new, blue and searching for a clue

[Stigmata]

counselor.

old Corri post 2U:

"...See? You did it. Now practice more and more, with all kinds of things that happen to you on a daily basis, from that area of "KNOWING" that is inside you.
Become more familiar with it by deciding what YOU DO want... for yourself, no one else. By saying to yourself... "Okay, I AM worthy of life, I AM the driver of my own bus of life (not a victim of it)... so what does that mean, specifically? Who is this person? What does she want from life? What does that look like?..."

from new Corri post in response 2U:
[landica]
"...Well, this could be. Maybe I just learned to expect so little from my father, in terms of love, affection, affirmation, that I'll too easily settle for little from another man."

Block quote end
[corri]
"...This is the understatement of the year. Perhaps this is why you have dodged my question... what, exactly, are you getting out of the current situation with your XH? Exactly as it is"

And now. A word or 2 from my good friend, Robert, to tie together the above excerpts I plucked from the 2 corri posts :

"We all sit around in a ring and suppose,

While the truth sits in the center and knows."

-Robert Frost-

...and the "we" here I do not mean Corri or the rest of us on this BB. But as Frost intended. The "we" is each of us. Each of our inner dialogue, inner voices. Trying to understand why we do the things we do.

Repeating from corri's old post once more:

"...from that area of "KNOWING" that is inside you...."

"...While the truth sits in the center and knows."

Repeating from corri's new post:

"...what, exactly, are you getting out of the current situation with your XH? Exactly as it is"

..."While the truth sits in the center and knows."

Exposition:

There are 3 sentient "entities" within each of us. I've recognized each of them in me. There is the primary conscious proactive, physical stimulus-response day-to-day survival me. There is the secondary inner dialogue me who incessantly gabs away at the first me with his neurotic opinings about his fcuked up R and heartache (at present anyway.)

And there is a very...very goose-bump-inducing powerful 3rd entity in me who watches these 2 others with detachment. And he is always dead silent. Yet he is all knowing. Not God per se but definitely made of the same material. Frost's "truth" that "knows" perhaps.

Here is your inner dialogue "entity" trying to assume the rightful place of your own 3rd all-knowing "entity" I [and perhaps Frost] speak of. Also taken from an old post from you BTW:

"...In my darker moods, I sometimes phrase it to myself as I'm a character in a book that's really about someone else. And not a major character, either. All I can do is watch, from a distance and through a glass, darkly, and try to discern the "real'" plot of the story...."

Your secondary inner voice is helpless in this role. That makes you feel helpless. She cannot discern anything from the plot [your life] as you say because only your 3rd entity can do that. Self-directed people act. Self-victimizers react. Actors drive the car; captain the ship; pilot the plane. Reactors sit shotgun; aft; in coach.

Yank this inner voice from the center of the ring. She is out of her element/league, overmatched, and very weak at this point in your recovery. An ineffectual doormat. Looking at all of the dials/knobs/controls on the Boeing 777 in bewilderment...

Tap into that 3rd observer inside of you. The one who watches the primary physical you in constant discussion with this self-loathing supplicating, weak inner voice. If you are able to completely clear your mind you will feel her...and it might give you goosebumps when you feel her. Damned powerful. Damned knowledgeable. And damned silent...detached...radiating pure rational truth and thought.

Listen to her. She will tell you what to do. If you put her back in the center of the ring, where she rightfully belongs, she will show you the way.

She is a boundary goddess and she will not accept dishonor, disrespect, or selfish manipulation from others to her corporeal "host."

She is smart. She is gorgeous. She is desireable. She is successful in life. She is confident. She is assertive. She is good-natured/funny. She is someone any man or woman would be crazy to lose.

Let her point her finger to your secondary inner dialogue doormat. "Silence." Let this vibrant being take over for a while, what do you say?

It'll get rid of all the back and forth gab gab gabbing going on in your head. Her silent strength will clear your mind...so you can make your next decisions/actions in your R and in your life in general...

-Stigmata-