new, blue and searching for a clue

[haphazard]

Hi Landica,

Boy you've had a tough time and I can totally see why you ran back to your H.

I would suggest as a start off point to read (on these boards) an article called Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself re your feelings about Sarah and Steve. It's really important to try and forgive because by doing so you will release yourself and learn to trust again.

I would also suggest reading anything you can about Narcissism. Strikes me your H could have a touch of that about him and I wouldn't be surprised if you found a few things that chime in with your own character . I sure did and it taught me a lot. A good book I can recommend is Narcissism by Alexander Lowen.

You will find stuff in there about how charming narcissists can be when their narcissistic supply is cut off. By drawing boundaries with him you are threatening that and he is being charming. HPs suggestions about getting a life are pretty much the mantra around here and it DOES work. It has a double effect 1) you're R becomes less important in the scheme of things and therefore has less power to make you miserable and 2) You become a happier and more attractive person to be around thus helping your R if you KWIM.

take care

Fran

[blackfoot]

I definitely second the idea (I think it was GEL's, but I could be wrong) that you should think about writing a book containing your insights.


first the majority of what I talk about are not 'my theories'.

The purported wisest man ever (who ironically was swayed from righteousness, by his many wives-- incrementalism and T I M E-- see below.) Solomon said 'There is nothing new under the sun' and 'to the making of many books there is no end.'
Ecclesiastes 1:9, 12:12

(Ill also wager that 'The purpose driven life' is just a restating with christian viewpoints Napolean Hills --Think and Grow Rich )

Im not a genius, or even novel. so you guys can stop with that stuff, my head/ego is big enough allready. Your just going to make it worse. Ill hold you responsible for it. hahahah hahahha ahhhh <whew>.

on that note ...

Some other Authors,
Dr. Frank Gunzberg
Dr. Susan Heitler
Dr. Richard Hunt

Other unwitting teachers
agents
"talent scouts" ....
very very succesfull salespeople
books on biochemistry/ kineseology
being a teacher/instructor in various extreme behavior modification activities


Its interesting how the mind rationalizies ideas and concepts. It comes up with explanations for why something cannot be, then will completely flip in the face of new irrefutable evidence. It happens to all of us. We deny something, then when we see it or are shown how, we go 'oh. OHHHHH'. Nothing changed just our mind explaining it backwards.
In the past when different cultures explained why it rained, why there where seasons, what the stars were... were they wrong? I think they just explained it with the words and knowledge they had at the time.

M/F dynamics have not changed. The bible and various other cultures were not wrong with what Should be. We have been wrong for decades with our 'enlightened equality' BS. my point....
The past couple years my vocab has changed radically twice in how I attempt to explain the same things I was doing/ seeing/showing my friends in my early 20's.
A persons -more specifically a mans (cause they are all I talk to about this IRL,)extensive education(being a braniac) actually makes it more difficult to try to explain. He needs more whys, more verbage, more specificity, then someone else who I just say 'Dude be a man'(act aggressive lead/ not supplicating) Dont take her sh!t, (boundary control/ not placating) 'Bust on her' (be humorous, and macho/ not self deprecating)

Also, I was just this week thinking about how I havent really had any concrete advice, actions or behavior changes and even less whys, that I offered to the HDW here. I told Lil never thought of it from that side before. Everytime I go to GEL's thread and post I end up deleting it. I think --well she is doing a great job, the right thing, its going to take T I M E, and she is being patient. So I delete it and think to myself Great job GEL. your doing awesome, I am so impressed, and learning from you. (Isnt she irritating? Even when she 'blows up' and gets all medusa on him, its the 'right thing'. <puking icon here>)

Isnt that helpful? .....LOL. HP has been working at this for quite a while too. Nops has given her great advice, that is just subtly different then what she was doing, but it makes all the difference. I learned the obvious myself. Again.

So listen to them, (not just those 2, other ladies here too )they know the drill. But since you asked..... ok, Ill bring my brutal honesty.

And just let me add that H was a real sweetheart these last couple of days.

Figure out what the dynamic was that caused this. Do what works.

And, to be fair, it was H (even though we were divorced and living apart) who pulled me through that horrible time, who took care of me, made sure I was getting enough to eat and told Sarah (since I just couldn't talk to her) what a horrible thing she had done to me and how little he now thought of her.

