Blackfoot:

Just let me say first that I've been an avid lurker/reader of your advice and analysis of male/female dynamics and I am completely impressed with your ability to explain things. I definitely second the idea (I think it was GEL's, but I could be wrong) that you should think about writing a book containing your insights.

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You are exactly correct about the EC you had with him during your seperation. No OM will have a chance untill you make a choice to remove him from your life.



Right again. And this is part of what makes me reluctant to leave, since I hate the idea of no longer having him in my life.

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Has he ever been married before?



Nope. We've been together since we were 22.

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His abuse has firmly attached some serious negatives emotions/memories to the powerful triggers of IC and climax. Only he can fix it with conscious choice.
If its not a deal breaker for you, as you have shown that it is not, with your actions the past ? years, why should he? He wont.



I hadn't really thought about it this way -- negative emotions tied to sex based on the abuse. It make sense. But I wonder why it doesn't seem to affect his use of porn.

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Never the less there are some different ways you can go about changing your style of interaction that may encourage him to make it a choice.



Okay. Here's where I desparately need your help. Please, please give me more specifics on this. What can I do differently? At this point, I'm willing to try almost anything.

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Even if the sex frequecy stays low, the habits of affection can be learned.



This really resonates with me too. Although, in an ideal world, I'd prefer to have sex, say 4x week (with occasional sexual marathons on weekends/vacations ), I doubt this will ever happen. But if I could get physical affection on a daily or almost-daily basis I would be much, much happier. Is it a boundary or a want? I guess I'm not entirely sure, but I'd at least like to act as if it's a boundary and see where that takes me.

L