Karen:

This is going to be a long post. So prepare yourself.

Quote:

Landica - describe yourself when you felt the best and most accomplished ever in your life. What was going on in your life at that time?



Good question. I guess it was right after I graduated from school and was newly married. We were living downtown in a beautiful, modern townhouse in a big city with lots of ethnic restaurants. We (meaning me and H) spent a lot of time together, doing ordinary chores like grocery or furniture or antique shopping or going on weekend trips to art galleries or nearby B&Bs. I had a challenging new job, working with some wonderful people. I was teaching myself to cook and spent a lot of time entertaining and trying out new recipes and fun "theme" parties. I was in fantastic shape, mostly because I was a workout fanatic (there was a brand-new gym in the basement of my office, which we were encouraged to use during lunch hour and after work) and often I worked out twice a day. H used to pick me up at work every day and call me all sorts of sweet nicknames.

Some of those things are similar now. I live in a (different) big city and have a beautiful house and a great job. But I hardly ever get to the gym. I don't entertain all that much. I spend alot of time alone doing chores and very little time with my female friends (see explanation below).

Quote:

Take care of yourself. Get a facial, hair done, go shopping. Hang out with some girlfriends who make you feel good.



You know, here you've hit on something that I haven't said so far, but that feels central to my unhappiness (and has nothing whatsoever to do with H). I don't have any problem (in fact I love) getting my hair cut and highlighted, going for massages, getting mani/pedicures or buying books or clothes or jewelry just to treat myself.

But I feel very lonely a lot of the time. And I can't blame H for that. I used to have many female friends, who'd I'd hang out with, confide in, do stuff with or just chat with. BUT.... a few years ago something happened that changed all that.

Immediately after H and I split up, I met a guy (call him Steve) who was in the same situation as me. Steve's wife had just left him for someone else and we hit it off immediately. I know now it was a stupid rebound relationship, but I fell in love, hard, fast and in a way I'd never experienced before, not even with H. Steve and I dated for about 2 years. I adored Steve, loved his kids and wanted to marry him. Unfortunately, Steve wasn't interested in committment. At least not with me.

I talked incessently about my relationship with Steve with all my female friends, how much fun he was, how sweet he was, how much I cared about him, how great he was in bed.
I was especially candid with my best friend Sarah, since she was one of my few single friends and could understand what I was going through. Anyway, I'm sure you see where this story's going.

Eventually (Steve, to his credit, told me) I found out that Steve and Sarah were seeing each other behind my back. At one stroke, I lost the two people I was closest to. I never spoke to Sarah again, but I did talk to Steve a couple of months afterwards, and he claimed he saw nothing wrong with what they did. Oh, and Steve and Sarah are now happily married and have a beautiful little girl.

I went into a deep depression. It hurt more than anything I had ever experienced in my life. It was even worse then finding out my husband was cheating on me. And it made me feel incredibly stupid for having trusted Sarah with all that intimate information. And it made me not want to have anything to do with any of my other female friends. In fact, for a long time, I cringed whenever I heard the word "friend."

My friends would call me, asking why they hadn't heard from me or if I wanted to go out. I would always say I was too busy. Basically, I felt that if Sarah (who I had known for over 10 years) and trusted completely, could do this to me, I really didn't need so-called "friends" I've tried to get over that attitude, which I know is not realistic and is counterproductive, but it's definitely still there and I'm reluctant to let anyone get too close to me.

And, to be fair, it was H (even though we were divorced and living apart) who pulled me through that horrible time, who took care of me, made sure I was getting enough to eat and told Sarah (since I just couldn't talk to her) what a horrible thing she had done to me and how little he now thought of her.

So, I certainly can't blame all of my empty feelings on H. And I don't really understand why I have so much trouble letting go and moving on from the Steve and Sarah incident.

Any insights?

L. (who feels like she has just completely spilled her guts)