This is simultaneously the pot calling the kettle black ,by him, and an insight into your H. You needed him, he stepped up and 'took care of you'. This is a very strong desire/motivator for men --to be the rescuer. He does care for you.

His idea is that a good defense is a vicious offense and he says the absolute most hurtful, horrible things he can think of

WE need a clearer picture of your approach, and reaction to this action of his.

I reiterated to him today that if he didn't start meeting some of my needs he could leave immediately. He was fairly contrite and apologized for what he had said and said that, although it was very hard for him, that he was going to try to do better in terms of giving me affection and compliments. I'd personally like many more specifics on how he's going to "try."

Very good. Do not ---want specifics. Ask for them. Say I would like a hug and/or a kiss everyday before I leave and come home from work. Baby steps, Affirmations, WOA. Men get things in 2 ways. A 4X4 to the head, which is usually a temporary fix, or incremental painless changes that create new habitual activities. Karen said it was 30 days to a habit, true, but 90 days for them to 'stick' without conscious application. If you had to seek out H and give him a kiss everyday for 3 months, would it be worth it if you found he started seeking you out after that? Of course you couldnt drop the rope completely,aferwards, if it did work.

It's just that they have to be open to new things and new ways of thinking about things.
You H is an Academic? He does this then I assume. Figure out ways to have convos about m/f dynamics but bring it from a social viewpoint, or a historical one. use a discovery channel program or a national geograhic article. Not-- I want this and you should be this.

L: I understand you feel that way, but is that how you really want to feel? Maybe you could change

Do yourself a favor. Dont say this again. or this

L: Well, if you feel that way, why did you want to get back together with me?
You were offering him an opportunity to be nice, seeking a reassurance. Insecure, not attractive.

When you go on a date do you say I need you to do this and that for me to be happy? No. You are happy with who you are as a person allready, or you set up a pyshcological stench that drives the opposite sex away.

Some other things. You said your H stays at home? he doesnt get out. Not good. get him out. see if some activity with son will get him out and about.

HP said,

As long as your self esteem is in the crapper, no one is going to look/act appealing to you. You 'get' what you radiate 'out', kwim?......The idea should be to enrich your life...to experience new things and new people. Not necessarily to find a new life partner but just to, well, live.
As you begin to heal from the abusive/controlling nature of this R, I would expect that more suitable mates will come into your life

Ta-Dum. That was great. (HP what have you been reading. Come-on share.) Kind of where I am currently. I am only interested in having a certain 'caliber' of friends, and people around me who are positive. There are a few negatives in my work that are not going anywhere, due to their skills, and I have tried various ways in the past to deal with their negativity. Except for asserting (boy is that a mild way of putting it) what I will and wont tolerate. Sometimes you have to go overboard, and then can ease back once a certain level of mutual respect and admiration?... acceptance at any rate has been established.

I ultimately respond to the barrage by saying something like "I refuse to be around someone who talks to me like that" and leave the room or the car or the house. Which, in essence, means his strategy works

This has to be changed. Its threating to him, invokes his abandonment, love avoider issues, brings up his walls.
change it to what though? mmmmm...... thinking..... what would a 180 be. What would a confidant person do.... what would defuse the situation, yet set boundaries at the same time.

Give us some of your ideas, smarty pants Lawyer. Ill hold back on mine for now.

lastly
but he hates any discussion about "the relationship," so I basically don't have any deep discussions with him
I dont know how else to put it. He has to be broken of this. Something that will require him to come to the table and talk about the R, as yuckky as doing that is. Put it on the back burner for now though IMO.
You can have deep conversations about other topics, even related topics that are not adversarially you vs. him.

lastly
GAL. hit the gym again. develop some friendships. have some fun. its infectious.

[Baltoman]

Some other Authors,
Dr. Frank Gunzberg
Dr. Susan Heitler
Dr. Richard Hunt

Frank Gunzberg was my first MC. W didn't like him. I got him after reading an on-line book he helped put together.

[Stigmata]

I definitely second the idea (I think it was GEL's, but I could be wrong) that you should think about writing a book containing your insights.

-- Oh, no, not another "R Dynamics for Dummies" book. LOL. j/k. Besides, the "Dummies" publisher wouldn't touch it.

Would make War & Peace look like a travel brochure.

