I have a feeling you are aware of the concept of boundary control
He will not step up untill this IS a boundary of yours. Exactly how far you will have to go with your proving this is a boundary is unknown.
You are exactly correct about the EC you had with him during your seperation. No OM will have a chance untill you make a choice to remove him from your life.
Has he ever been married before? His abuse has firmly attached some serious negatives emotions/memories to the powerful triggers of IC and climax. Only he can fix it with conscious choice. If its not a deal breaker for you, as you have shown that it is not, with your actions the past ? years, why should he? He wont.
Never the less there are some different ways you can go about changing your style of interaction that may encourage him to make it a choice.
It starts with you. Is this a boundary... or is it a want? Even if the sex frequecy stays low, the habits of affection can be learned.
