Quote: In my darker moods, I sometimes phrase it to myself as I'm a character in a book that's really about someone else. And not a major character, either. All I can do is watch, from a distance and through a glass, darkly, and try to discern the "real'" plot of the story.
Come to think of it, that describes my childhood pretty well. And maybe my life in general. Things happen "to" me.
I began my journey on this rocky road was when describing to a friend that when I was a child I used to feel like I was floating above myself watching what went on. She looked at me quite goggle-eyed because she was sexually abused by her father and said “Sorry if I’m wrong but that’s abuse, that’s a child’s reaction to being abused”. That was the moment I finally realised that I am a f*cked up chick too . Up until that point I had always regarded my parents as a bit mad - you know colourful characters - but that I'd survived intact. Wrong! They were a pair of nutters who should never have been left in charge of children - LOL
Quote: For once, I was the one being chosen, the one who mattered, the one with the power to just walk away and end it. Which I did. When you ended the relationship with the married guy you felt good because you established a boundary. Healthy people (apparently) do that all the time which is why healthy people usually manage to get it together with healthy people – while the rest of us poor suckers are stuck with other emotional cripples. The reason you did that powerful thing for yourself was because it was easy and clear-cut. You are not that f*cked up. A simple black and white scenario arose and you were able to do the healthy thing.
Quote: But maybe I *prefer* relationships where I'm the -- for want of a better word -- supplicant. ….
I don't think that H would be lost without me. Far from it. …..
When I was single, I would go to parties and feel sorry for all the other women, stuck with these partners that *I* certainly wouldn't want (though maybe they were perfectly happy). I felt proud of myself that I didn't need a man, that I could do everything (well, almost everything ) myself.
Read Narcissism by Alexander Lowen Don’t worry if you have read anything already about NPD because you DON’T have a personality disorder (says Dr Fran ) This book explains the full spectrum of Narcissism from the most mild to the psychopathic. But I feel you would learn a hell of a lot by reading it and understand why you feel you prefer to be the supplicant.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
. Up until that point I had always regarded my parents as a bit mad - you know colourful characters - but that I'd survived intact. Wrong! They were a pair of nutters who should never have been left in charge of children - LOL
