

-L. Actually I don't see a lot of comparisons between *you* and x, other than smarts and career diligence at this point from what I know of you. My comments stem from hearing those "love him" but "not in love with him" ruminatings from you--as that was one of those hated cliches I had the pleasure of hearing, along with a number of others. And it was weird because we both are more clever than to go to "not you, it's me" blah blah blah dreck yet somehow they all came out one after another and we just were kind of like....oh, man, I can't believe we're using/hearing these lame phrases. As we all know here.

Aside from that, that's where it ends. You are a giver. And have tried to offer solutions as well as have found yourself in the position of being a doormat--which is where I identify with you this time actually. I would have killed to see this effort from x a few months ago--any effort actually. I wouldn't be here if she had. By that same token, I wouldn't be here if I hadn't allowed myself to become a doormat either.

I ID with a lot of folks around here, sitch-wise. BF, LFL, landica, Karen, Haphazard, Chrome, HD, Cobra and maybe GEL and Corris to an extent among others. Like a composite, taking parts from each and seeing similarities. I think that's why I didn't end up jumping off this board on to another a bit ago; plus I like the mix here, as was already mentioned.

But, back to you. That comment from your son in your response to Fran is troubling. He is resenting his father already. I know I had a difficult time with my feelings in relation to my parents in the 16-18 range, with a few thoughts of running away. Hate to see him stuff it in and blow up in a few years during this range. Lots of boy maturation hormones/mood swings going on, know what I mean?

And your foreboding when S14 leaves I think is warranted. Once he's gone, if nothing changes I don't see the 2 of you lasting very long after the now S18 heads off to college. So it looks like 4 years is your solutions ceiling at this point perhaps.

And that comment from X. Using S14 as a "love buffer" between himself and you. Along with you detaching from your father/stepbrothers and mother spurning you. I think you are hitting on some truths about your need to be in proximity of an emotionally distant-unavailable person.

And I wouldn't worry about being a Jocasta as of yet. Actually, I'm becoming more and more aware of my fixation on a possible OM...with nothing but very weak circumstantial evidence at this point. But in my head I've already accepted this as my worst possible outcome so I'm fine with it and need to drop it. Corri's right.

You may not be a Jocasta but my being paranoid over something over which I have no information or control will put me in danger of being an Cassandra.

At this point, as far as X is concerned, it looks like you're going to have to start taking away his privileges, just as you would with an unruly teen. Maybe start not doing what he tells you to do one request at a time and telling him to do it as he's a big boy now.

Finally, I really understand what you mean by the connection/bond you feel for X. This is my problem as well. I never thought I would have ever had a bond like that with an F. And that's why I'm here too. Although I think I need to further detach lately. If this ends in me removing myself from her life completely I think it will be a great loss between 2 people who had so much in common. But, again, I've accepted this already as a worst case scenario and must focus solely on myself and my future at present.

Cripes. Leaking my junk out on another's thread again. Ug. Having not so good past few days. e-nuff. PMA.

-Stigmata-