Ever try to bind 2,000 pages? Even that might not be enough. No one will ever figure this crap out. LOL.


"...first the majority of what I talk about are not 'my theories'.

The purported wisest man ever (who ironically was swayed from righteousness, by his many wives-- incrementalism and T I M E-- see below.) Solomon said 'There is nothing new under the sun' and 'to the making of many books there is no end.'
Ecclesiastes 1:9, 12:12"

--NICE. And I think every NYC book publisher should mount this passage in their respective lobbies. Not everyone deserves to be an author, editors.

In fact, a few months ago I saw an interview with an married author who recently had written a book about how best to cheat on your spouse. Talked about the 40-mile rule or something (I refuse to name the title); keeping OM/OW that far. Makes me puke.

("I...Ill also wager that 'The purpose driven life' is just a restating with christian viewpoints Napolean Hills --Think and Grow Rich )"

-- Hill's book should be required reading IMO.

"...Im not a genius, or even novel. so you guys can stop with that stuff, my head/ego is big enough allready. Your just going to make it worse. Ill hold you responsible for it. hahahah hahahha ahhhh <whew>."

-- LOL. Blackfoot Weiner Davis. Web site under construction.

"...M/F dynamics have not changed. The bible and various other cultures were not wrong with what Should be. We have been wrong for decades with our 'enlightened equality' BS. my point...."

-- Yes. A thousand times, yes. And the Bible had zero asociation with Darwinian theory and genetic studies; yet it somehow manages to validate them, doesn't it?

The Koran, Torah, Bible, Book of the Dead--whatever your bent--is the fundamental blueprint for sustaining this species of bipeds; preventing sociological entropy and total chaos.

We are viri; the Earth's biggest collective virus. Do you realize that? Compared to nearly everything else we produce absolutely nothing symbiotic to give back to the Earth. We consume wantonly. We breed like rats. We use. We raze. We destroy. We pave and cut down. We spew into rivers/oceans and belch into skies.

Everything else keeps the circle alive and gives back--even the lowly fly and mosquito.

Gee, sound like a tree hugger, eh? Not. I grew up hunting and trapping. Killing deer is goood. Too many of them today as it is; they're like rats. Keeps Lyme's disease down from deer ticks. And damned good eatin', I might add.

Anyway, my point? The good books. Keeps us in line, esp. M-F troubles. Without rules, guidelines, we're a bunch of crazies in control of the asylum.

-Stigmata-

[landica]

So many good thoughts. So much to try and take in and respond to. I'll start with this, from Haphazard/Fran:

I would suggest as a start off point to read (on these boards) an article called Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself re your feelings about Sarah and Steve. It's really important to try and forgive because by doing so you will release yourself and learn to trust again.

I took your suggestion and read the article and, interestingly enough, it helped me understand that the person I can't forgive isn't Steve or even Sarah. It's me.

I don't (and even at the time, didn't) feel angry at Steve (after all, he never made any promises to me) and he and Sarah are a much better match than Steve and I ever were. But I can't forgive myself for hanging onto the relationship with Steve after I realized that he was never going to commit to me. And I can't forgive myself for being so stupid as to constantly tell him how wonderful/smart/beautiful Sarah was.

As for Sarah, I really felt at the time that I couldn't blame her either. I knew how much she wanted marriage and a child, and then she met Steve, who loved her and wanted to marry her. But I felt (and to some extent feel) angry at myself for revealing so much about my relationship with Steve and for trusting her so blindly.

Way back, when the whole Sarah/Steve thing was happening, everyone kept asking me "Landica, aren't you furious?" and call Sarah all kinds of names. I would tell them to stop and I'd say that, while it made me very unhappy, I couldn't really blame either one of them and that I could understand why they were doing what they were doing.

I know it sounds odd, but I truly wasn't angry with them and I could completely understand and sympathize with what they had done. In fact, in some way, I felt sorry for the guilt that I assumed they must be feeling. But I did feel very sad and angry with myself and even almost hated myself.

Oddly (or not so oddly), the same dynamic played out with H's OW. I didn't blame or feel any anger towards her (at least consciously) even when I found out she and H were together. Instead, I felt very sorry for her (almost like she was my child -- even though she was only about 5 years younger than me) and felt like she was the victim in the situation.

