Stigmata: I'm going to try to respond to as many of your points as I can, but I do have to put in some work today to justify my salary....
Quote: This man is very very unhappy. Why? And I doubt it's you. he is not happy inside/happy with himself, judging from these and other comments. Almost self-hatred. The denying himself the basic human esential of ever physically touching another person ever again.
You're right. I think H really does almost hate himself. And, over the years, he's tried so many (mostly self-destructive) ways to try and make himself feel better about himself: alcoholism, running up enormous debts buying things he can't afford and doesn't need or use, OW, bulemia, daily psychotherapy... Not surprisingly, none of them have helped and most of them have hurt.
Quote: but get to the bottom of why your H is so unhappy with himself. Not enough info. Is it possible he is threatened by your career and success? I've known my share of academics who, despite being geniuses, can't get past the "those who can't do, teach" stigma; always feeling inferior to their peers with similar educational backgrounds yet who had gone into the high-paying private sector instead of lower paying academia.
I'm almost laughing at this one (not to be mean to you), but just because I guess I haven't really explained the work/money situation clearly. I'm the one with the (relatively) low-paying public sector job. I'm a prosecutor, which is rewarding in many ways, but certainly not financially.
H on the other hand, has tenure at a so-called top ten law school and makes way more than twice my salary. You see, unlike other academics, law school professors at the "best" schools (besides having all the perks that go with being academics, summers off, short working hours, no direct supervision) get paid a boatload. And I'm talking salaries that top out at well over $300K (not that H gets paid anything like that). Plus the opportunity to do lucrative "consulting" at the tune of $500/hour.
If I had to guess, I'd say that H feels like a failure partly based on his current complete inability to produce any publishable work. He's had writer's block ever since he got tenure and that makes him feel worthless.
In addition, as I might have mentioned before, he had a pretty bad childhood. His father left (for OW) when H was very young, leaving H's mother with 3 kids under the age of 5.
H's mother's was a mathematician and workaholic who, although I'm sure she loved H deeply, never said "I love you" and never hugged or touched him in any way. Because H (unlike his brothers) had no particular talent in math, H was always considered the "stupid" one of the familiy.
H's father didn't pay any child support, didn't see H very often and most of the time didn't show up when he promised to visit. On the other hand, H's father lavished attention on his new family with his new wife and eventually told H that the new wife wasn't "comfortable" with H and his brothers visiting any more.
H's mother got breast cancer when H was about 10, and, while she lived for another 15 years or so, was constantly in and out of the hospital. She was also hospitalized several times for depression, leaving H and his brothers in the care of a neighbor.
The only person who ever gave H any "positive" attention was the coach who sexually abused him for years. So, I can certainly understand H's unhappiness and anger.
Quote: Does he exercise and get out, as BF asked?
In a word: no. Though he did go skiing yesterday with our son.
Quote: Think BF again mentioned, maybe incorporate his academic etc. or intellectual interests so he doesn't think it's all a bunch of yucky sticky R hooey.
I'm going to think about this one. But H is far from stupid and my bet is that he'll see right through it.
Quote: Also. Another bluff: "go find another man." He is positive you won't call him on it.
Let's just say, maybe he shouldn't be so positive that I won't.
Okay. So in summary: PMA, GAL and get to the gym more often. I can do that.
(not to be mean to you), but just because I guess I haven't really explained the work/money situation clearly. I'm the one with the (relatively) low-paying public sector job. I'm a prosecutor, which is rewarding in many ways, but certainly not financially. 
