I wish I can explain to you how much I appeciate the sympathy. (Funny how understanding and empathy, even from anonymous strangers on a bulletin board really does make you feel better)
Yeah, but (you knew this was coming), "fun" is about all I'll be having on this date. I like this guy and he likes me. He's very romantic, brings me flowers, books of poetry (he's even written a few poems about me!)and gave me a beautiful set of earrings to commemorate the first time we ML. In general, he's a lot of fun to be with and to talk to. He's also very, uh, inventive.
But he is a definite commitmentphobe, late 40s, never married. And I think that part of the reason that he likes being with me is that, given my strong emotional attachment to H, there's really no danger that I'm going to be pushing for anything more.
So, while I can enjoy my time with him, I'd really be looking for something more committed if I kicked H to the curb.
Although I don't really care so much about looks (when I'm with a guy I tend to focus on a few physical features that I find really attractive: cleft chin, long fingers, soft hair. I pretty much ignore the not-so-appealing features. So, while no-one (who didn't need extremely strong prescription glasses) would say that H is conventionally good looking, I find him really appealling. So most of the guys (including H) that I've dated have been average to below average looking objectively, but really attractive to me.
Money/success is a little more complicated. I have a good, well-paying job, and while I'm not interested in someone who just wants to sleep around the house all day, as long as they have a job of some kind, that's fine.
Intelligence, however, is pretty much non-negotiable. Of course, there are all kinds of intelligence. For example, I did pretty well in school, but, obviously, I'm a complete dummy when it comes to relationships (unlike, for example, many of the people on this board . What I mean is that I need someone I can really talk to about ideas and thoughts and theories]. It's not that the person has to have some fancy education. It's just that they have to be open to new things and new ways of thinking about things.
What you are absolutely right about is that, to some extent, I feel like a failure in the eyes of the world because I'm divorced. Getting back together with H makes me feel better about myself on that level, so I'm (obviously) willing to put up with a lot more than I should to maintain the relationship.
Landica, I read the convo between you and your xh. Is that the way he normally speaks to you or was he unspeakably angry?
I found it to be extremely disrespectful and downright hateful. (If it weren't for our son, I wish I'd never met you, for example)
I can't fathom wanting someone like that in my life. Has he treated you this way for most of your relationship? Can you envision the leap your self esteem would take if you would remove his daily presence from your life?
I guess I'm thinking of it this way: As long as your self esteem is in the crapper, no one is going to look/act appealing to you. You 'get' what you radiate 'out', kwim?
So you unconsciously keep yourself stuck with your xh because you don't think there's anything better and he's done a bangup job of convincing you of the same.
I think the GAL portion of Michele WD's books applies to you particularly. The idea should be to enrich your life...to experience new things and new people. Not necessarily to find a new life partner but just to, well, live. As you begin to heal from the abusive/controlling nature of this R, I would expect that more suitable mates will come into your life.
My error, I remember you saying you weren't married...I merely forgot that detail. My point to you still stands regardless though. Tell him to leave.
You are weighing the benefits of a possible future R with someone else, that sure will have a set of problems unique to it....against continuing on living with a man who has already told you he's only there for your child, that he has no interest in having a loving/intimate R with YOU. He's telling you straight up....that you won't have what you want.
True, any other R will have it's own set of of problems...all do. But would you choose to stay in an R where you are guaranteed you won't be getting what YOU need over getting back out there and having a very real possibility of being able to find a fulfilling R? That doesn't make sense to me.
Quote: I read the convo between you and your xh. Is that the way he normally speaks to you or was he unspeakably angry?
I found it to be extremely disrespectful and downright hateful.
He certainly doesn't usually talk to me this way. I've figured out that this is a strategy that H uses whenever I ask him to meet some of my needs or tell him that I'm unhappy with something he's doing. His idea is that a good defense is a vicious offense and he says the absolute most hurtful, horrible things he can think of (I didn't even include some of the worst ones).
Basically, I ultimately respond to the barrage by saying something like "I refuse to be around someone who talks to me like that" and leave the room or the car or the house. Which, in essence, means his strategy works, since he doesn't have to respond to my concerns and I'm usually so upset that I don't bring them up again for several weeks/months.
This time, however, I reiterated to him today that if he didn't start meeting some of my needs he could leave immediately. He was fairly contrite and apologized for what he had said and said that, although it was very hard for him, that he was going to try to do better in terms of giving me affection and compliments. I'd personally like many more specifics on how he's going to "try." But, at least it's something....
Quote: So you unconsciously keep yourself stuck with your xh
Absolutely right. So, it only took you, what, 6 or 7 posts to figure out what years of therapy failed to make me understand.
How horrible. If your H wasn't in a wildly angry mode and was just expressing his actual feelings then there really is nothing to discuss. Intellectual compatibility, sharing a child and even history together are NOT going to ameliorate that kind of disrespect and complete lack of caring. Lanica - describe yourself when you felt the best and most accomplished ever in your life. What was going on in your life at that time? Can you have any semblance of that while living with H? What about without him?
