Corri's right. It's not you. You are smashingly normal. You've just allowed yourself to become a martyr to H's user. He has made you his indentured servant. You both are reaching critical mass (if not already definitely there). Like we said, I suggest you read Corri's "Stupid Question" solution thread; ie, cage-rattling.
And, like she said, it's him. Don't kick him to the curb just yet because he knows not what he is doing. Fogville. Depression. Does he stay in same PJs/grungy clothes all day? He needs to have a schedule, even if that means getting up with you, showering, and changing into nice clothes before he hits his computer. He needs routine.
I know of what I speak. Depression is sucking his life away....turning him into couch-like furniture.
He is frustrated with himself subconsciously and projecting that anger onto you. Do NOT rub GALing in his face; Keep GALing but do it subtly. Why? Because the more put together you appear...so well-functioning...the angrier it makes him and the further he wants to push you away and wallow.
I see a lot of stuff here as what's going on with Fran. Both Ms are in the "fog" Corri talks about in her thread. Except both of your Ms are stuck more in a blinding blizzard of self-pity/loathing. The final option big bang A-bomb is looming close at hand....
Question. Does H know your x is trying to reconnect with you? If you say, "yes, but he would just tell me to 'go ahead I don't care what you do'" then it just proves he's completely lost in the fog. This is Chrome/GEL wake up call territory, which I DO NOT recommend, of course, but somehow he needs to know he's driving you away.
Both your H and Haphazards' need, really need the both of you...no, doesn't seem like it. But they are extremely needy. They just wrongly think they are in control of a comfort zone situation where they are convinced they have you locked in so tight that niether of you will do anything to shake up the status quo.
They're in deep ruts. And what is a rut after all?
A Grave with the Ends Kicked Out.
Now, I like illustrations. Isn't it obvious? LOL. So here's another one. I think you will find it very enlightening, counselor.
Go to the Starbucks, usually with S14. Have lots of fun with S14, teasing each other or talking about more serious topics. Order my latte and X's coffee. Chat and laugh with S14.
When X shows up, he goes online and responds to his emails or reads. If I say anything to him, he says, "Landica, I'm working. Get me another coffee."
Drink my latte. Say, "Well, I guess I should be going..."
...Get home. Say hello to X, who is lying on the couch sleeping, on the computer or reading and doesn't respond...
...Clean up a little. Sometimes go to the gym with a friend or grocery shopping. Cook dinner (usually just for me and S14, because X "had a late lunch" or "isn't hungry") Eat dinner with S14 (who usually gives me a big hug and says "Mom, I love you. Thanks for making dinner.) Have fun conversations with S14 about his day, his friends, my day, my friends. Clean up the kitchen.
Sometimes watch a little tv with S14, making fun of the programs and laughing. Go to bed in the guest bedroom, telling S14 not to stay up too late.
Meanwhile, X falls asleep on the couch downstairs or in the master bedroom or goes out to Starbucks.
Fall asleep.
Wash, rinse, and repeat.
What is wrong with this picture? What is wrong with me that I live this way?
The original. Got it? Now, I'm going to do some creative cutting and pasting. You tell me what you think. See you at the end of the following text...
Go to the Starbucks, usually with X. Have lots of fun with X, teasing each other or talking about more serious topics. Order my latte and S14's hot chocolate. Chat and laugh with X.
When S14 shows up, he goes online and plays his video games or reads. If I say anything to him, he says, "Hi, mom, I'm just playing online. Thanks for the hot chocolate."
Drink my latte. Say, "Well, I guess I should be going..."
...Get home. Say hello to S14, who is lying on the couch sleeping, on the computer or reading and doesn't respond...
...Clean up a little. Sometimes go to the gym with a friend or grocery shopping. Cook dinner (usually just for me and X, because S14 "had a late lunch" or "isn't hungry") Eat dinner with X (who usually gives me a big hug and says "landica, I love you. Thanks for making dinner.) Have fun conversations with X about his day, his friends, my day, my friends. Clean up the kitchen.
Sometimes watch a little tv with X, making fun of the programs and laughing. Go to bed in the master bedroom with X, telling S14 not to stay up too late...
Wash, rinse, and repeat.
What is right with this picture? What is right with me that I live this way?
You live this way because S14 has become your X, while your enabling X's behaviors have transformed him into an unruly, undisciplined bratty 14 year old boy. That's how he's acting.
The question is. What would you do if your S14 acted in all of these very same ways as your X? See? And what do you do to immature snotty little brats who push your authority/boundaries as a strong mother?
I rest my case. Your witness.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