And then H dumped her, quite suddenly, saying that he realized that he really wanted to be with me. (At the time I had no interest in getting back together.) So OW called me, sobbing.

I met her for coffee and did my best to comfort her, telling her that she was young and beautiful and that, while it hurt now, she would move on and find someone much better than a guy who was willing to cheat on his wife. All the time I was saying this, I was being honest BUT I kinda hated myself for being so willing to forgive and try to help a woman who had done me immeasurable harm.

Anyway, my point (and I think I do have one here) is that I have to start to learn to forgive myself and to find ways not to turn what "should" be my anger at others inwards and not to internalize blame for situations that aren't really my fault.

Thanks, Fran, for pointing me in the direction of that article. I'll be back later to respond to some of the other comments.

thoughtfully, L.

[Corri]

Landica:

I've got major concerns for you, girlfriend. The dynamics going on in your life, in my opinion, have nothing to do with your xH and deciding whether or not this R is workable. I'm going to disagree with blackfoot here and say, whether he cares for you or not is NOT the issue.... whether he can change or is willing to change, or have sex ever again in his life is NOT the issue.

YOU are the issue... what is driving you, internally, is the issue.... and I think since you are unclear about what is 'driving' you, you are continuing to be confused by seemingly outside occurrences and using them as the reasons for the discontent in your life... reasons for the problems in your life.

You are extremely hard on yourself and leave little, if no room for yourself, to be human. You are beautiful, smart, successful in your career... have a great home, a son, a man who you consider to be 90% perfect... yet you feel like a great big failure. You know ALL of this, and I'm sure you are even perplexed by why you continue to feel like a failure. You keep looking for your answers, because no matter how with it and together and successful it all appears, you still feel unhappy and confused. So you figure if you are feeling this way, there must be a reason for it... so you keep looking... OUT THERE. You continue to look OUT THERE because all you find IN HERE is sadness and confusion.

Yet as I say this, I bet you feel like "the answer" to all this 'stuff' is always right there on the 'tip of your tongue.' Right there... but just out of reach... it'll flit through your brain every so often... you feel it zip through... then it clouds up again.

Am I in the ballpark here?

Corri

[honeypot]

L,
Do you think you have a problem processing and/or feeling anger?

There's nothing wrong with being angry. Sometimes it's even necessary.

[haphazard]

Hi Landica

I took your suggestion and read the article and, interestingly enough, it helped me understand that the person I can't forgive isn't Steve or even Sarah. It's me.

I got goosebumps reading this Landica. About half an hour after I finished my post to you, I was kind of mulling it over in my mind and I thought - she needs to forgive herself.

I can't quite put my finger on it but I have a strong affinity for you Landica. There is nothing in your posts where I can say - that's just like me - but there is something reading between the lines that resonates with me.

Corri said:

You are extremely hard on yourself and leave little, if no room for yourself, to be human. You are beautiful, smart, successful in your career... have a great home, a son, a man who you consider to be 90% perfect... yet you feel like a great big failure. You know ALL of this, and I'm sure you are even perplexed by why you continue to feel like a failure. You keep looking for your answers, because no matter how with it and together and successful it all appears, you still feel unhappy and confused. So you figure if you are feeling this way, there must be a reason for it... so you keep looking... OUT THERE. You continue to look OUT THERE because all you find IN HERE is sadness and confusion.

I urge you to read the book on Narcissism, as I said I found it very helpful. I feel that you have been brought up to believe certain qualities (such as intelligence for example) are what makes one lovable. But we are lovable for being human Landica and it is in getting in touch with the weak side and the human side that you will begin to truly feel (including feel anger).

take care

Fran

[Greeneyedlass]

Landica,

I'm so glad you came to this understanding. It is absolutely necessary to forgive yourself for the mistakes you make....but it is one of the most difficult things I believe I've ever had to learn to do.

It sounds so simple to forgive yourself, but it's not....but you can do this. Don't be at all surprised when this happens if you have a flood of emotions come over you...just go with them and work through them. You won't believe the weight that will be lifted.

Good luck with this!!!

GEL

[Stigmata]

Hi, Landica-

Glad you're getting such great input from these folks. I'm multi-tasking today. Valentine's Day coming so the busier/more distracted the better KWIM?

