I definitely second the idea (I think it was GEL's, but I could be wrong) that you should think about writing a book containing your insights.


first the majority of what I talk about are not 'my theories'.

The purported wisest man ever (who ironically was swayed from righteousness, by his many wives-- incrementalism and T I M E-- see below.) Solomon said 'There is nothing new under the sun' and 'to the making of many books there is no end.'
Ecclesiastes 1:9, 12:12

(Ill also wager that 'The purpose driven life' is just a restating with christian viewpoints Napolean Hills --Think and Grow Rich )

Im not a genius, or even novel. so you guys can stop with that stuff, my head/ego is big enough allready. Your just going to make it worse. Ill hold you responsible for it. hahahah hahahha ahhhh <whew>.

on that note ...

Some other Authors,
Dr. Frank Gunzberg
Dr. Susan Heitler
Dr. Richard Hunt

Other unwitting teachers
agents
"talent scouts" ....
very very succesfull salespeople
books on biochemistry/ kineseology
being a teacher/instructor in various extreme behavior modification activities


Its interesting how the mind rationalizies ideas and concepts. It comes up with explanations for why something cannot be, then will completely flip in the face of new irrefutable evidence. It happens to all of us. We deny something, then when we see it or are shown how, we go 'oh. OHHHHH'. Nothing changed just our mind explaining it backwards.
In the past when different cultures explained why it rained, why there where seasons, what the stars were... were they wrong? I think they just explained it with the words and knowledge they had at the time.

M/F dynamics have not changed. The bible and various other cultures were not wrong with what Should be. We have been wrong for decades with our 'enlightened equality' BS. my point....
The past couple years my vocab has changed radically twice in how I attempt to explain the same things I was doing/ seeing/showing my friends in my early 20's.
A persons -more specifically a mans (cause they are all I talk to about this IRL,)extensive education(being a braniac) actually makes it more difficult to try to explain. He needs more whys, more verbage, more specificity, then someone else who I just say 'Dude be a man'(act aggressive lead/ not supplicating) Dont take her sh!t, (boundary control/ not placating) 'Bust on her' (be humorous, and macho/ not self deprecating)

Also, I was just this week thinking about how I havent really had any concrete advice, actions or behavior changes and even less whys, that I offered to the HDW here. I told Lil never thought of it from that side before. Everytime I go to GEL's thread and post I end up deleting it. I think --well she is doing a great job, the right thing, its going to take T I M E, and she is being patient. So I delete it and think to myself Great job GEL. your doing awesome, I am so impressed, and learning from you. (Isnt she irritating? Even when she 'blows up' and gets all medusa on him, its the 'right thing'. <puking icon here>)

Isnt that helpful? .....LOL. HP has been working at this for quite a while too. Nops has given her great advice, that is just subtly different then what she was doing, but it makes all the difference. I learned the obvious myself. Again.

So listen to them, (not just those 2, other ladies here too )they know the drill. But since you asked..... ok, Ill bring my brutal honesty.

And just let me add that H was a real sweetheart these last couple of days.

Figure out what the dynamic was that caused this. Do what works.

And, to be fair, it was H (even though we were divorced and living apart) who pulled me through that horrible time, who took care of me, made sure I was getting enough to eat and told Sarah (since I just couldn't talk to her) what a horrible thing she had done to me and how little he now thought of her.

This is simultaneously the pot calling the kettle black ,by him, and an insight into your H. You needed him, he stepped up and 'took care of you'. This is a very strong desire/motivator for men --to be the rescuer. He does care for you.

His idea is that a good defense is a vicious offense and he says the absolute most hurtful, horrible things he can think of

WE need a clearer picture of your approach, and reaction to this action of his.

I reiterated to him today that if he didn't start meeting some of my needs he could leave immediately. He was fairly contrite and apologized for what he had said and said that, although it was very hard for him, that he was going to try to do better in terms of giving me affection and compliments. I'd personally like many more specifics on how he's going to "try."

Very good. Do not ---want specifics. Ask for them. Say I would like a hug and/or a kiss everyday before I leave and come home from work. Baby steps, Affirmations, WOA. Men get things in 2 ways. A 4X4 to the head, which is usually a temporary fix, or incremental painless changes that create new habitual activities. Karen said it was 30 days to a habit, true, but 90 days for them to 'stick' without conscious application. If you had to seek out H and give him a kiss everyday for 3 months, would it be worth it if you found he started seeking you out after that? Of course you couldnt drop the rope completely,aferwards, if it did work.

It's just that they have to be open to new things and new ways of thinking about things.
You H is an Academic? He does this then I assume. Figure out ways to have convos about m/f dynamics but bring it from a social viewpoint, or a historical one. use a discovery channel program or a national geograhic article. Not-- I want this and you should be this.

L: I understand you feel that way, but is that how you really want to feel? Maybe you could change

Do yourself a favor. Dont say this again. or this

L: Well, if you feel that way, why did you want to get back together with me?
You were offering him an opportunity to be nice, seeking a reassurance. Insecure, not attractive.

When you go on a date do you say I need you to do this and that for me to be happy? No. You are happy with who you are as a person allready, or you set up a pyshcological stench that drives the opposite sex away.

Some other things. You said your H stays at home? he doesnt get out. Not good. get him out. see if some activity with son will get him out and about.

HP said,
Quote:

As long as your self esteem is in the crapper, no one is going to look/act appealing to you. You 'get' what you radiate 'out', kwim?......The idea should be to enrich your life...to experience new things and new people. Not necessarily to find a new life partner but just to, well, live.
As you begin to heal from the abusive/controlling nature of this R, I would expect that more suitable mates will come into your life




Ta-Dum. That was great. (HP what have you been reading. Come-on share.) Kind of where I am currently. I am only interested in having a certain 'caliber' of friends, and people around me who are positive. There are a few negatives in my work that are not going anywhere, due to their skills, and I have tried various ways in the past to deal with their negativity. Except for asserting (boy is that a mild way of putting it) what I will and wont tolerate. Sometimes you have to go overboard, and then can ease back once a certain level of mutual respect and admiration?... acceptance at any rate has been established.

I ultimately respond to the barrage by saying something like "I refuse to be around someone who talks to me like that" and leave the room or the car or the house. Which, in essence, means his strategy works

This has to be changed. Its threating to him, invokes his abandonment, love avoider issues, brings up his walls.
change it to what though? mmmmm...... thinking..... what would a 180 be. What would a confidant person do.... what would defuse the situation, yet set boundaries at the same time.

Give us some of your ideas, smarty pants Lawyer. Ill hold back on mine for now.

lastly
but he hates any discussion about "the relationship," so I basically don't have any deep discussions with him
I dont know how else to put it. He has to be broken of this. Something that will require him to come to the table and talk about the R, as yuckky as doing that is. Put it on the back burner for now though IMO.
You can have deep conversations about other topics, even related topics that are not adversarially you vs. him.

lastly
GAL. hit the gym again. develop some friendships. have some fun. its infectious.