So many good thoughts. So much to try and take in and respond to. I'll start with this, from Haphazard/Fran:
Quote: I would suggest as a start off point to read (on these boards) an article called Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself re your feelings about Sarah and Steve. It's really important to try and forgive because by doing so you will release yourself and learn to trust again.
I took your suggestion and read the article and, interestingly enough, it helped me understand that the person I can't forgive isn't Steve or even Sarah. It's me.
I don't (and even at the time, didn't) feel angry at Steve (after all, he never made any promises to me) and he and Sarah are a much better match than Steve and I ever were. But I can't forgive myself for hanging onto the relationship with Steve after I realized that he was never going to commit to me. And I can't forgive myself for being so stupid as to constantly tell him how wonderful/smart/beautiful Sarah was.
As for Sarah, I really felt at the time that I couldn't blame her either. I knew how much she wanted marriage and a child, and then she met Steve, who loved her and wanted to marry her. But I felt (and to some extent feel) angry at myself for revealing so much about my relationship with Steve and for trusting her so blindly.
Way back, when the whole Sarah/Steve thing was happening, everyone kept asking me "Landica, aren't you furious?" and call Sarah all kinds of names. I would tell them to stop and I'd say that, while it made me very unhappy, I couldn't really blame either one of them and that I could understand why they were doing what they were doing.
I know it sounds odd, but I truly wasn't angry with them and I could completely understand and sympathize with what they had done. In fact, in some way, I felt sorry for the guilt that I assumed they must be feeling. But I did feel very sad and angry with myself and even almost hated myself.
Oddly (or not so oddly), the same dynamic played out with H's OW. I didn't blame or feel any anger towards her (at least consciously) even when I found out she and H were together. Instead, I felt very sorry for her (almost like she was my child -- even though she was only about 5 years younger than me) and felt like she was the victim in the situation.
And then H dumped her, quite suddenly, saying that he realized that he really wanted to be with me. (At the time I had no interest in getting back together.) So OW called me, sobbing.
I met her for coffee and did my best to comfort her, telling her that she was young and beautiful and that, while it hurt now, she would move on and find someone much better than a guy who was willing to cheat on his wife. All the time I was saying this, I was being honest BUT I kinda hated myself for being so willing to forgive and try to help a woman who had done me immeasurable harm.
Anyway, my point (and I think I do have one here) is that I have to start to learn to forgive myself and to find ways not to turn what "should" be my anger at others inwards and not to internalize blame for situations that aren't really my fault.
Thanks, Fran, for pointing me in the direction of that article. I'll be back later to respond to some of the other comments.
