Well, it's heartening to hear I'm getting a little closer. You are making sense. Lots of sense. But it's hard to think/see a different reality
Quote: So this is what we are attacking. Steve didn't DO anything TO you. Sarah didn't DO anything TO you. Your H didn't DO anything TO you. Not because you were or were not important to any of them... it was never about you, period. I am not saying that so that you translate it to mean that you are not or were not 'worthy' for it to be about you... the whole view should be thrown out ENTIRELY.
Your weakness and propensity... the need for it to be about you in some way is the problem EXACTLY. This in and of itself creates an identity for you. You KNOW how to play this role in life... even if you don't like it.
Interesting. I associate (not having yet gotten the book Haphazard recommended) the concept of narcissism with a kind of grandiose thinking, with egoism, with thinking you're somehow superior to others. But I suppose it could work the other way around too....
Quote: This is what we are in the processing of undoing with you... it is very, very scary to decide that you will no longer be a passenger in life.... you get to drive for the very first time... and you probably have no idea where to begin... or you do... but to actually do it is something else...
Well, you're certainly right here. Where would I begin? How do I think about things differently? What would I do or have done differently?
Would I say (trying here), Sarah had her own reasons for doing what she did (she wanted a husband and a family), but they had nothing to do with me? Would I/should I have confronted her instead of just hanging up on her when she called me? Or would I have told myself, "Her loss for throwing away one of her closest friendships?" Or maybe "It's good that I found out that I couldn't trust her before I wasted another minute of my time with her."
Would I have just said to myself, "Look, Landica, Steve has made it clear in about a hundred different ways that for whatever reason he's just not interested in a permanent relationship with you." And told him good bye and good riddance, instead of hanging around, hoping that someday he'd change his mind.
Or H's childhood and his own choices have made him not want to have anything to do with sex or affection. It's not my fault and I can't change him. All I can do is stop him when he goes too far in verbally abusing me. Or, of course, leave him. And the fact that I don't WANT to leave H is a symptom of my larger problem?
Quote: You villanize and abuse yourself with your own mental dialogue... blackfoot noticed that with you... and you are going to have to start re-programming that as well. But you have to WANT it. ....
You were taught to be a victim from the earliest age. It's apparent in how you write/speak of yourself, even now. You still accept this as your own truth. I"m telling you, you don't have to accept this, there is no reason for you to accept it (unless you like being this way, then that's cool)... understand that you have all the power in the world you need to change this. You just have to want it.
Okay. Let's say that I want to change. I certainly can see that what I've been doing hasn't been exactly working out that well. What are the first steps?
You don't have to tell me.
But at least give me a few more clues so I can figure it out myself.