As the ladies like HP, Corri, LFL, HapH, GEL, Karen, Chrissy [sorry if I forgot anyone]are saying, you need to take inventory and start outlining concrete boundaries for yourself as to what you will NOT accept in terms of your ultimate happiness in your R. You might not be surprised to hear that you have become the martyr in your martyr-user R. Willing to give give give while expecting crumbs in return, along with backing down when your H lays down the law as to what he is willing to give back to you--which isn't much at this point IMO.

Forgive the utter dissection of your posts but it helps me try and understand where you are a little better.

First, the argument. Yes, your H pulled out the big hurtful guns and went overboard...but there are seeds of truth spilled out in every angry outburst. You just have to parse them out and winnow them from the angry chaff.

"H: Well, I guess we're just different. You like affection and I don't like affection. You like having people touching you and I don't like people touching
me. In fact, I'd be happy if no-one ever had any physical contact with me again."

Are you F'ing kidding me? Seriously. Ask yourself this. What would be your reaction if this man said this on a date with you the first month of your R back at 22? I'm betting there would be a dust trail behind you as you headed for the hills.

And I'm also betting this man liked more than "touching" you and you "touching" him back in those early days. Which is why this is total BS from him. And what M "genericizes" his own W to the status of "other people?" Dear, you are WAY more than "other people" IMO. He had better remember why he fell in love with you in the first place or this R will turn into the Titanic and another M will reap the benefits you have to offer--which I see are many BTW.

Also. This man is very very unhappy. Why? And I doubt it's you. he is not happy inside/happy with himself, judging from these and other comments. Almost self-hatred. The denying himself the basic human esential of ever physically touching another person ever again. jeez Louise, Mr. Drama Queen. A fundamentally content/happy with him/herself person will NEVER say something like this. Happy/content people radiate positivity and charisma and they touch others and others want to touch them.

Negative self-hating people on the other hand drive people away, as BF verbalized,via "their psychological stench."

It's akin to someone with cancer, and I've known my fair share unfortunately. The ones who withdraw, are angry, negative and black, always talking about the cancer, God's unfair, nobody understands how they feel usually end up alone because no one wants to be around them It's too painful not to mention psychologically based. All of us have enough of our own life crap/trauma to have to be reminded how someone else's is so much more horrible. Theirs reminds us of our negativity about ourselves and we want to run away.

On the other hand I've met people in same sitch who speak not a word of their suffering, are afectionate towards others, and basically somehow have learned to quash the "woe is me" sorry for myself vibe amazingly. They actually radiate charisma and positivity and everyone wants to be near them and return their afection.

An extreme example, admittedly, but get to the bottom of why your H is so unhappy with himself. Not enough info. Is it possible he is threatened by your career and success? I've known my share of academics who, despite being geniuses, can't get past the "those who can't do, teach" stigma; always feeling inferior to their peers with similar educational backgrounds yet who had gone into the high-paying private sector instead of lower paying academia.

And you pulling long hours while he is at home. Do you think that bothers him on some level? Not the typical traditional stereotypical M-F dynamic of F in apron/M holding briefcase--and we all know it shouldn't matter--but it still affects a lot of Ms internally and makes them feel inadequate/insecure.

Does he exercise and get out, as BF asked? This is vital. Physical activity and sunlight kill dark brain moods. Endorphins. Sitting around reading while internalizing unhappiness is a dangerous cocktail. If not, he should watch his diet, go for walks, swim, lift weights--something to get his blood flowing.

And this goes for you too BTW. Like you did way back when.

"L: I understand you feel that way, but is that how you really want to feel? Maybe you could change.

H: I don't want to change. I'm happy the way I am and if you don't like it, you can just get out."

- Ouch. I bet looking at your "change" comment now you can see his reaction coming a mile away. Hit full on his defensive hair trigger. He's right. Only he decides if he wants to change. And the irony, eh? "I'm happy the way I am." Uh, no, I respectfully disagree. No, you aren't.

"...and if you don't like it, you can just get out."

-- Posturing, as I'm sure you know. He knows you are unwilling to put up a boundary here and call him on it so he's walking all over it. He's pretty darn sure you would never ever actually leave on your own volition. If you did I'm guessing it would scare the hell out of him.

"...L: Well, if you feel that way, why did you want to get back together with me?

H: It was just for our son. If it weren't for him, I'd wish I'd never met you."

