Lan:

Good Lord, woman... do you have any idea how flippin' NORMAL and HEALTHY you are? You have a serious propensity for accepting others' problems as your own (and this I would limit only to men with whom you are intimate)... but other than that... shoo'... you are about one of the most admirable people I've run across. So stop beating yourself up or you will be insulting my highly honed admiring skills. The job situation thingy you just described ALONE proves my point. Dam me girl, I really like you. You know Who You Are, and you know What You Want. And you know What You Are Capable of/what you aren't capable of. That is one rare person indeed.

Okay. Let's now revisit your confusion and sadness issue. Based on what you've described about yourself (inaccurate self-assement), and more importantly, when we compare it to your actions (which completely belie your self-assessment)... you will begin to see you are owning a problem that is not yours to own. This is where your confusion is coming from.

Your sadness comes in because you can't fix "you" enough to solve the problem. And when you can't fix the problem, you become more confused.

Again, you can't fix this problem because it isn't yours to fix.

I think if you can really and truly accept that what is going on in the affection/sex area with your xH is NOT your problem, (yet you think it is somehow about you)... then you will begin to see where your chronic confusion and sadness is entering the picture.

I realize I am repeating myself to death here... but I want to make sure you get this.

Even if you don't agree with me immediately... (cuz I know you aren't going to want to)... just for exercise sake... let's take you out of the equation. Would your xH's affection/sex issue still be a problem for you? No. Would your xH's affection/sex issue still be a problem for him? (I'm gonna go with yes).

Now. To be fair to you... when we interact with people who have a problem who, for whatever reason, legitimate or not, don't want to deal with their problem... the typical M.O. for that person is to make the other person feel as if THEY are the one with the problem. Projection.

What you've done here is accepted ownership of the football (the problem), and you are running full tilt down the field with the ball... and all the while you are saying to yourself... 'what the hell am I doing? Oh, I've got the ball... that means I'm supposed to run with it... well... okay... but, wait, I hate football... I don't want to play football... what the fck am I doing?...."

So you stop running, because you've got this ball someone gave you and told you to run with, but you don't really like playing football, thank you... and you go to hand it back... and then someone (xH) barks at you "You've got the football, RUN!!!!!" And so you take off again....

This making any sense to you?

Now. Do I think you're helping solve the problem? No. Actually, by claiming this problem as your own, you're making things worse. But that you CAN fix.

So. I need to know two things here from you. One, given everything life has thrown at you, you are an amazingly well-adjusted, healthy, normal woman. I'm sure you have your quirks, we all do... but for the most part, very normal, very healthy. Can you see this? Can you accept this about yourself? Read back over your posts if you somehow seem to think I'm shoveling sh!t at you. And I think most people here would agree that I don't stroke egos just to make someone feel good.

Two. Can you truly accept that this problem is not yours to own? You are not the problem? (You may not be helping it, but it isn't yours to own.)

Think on it. When you are ready to answer, when this realization truly hits you, you will know it. And then tell me how you feel about you now.

Then we'll proceed.

Corri