Interesting. I associate (not having yet gotten the book Haphazard recommended) the concept of narcissism with a kind of grandiose thinking, with egoism, with thinking you're somehow superior to others. But I suppose it could work the other way around too....
YEAH!! EXCELLENT!! No, I do not think you are a narcissist, but we ALL have narcissistic tendencies, because we are ego-based creatures. Those with vicitm mentalities do have a bit of this (takes one to know one, so don't think I'm being judgmental).
Quote: Well, you're certainly right here. Where would I begin? How do I think about things differently? What would I do?
Here are The Four Agreements, as stated by don Miguel Ruiz (an excellent book, by the way... quick read, very powerful).
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
Given your new mental attitude, let's re-examine these:
Quote: 1) Sarah had her own reasons for doing what she did (she wanted a husband and a family), but they had nothing to do with me.
2) Should I have confronted her instead of just hanging up on her when she called me or should I have told myself "Her loss for throwing away one of her closest friendships?
3) Is there yet another way you might look at this?
(And I have to ask here... were you actively dating Steve while he was making a move on Sarah? Was Sarah aware you were actively dating Steve when she began to see him?)
So given your new PMA... what would you say?
Quote: 1)Look, Landica, Steve has made it clear in about a hundred different ways that for whatever reason he's just not interested in a permanent relationship with you." And told him good bye and good riddance, instead of hanging around, hoping that someday he'd change his mind.
AHHHHHHH.... did these people really betray you? Are you saying that Steve was clear with you, and you were perhaps misunderstanding him because you didn't want to hear him? If they didn't in fact betray you, how then would you view yourself and this situation? How might it be different?
In any event... what do you think about your statement above now?
Quote: Or H's childhood and his own choices have made him not want to have anything to do with sex or affection. It's not my fault and I can't change him.
Stop the sentence right there. In view of this statement, where does that leave you?
Quote: All I can do is stop him when he goes too far in verbally abusing me.
This seems to be an Oxymoron. Abuse is a abuse. How do you go too far with it? So you are telling me you are willing to put up with some abuse, but not a lot of abuse? Where is that line with you?
A person will only abuse you as far as you are willing to abuse yourself... for once they abuse you more than you abuse yourself, you fight back or stop it. So... how much are you willing to abuse yourself? Have you ever monitored this with yourself?
This is your internal victim's 'modis operendi.' Your self-sabboteur. Can you see it? Tell me how it operates. Tell me how being a victim can be used to your personal advantage.
Quote: Or, of course, leave him. And the fact that I don't WANT to leave H is a symptom of my larger problem?
Number one, he ISN'T your H. The marital contract has already been broken. Stop treating this as if it is a marriage, because it isn't.
You don't want to leave your Ex-H because you are getting soomething out of this relationship. What are you gettting out of it. Don't tell me you stay because of what it could be, if you just worked to make it better. What are you getting out of it right now, EXACTLY as it is?
