new, blue and searching for a clue

[Stigmata]

landica--

I've been avoiding you. I'd admit. And a big reason is I see a lot of my x in you in terms of where you are. This is her last summer.

And in the workplace she is a take no prisoners gal. Never have I seen another employee anywhere she worked reach her efficiency/productivity. At least 2x faster/more than next best employee. She wants a raise? Goes to CEO and gets it. New position? Makes sure it will happen sooner or later.

So what we're talking about here is a disconnect between your professional life in terms of assertiveness and your personal life, which is currently being controlled by an fear of abandonment supplicant. And this supplicant has been further entrenched by your deep wounds over Steve and Sarah. Sorta like venturing away from H for the first time into the street and getting run over by a meat truck. At which point H was there to scoop you up and bring you home to rehabilitate.


"You know, thinking about it, I suppose that what I'm really afraid of is that if I really start to assert myself that I'll have to kick X to the curb. Which I don't want to do. For, well, a lot of reasons. (see previous post)."

- And this is why I tried to stay away. Pain. I know this is exactly where my x was last summer. Your reasons not to. All of which I can see her saying to a girlfriend over lunch. And the love but "not in love" last line. Yep. That was my final bomb. She got over her fear of losing me and cut me loose so she could find being "in love" again.

In many ways, I was your H. Not quite the background issues but the sulkiness, yes, depression, frustration with keeping up with x in the financial measurements (which is not your sitch as we've already determined). And I became LD. But, unlike you, she never brought it up. We were actually having some good times but she started detaching from me in her new jet-setting new city, new country, new hotel life surrounded by scads of Ms and Fs either Ded or in midst of D. And all of these people have all the great convos to engage/network, are dressed to the nines, and all go out for expense account dinners, jazz/dance/comedy clubs and bars with plenty o inhibition-lowering booze.

Was very obvious it was sucking her in and she started leaving me behind. What kills me is she brought up the sex issue during the bomb after the fact. And, like you, all her x's are now sniffing around, sending things, making moves. When I read what you did to freezer guy I really admired that as it is easy to get sucked into a place from vulnerability. I can only assume my x is commiserating with newly D older guy with money, among others and was not so dismissive.

So there are the parallels anyway so far. I'll let Corri continue her questions etc. and at some point I'll try to give you some perspective from H's side. I speak from experience. Arrrr. I hate this. More revealing garbage. I suffered 2 crippling depressions over the past 13 years and I somehow emerged from them with zero assistance. I am currently in a mild one, if I am honest with myself, yet I am GALing to combat this.

Let me just say. Your H is in a funk and he doesn't even realize how it's affecting you, trust me. Those comments from your last post. I see how it would play out. Like my sitch. If you were to tell him the "not in love with you" line and firmly decide, as my x, to leave him I am pretty sure, like me, a month or so from now he will be on a board like this and trying to GAL to either get you back or rebuild himself into a more desireable man. When I get more info about him I can give you more M perspective.

Now...
"But, Stigmata, if you could try to explain to me again about the three voices/entities (sounds a little Sybillesque)...... I'm still not sure I get it.

In fact, I'm sure that I don't get it."

- Know what? I'll be honest here. I don't get what the hell I was trying to say either. Shrug. Late hour. Delirium from sleep wreckage. For some reason I went all zen buddhist on your azz. Not to mention way overcomplicating a straightforward issue, as I will be the first to admit I may do from time to time. Overthinking is an issue I recognize and try to not let muck up important parts of my life.

Sybil. Let me assure you I do not have multiple personality disorder with 3 voices in melon. I would tell you honestly if I did. But, on the other hand, having a gum-popping, hair-twisting, rope-jumping 12 year old girl suddenly pop out of me during a business meeting would add some much-needed spice and be fodder for some pretty cool convos afterwards.

The entity thing. Basically something out of Trance Meditation. What I was getting at is what I see from your interactions with H and others. And your comments about feeling like a minor character in your own story. What I think Corri is continuing with is showing you can lose your past issues that make you a victim. Seize control of the bus in your personal life and drive it to where you want to go. Perhaps via one of the ways she cites in her "Stupid Question" thread to make yourself heard to your SO.

In my last post I was saying that I see this weak victim inner voice in your head, who needs to get more assertive, confident, self-assured in the attraction/desireability department. But Corri is already all over this.

The 3rd voice maybe isn't a voice at all. Maybe just clarity of thought/purpose. But it's always there. If you just learn to quiet the feeling-powerless-in-your -R-voice and empty your mind for a period of time and listen for it; think about how you truly feel about H and landica-driven solutions to get yourself and H to where you want to be. May also be called F intuition.

Blech. Starting to get weirdo zen again. But it is what TM gurus do. And what Frost writes. Let this observer look at your R sitch with selfish, confident, detached, what's best for landica first perspective.

Ahem. Carry on. And if you're wondering about H's behavior just give a shout, esquire.

-Stigmata-