Take care of yourself. Get a facial, hair done, go shopping. Hang out with some girlfriends who make you feel good. I don't know that going on the date is going to anything but give you a temporary emotional up followed by a huge emotional down when you return home to the situation you are in.
This is going to be a long post. So prepare yourself.
Quote: Landica - describe yourself when you felt the best and most accomplished ever in your life. What was going on in your life at that time?
Good question. I guess it was right after I graduated from school and was newly married. We were living downtown in a beautiful, modern townhouse in a big city with lots of ethnic restaurants. We (meaning me and H) spent a lot of time together, doing ordinary chores like grocery or furniture or antique shopping or going on weekend trips to art galleries or nearby B&Bs. I had a challenging new job, working with some wonderful people. I was teaching myself to cook and spent a lot of time entertaining and trying out new recipes and fun "theme" parties. I was in fantastic shape, mostly because I was a workout fanatic (there was a brand-new gym in the basement of my office, which we were encouraged to use during lunch hour and after work) and often I worked out twice a day. H used to pick me up at work every day and call me all sorts of sweet nicknames.
Some of those things are similar now. I live in a (different) big city and have a beautiful house and a great job. But I hardly ever get to the gym. I don't entertain all that much. I spend alot of time alone doing chores and very little time with my female friends (see explanation below).
Quote: Take care of yourself. Get a facial, hair done, go shopping. Hang out with some girlfriends who make you feel good.
You know, here you've hit on something that I haven't said so far, but that feels central to my unhappiness (and has nothing whatsoever to do with H). I don't have any problem (in fact I love) getting my hair cut and highlighted, going for massages, getting mani/pedicures or buying books or clothes or jewelry just to treat myself.
But I feel very lonely a lot of the time. And I can't blame H for that. I used to have many female friends, who'd I'd hang out with, confide in, do stuff with or just chat with. BUT.... a few years ago something happened that changed all that.
Immediately after H and I split up, I met a guy (call him Steve) who was in the same situation as me. Steve's wife had just left him for someone else and we hit it off immediately. I know now it was a stupid rebound relationship, but I fell in love, hard, fast and in a way I'd never experienced before, not even with H. Steve and I dated for about 2 years. I adored Steve, loved his kids and wanted to marry him. Unfortunately, Steve wasn't interested in committment. At least not with me.
I talked incessently about my relationship with Steve with all my female friends, how much fun he was, how sweet he was, how much I cared about him, how great he was in bed. I was especially candid with my best friend Sarah, since she was one of my few single friends and could understand what I was going through. Anyway, I'm sure you see where this story's going.
Eventually (Steve, to his credit, told me) I found out that Steve and Sarah were seeing each other behind my back. At one stroke, I lost the two people I was closest to. I never spoke to Sarah again, but I did talk to Steve a couple of months afterwards, and he claimed he saw nothing wrong with what they did. Oh, and Steve and Sarah are now happily married and have a beautiful little girl.
I went into a deep depression. It hurt more than anything I had ever experienced in my life. It was even worse then finding out my husband was cheating on me. And it made me feel incredibly stupid for having trusted Sarah with all that intimate information. And it made me not want to have anything to do with any of my other female friends. In fact, for a long time, I cringed whenever I heard the word "friend."
My friends would call me, asking why they hadn't heard from me or if I wanted to go out. I would always say I was too busy. Basically, I felt that if Sarah (who I had known for over 10 years) and trusted completely, could do this to me, I really didn't need so-called "friends" I've tried to get over that attitude, which I know is not realistic and is counterproductive, but it's definitely still there and I'm reluctant to let anyone get too close to me.
And, to be fair, it was H (even though we were divorced and living apart) who pulled me through that horrible time, who took care of me, made sure I was getting enough to eat and told Sarah (since I just couldn't talk to her) what a horrible thing she had done to me and how little he now thought of her.
So, I certainly can't blame all of my empty feelings on H. And I don't really understand why I have so much trouble letting go and moving on from the Steve and Sarah incident.
Any insights?
L. (who feels like she has just completely spilled her guts)
So, it seems like the general consensus, based on the info I've provided (and I've tried to be as accurate as possible, but, obviously, we all have our own ways of looking at things), is that I should tell H not to let the door hit him on the way out?
And just let me add that H was a real sweetheart these last couple of days. I was having a hard time with a work-related issue and he comforted me, actually gave me a big hug , told how much I meant to him and took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. So maybe it's not as totally hopeless as I made it seem?????
And ::yelling:: BLACKFOOT if you're reading this, I would really really appreciate your insights and any specific suggestions that you might have, since you seem to usually have advice that really resonates with me.
when it comes to relationships (unlike, for example, many of the people on this board . What I mean is that I need someone I can really talk to about ideas and thoughts and theories]. It's not that the person has to have some fancy education. It's just that they have to be open to new things and new ways of thinking about things. 
And I can't blame H for that. I used to have many female friends, who'd I'd hang out with, confide in, do stuff with or just chat with. BUT.... a few years ago something happened that changed all that.
, told how much I meant to him and took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. So maybe it's not as totally hopeless as I made it seem?????