YES... you are missing my point, though I am most pleased to see you are close to getting it. Ever play hot/cold when you were a kid... someone would pick out something in the room and as you got closer, they'd say "hotter," or as you moved farter away, they'd say "colder."
We're playing hot/cold... and you're getting warmer. Again, though, finding it on your own has tons more significance and is more likely to stick than if I just came right out and said blah, blah, blah. Hence the hot/cold stuff.
I will tell you that you are probably a supplicant and things seem to happen 'to' you in life because as a kid you were never given the opportunity to develop any kind of self-confidence of your own. It was always, always quashed.... at least when it came to intimate relationships. You go along because that is what you have always done... and that is where your sadness and confusion come in... you hate going along, but you really don't have the self-love or the self-knowledge to do anything BUT go along.
So this is what we are attacking. Steve didn't DO anything TO you. Sarah didn't DO anything TO you. Your H didn't DO anything TO you. Not because you were or were not important to any of them... it was never about you, period. I am not saying that so that you translate it to mean that you are not or were not 'worthy' for it to be about you... the whole view should be thrown out ENTIRELY.
Your weakness and propensity... the need for it to be about you in some way is the problem EXACTLY. This in and of itself creates an identity for you. You KNOW how to play this role in life... even if you don't like it.
The role was created for you based upon your childhood experiences. You've accepted the role as your own.... and somehow you've accepted that there is no other role for you to play... you've accepted what you consider to be the 'truth' of others' perceptions of you as your own truth.
This is what we are in the processing of undoing with you... it is very, very scary to decide that you will no longer be a passenger in life.... you get to drive for the very first time... and you probably have no idea where to begin... or you do... but to actually do it is something else...
You villanize and abuse yourself with your own mental dialogue... blackfoot noticed that with you... and you are going to have to start re-programming that as well. But you have to WANT it. I can tell you this until I am blue in the face, but until you decide to give up the self-flogging, victim role addiction you've got going... we're going to walk in circles.
You were taught to be a victim from the earliest age. It's apparent in how you write/speak of yourself, even now. You still accept this as your own truth. I"m telling you, you don't have to accept this, there is no reason for you to accept it (unless you like being this way, then that's cool)... understand that you have all the power in the world you need to change this. You just have to want it.
At the very core of you, you believe "I am a victim. I am not worthy to be anything but." That's what comes through loud and clear to me.
Hate to say it, sister, but this is only true if you accept it. Making any sesne?
