I also assumed that you havent tried stopping him while he is in a fit of meanness and saying- --- 'If you cant be nice----There is the door. I will not be treated by anyone, Especially you, my best friend,(?) like this. You can stop, or you can leave. Your choice.'---instead of leaving yourself
Quote: And what if he says no? Actually, more often, it's the other way around. I'll try to talk about X (what I want, what I don't want), he sets a boundary in stone. "Landica, I don't want to talk about this now (or ever). Just leave me alone
your mixing up several different scenarios here.
What if he says no? hmmm so you havent done this then, have you. I didnt say order him to leave. I said give him a choice, stop being mean (setting up a boundary) or leave. Choice has a very interesting effect on people. It elicits a different reaction then ultimatums and threats. also you are throwing up objections, probably out of fear of the outcome. Boundaries dont have fear. They can cause loss and various other unpleasant feelings but they are good for us in the long run. Come what may.
That was in response to your first question. Second scenario.
Quote: I'll try to talk about X (what I want, what I don't want), he sets a boundary in stone. "Landica, I don't want to talk about this now (or ever). Just leave me alone
first --What you dont want. If he doesnt want to talk about what you dont want...Great. He should <shudder yuccky word> respect what you dont want. He will only respect which you require. ex. I dont respect seat belt laws. they put no points on my record. I dont wear one. They prevent me from doing my superman impression of flying thru the windshield and being the first one on the scene of the accident to actually start assisting those who HAVE gotten injured. (joke/ kindof) If I get a ticket I pay it and continue on without one. The fine amount makes me yawn/ Im doing my part for city improvements/paying the nice officers salary. However when I go four wheeling I wear one. The laws of physics require/demand that I do so. its about respect.
Ok last scenario. You in turn must also respect what he doesnt want. Which brings us back to choice. either he wants to talk about the R or..... ?? either you accept that he is the way he is or .....??
Gel had to do this to start the beginnings of progress. Define her boundaries.
Im going to differ with corries assesment of your marital contract. Marriages existed for millenia without POP. Pieces of paper. You and H have remarried for all intensive purposes. Joint dwelling, socially recognized, family unit, implicitly understood fidelity. Id wager there are even joint finances somewhere. my opinion. at any rate those POP have no consequence on emotion and rarely on action.
