Okay, you say you've been reading my Stupid Question Thread. Let's move the focus off you for a moment and turn to your xH, and HIS possible POV.
Let's imagine for a moment that H has leprosy. It is, of course, an ailment of the skin and nerve endings, where open sores permeate the body. With these sores being so visible and obvious, would you ever just walk up to him and grab him in a big ole bear hug (provided that you had a rock solid guarantee from God Himself that you would NOT catch the ailment?)
No.
Even with the guarantee from God, you would not do this, for to do so would cause him untold pain and agony. You understand the cause of the disease is not your fault, you understand that there is nothing you can do to cure the disease, and out of empathy and love for him, you wouldn't hug him either, for you would not want to cause him additional pain.
From your earlier posts, I gather that his childhood was quite traumatic. So, while H may not have leprosy on the outside, he does on the inside. His emotional wounds are open and gaping. When you 'move in' and attempt to be intimate with him... he cringes. Not because of YOU, but because of the wounds that have never healed. He's going to bark at you, yes... like he would at anyone who got too close... because what you are doing HURTS him. His emotional distance/unavailability creates a nice, dull buffer for him.
Unfortunately for him... not only does he shut out painful feelings, he also shuts out happy feelings. He lives in a world of a dull, thudding constant, somewhere in limbo, never really happy, never really sad (until you get too close). That grey, dull world is worse than hell. (I'm speaking from experience).
That is not to say he is lacking in all emotion, in all empathy, in all dignity or morals. He has integrity, he has intelligence, there are human fundamental emotions that his brain recognizes and acts upon... but only if he feels safe in acting upon them.
There is a part of him that is screaming at him to join the land of the living. If he beat his bulemia and his alcoholism, that's big. What I am gathering from you is he has replaced those soothing balms with other things, though, and he just can't help himself. We all want to feel good, and he will find what he considers to be the pathe of least resistance. Porn. Compulsive spending.
Yes, there is a way out, there is a way to join the land of the living... but I have to tell you, it is dam near impossible. The amount of pain you must inflict upon yourself, the paths through the deepest pits of hell in which you must travel, to come out on the other side and heal... that is a daunting task for anyone. Most especially men. That is a generalization, I know... but many men have a very difficult time in expressing painful emotion (and please, someone correct me if I am wrong)... the shame, the embarassment, the self-blame... anyway, I realize I am sounding a bit dramatic here... but I believe what you are asking of your H is much akin to asking a leper if he would mind too terribly you pouring salt into his open wounds.
And this, my friend, YOU are taking personally.
I am telling you, here and now, there is no way on this planet that you can fix this for him. No way. And even if this man loved you more than life itself, I think he is still going to have one hell of a time stepping up to this plate. Alcoholism and Bulemia are a walk in the park compared to uprooting and erradicating the cause of those addictions.
You have not gone into great detail about his alcoholism or his bulemia, or how he came to be back in your life with the Steve and Sarah episode. But I know you played a role in all of them. To me, that says that he loves you to the fullest extent that he is able.
This man is emtionally crippled. For you to ask him to be intimate with you is like asking a man in the late stages of polio to get up and run a marathon.
He will get as close to you as he is able. He illustrates this by being 'kind' to you after his verbal abuse bouts. He is like a man who holds you at arms length with one hand, yet beckons you closer with the other. And you wonder why you are sad and confused.
I don't mean to say this to depress you... but Lord knows, I probably am. I am sorry. My whole point in going this route is to impress upon you how critical it is to your own mental health not to personalize HIS problem. For his inability to fix it, what you consider to be his unwillingness to confront his issues, has NOTHING to do with you or your lovability. For truly, he loves you in spite of himself. That's why he feels guilty.
Now, of course, this is really all a matter of self-experienced, educated speculation on my part. Only you can tell me if anything I am saying might ring true. You know him far better than ANYONE on the planet. Believe me. And I'm sure you think you don't know much.
Given the history with your father, and how he is... you found the perfect man with H to 'heal' you. I know you want him to love you, but I am here to tell you, you are NOT going to get blood from a turnip. It ain't going to happen.
Until you can step back and see this for yourself, you are going to be caught in that vortex of confusion and sadness. When you can do this, when you can accept this, even though it makes you sad, only then can you make a decision of what to do with the rest of your life. That doesn't mean you move on. That doesn't mean that you don't. But until you can let him off 'the hook,' (and in so doing, let go of your father's inabilities as well), you really can't make a decision with YOUR best interests at heart.
Okay, this is enough for now. I can well imagine this is going to be a severe blow to your mid-section if I've hit close to the mark. If I haven't, tell me. If I have, let me know what you think, when you are ready.