-- So what was the REAL reason he came back then? I'm guessing he said something entirely diferent the first time he asked you to take him back. I'm guessing he would rather spend the majority of his time with his W than merely cohabitate with her in order not to unwittingly "scar" his son.

And this "wish I never met you"? Whoa. Seed in his anger. Get to the bottom of this ASAP> No one says something like this without a big stinkin' pile of resentment attached. Use big time boundaries to drag it out of him if you have to.

If my x said this to me? You would hear brakes screeching etc. as everything ground to a halt. "What the hell did you just say to me? I am not leaving here until you tell me EXACTLY what you mean by this. You'd better sit down and tell me what's on your mind right now because you're not leaving until it's all out."

"...L: Well, you know, I'm not going to stay forever in a relationship with no affection and no sex.

H: Fine. Go out and find some other man. I'm sure you won't have any trouble. I just don't want to hear about it. Now, please stop whining (at this point
I was in tears) and leave me alone, because I need to read this article about the revisionist analysis of the signifier in post-modern structuralist art
criticism."

--Yeah, he shut himself down. The last word he heard from you was way back at "change." These comments are just his brain on autopilot. Next time pick a better time to confront him with the R talk maybe. Is he ever in a pleasant mood where he wouldn't feel threatened by a little open and honest discussion? As I think BF again mentioned, maybe incorporate his academic etc. or intellectual interests so he doesn't think it's all a bunch of yucky sticky R hooey.

Also. Another bluff: "go find another man." He is positive you won't call him on itt. Another boundary that doesn't exist for him to be thwacked with. And your tears [I'm giving you a big hug BTW] while completely understandable only reinforced to him that he scored a direct hit in that you are going to back down every time. A controlling person feeds on that kind of power trip.

Again, i highly doubt he means any of this hurtful behavior. He's very defensive, reactionary and takes off the kid gloves to wallop you due to his total self-loathing. A confident happy guy projects positivity and never ever ever would encourage his F to seek out other Ms. No f'ing way.

The only time he would would be when an F is purposely spiteful: "Gee, so and so is single now. Great guy. Maybe I should go after him since you can't seem to do anything right." Confident Happy M: "Okay. go ahead. I'm sure I won't have a problem finding another F if that's how you feel."

It's called an iron-walled boundary.

Now. Something you said. I'd like to compare your voluntary descriptions of 2 men in your life:

"...I am really really fond of H. I'm very attracted to him (he has gorgeous broad shoulders, long eyelashes and killer cheekbones). He's one of the smartest
people I've ever met and (trying not to brag here), one of the few who can keep up with me intellectually. And he's not totally hopeless on the romantic
front. In fact, he just e-mailed me one of Shakespeare's sonnets."

Two things. "I am really really fond of H." And "he is not totally hopeless on the romantic front."

I would have preferred to hear you say, "I love my H like I have for no other." In the second example, bit of a negative spin. Yes, he's hopeless, but not totally hopeless. Not quite a ringing endorsement but I know what your intent was with it. Not a big deal that can't be overcome.

Your other characterizations were of his intellect and a few physical attributes.

now. Let's compare the above voluntary description of H with your later description of "Steve."

"...but I fell in love, hard, fast and in a way I'd never experienced before, not
even with H. Steve and I dated for about 2 years. I adored Steve, loved his kids and wanted to marry him. Unfortunately, Steve wasn't interested in committment.
At least not with me.

I talked incessently about my relationship with Steve with all my female friends, how much fun he was, how sweet he was, how much I cared about him, how
great he was in bed.
I was especially candid with my best friend Sarah, since she was one of my few single friends and could understand what I was going through. Anyway, I'm
sure you see where this story's going."

-- Whoah. Now I am going to answer a question you later raised with your own words:


"...So, I certainly can't blame all of my empty feelings on H. And I don't really understand why I have so much trouble letting go and moving on from the Steve
and Sarah incident."

-- And the answer is? you have trouble letting go because these were 2 people in your life for whom you felt a very very strong emotional connection (ie, "like no other"); you had immense trust in both of them, judging from your willingness to share intimacies, and they both betrayed you in the absolute worst possible way...ever. You should give yourself a ton of credit, here Landica. You are a hell of a lot stronger than you may think. Forget about isolating yourself from friends today etc. I'm surprised this didn't send you off the deep end and straight into an isolated wordless monastery.

--And the solution? The following...

"...city with lots of ethnic restaurants. We (meaning me and H) spent a lot of time together, doing ordinary chores like grocery or furniture or antique shopping
or going on weekend trips to art galleries or nearby B&Bs. I had a challenging new job, working with some wonderful people. I was teaching myself to cook
and spent a lot of time entertaining and trying out new recipes and fun "theme" parties. I was in fantastic shape, mostly because I was a workout fanatic
(there was a brand-new gym in the basement of my office, which we were encouraged to use during lunch hour and after work) and often I worked out twice
a day. H used to pick me up at work every day and call me all sorts of sweet nicknames."

-- This Do as Often as Ye Do it.

Get back here. Square one. Engage your H with what got you both there in the first place. how did you interact? Future plans? goals? Dreams? Gotta go find those things that attracted you to each other in the first place. Dust them off and get back there.

And work out. both of you. You will look and feel better towards each other. And make friends. And start entertaining those friends...

"...Some of those things are similar now. I live in a (different) big city and have a beautiful house and a great job. But I hardly ever get to the gym. I don't
entertain all that much. I spend alot of time alone doing chores and very little time with my female friends (see explanation below)."

--See? You already know the anser. I knew you were a smartypants. Go find a girlfriend who is positive and who has unshakeable integrity and character. Hard to find these days in Ms, Fs, but they're out there.

Now, back to hubby. Lest we leave thinking ill thoughts of the man you love. Yes, love. It's okay to tell us you love him...unles you don't that is.

"...And just let me add that H was a real sweetheart these last couple of days. I was having a hard time with a work-related issue and he comforted me, actually
gave me a big hug
, told how much I meant to him and took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. So maybe it's not as totally hopeless as I made it seem?????"

--Tsk-tsk. Gotta watch it with me. I'm an perceptive kind of guy. Probably to a fault. Gotcha. Second use of "not totally hopeless." This is not Landica confidence or positivity. I know. you're still not convinced you've made the right decision to take him back and you have doubts about it on a daily basis.

Now, let's bring back "Steve" again...

"...how much fun he was, how sweet he was, how much I cared about him, how
great he was in bed."

This is what you want. This is how you want your H to be. These are your attractors as an F. You can't change him but maybe by changing yourself he will start becoming a "Steve" over the next weeks, months, years?

Your H is the epitome of dark clouds. you are the epitome of doubts, internalizing, punishing, not forgiving yourself when you should be kicking H's a$$ with solid boundaries against his TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE disrespectful behavior.

And your sardonic wit in this midst. "he actually gave me a hug." Well, dress me up and call me Shirley. A WHOLE HUG? Is this what you will settle for in terms of a victory? Where's the parade? Please don't take this sarcasm as insolence from me. I'm actually angry at the guy and feel for you. Did he kis you at least? Hugs are for buddies and acquaintances. He'd better watch it or he's gonna find OM to kis you if he doesn't get out of his selfish funk.

GAL, Landica, GAL. It's the only way. No, changing yourself won't always change the other person but it will do a hell of a lot to give you some much needed self-esteem. You have a truckload of attractive qualities, so don't let H's dark clouds obscure them from your own self-image. Stimulate your mind and your body. Eat better. Purge the toxins from your system. And this includes toxic behavior from H. He's being an a-hole to you and pulling out the guns? Don't cry. Let him have it right back. Boundaries are needed by all to protect our vulnerable parts and insecurities so others don't wantonly exploit them for their own purposes.

Positivity. PMA. So as you think, so shall you project. Your H's negativity is sucking the life out of you. Don't let it. Being happy with yourself despite what his own issues are will burn away his negativity and starve it every time. "Why the hell is she so together/happy? What's her deal? And why didn't she cry after I ripped her a new one like that?" it will eat away at him and drive him crazy in the good sort of way. The way that lures people out of their shell to see what all the buzzing and hub-bub is about when the figurative circus comes to town.

You were your own person before H and you are still the same. if he can't appreciate it, recognize it and deal with his own misery then your GALing will leave you with a clear mind, great body, and a positive, confident charisma that will attract many a dashing fella like ants to honey.

Excuse the lenght of this. Wasn't my intention. Helps me get out of my head.

Keep the faith. And, as Gandhi said, "Become the change you wish to see."

-Stigmata-