Should the OM ever be approached?

[grasshopper]

I feel the same way a lot of the time. Not knowing too much at all about my W's OM, I really have to wonder if he knows what her situation is. In my mind, I can differentiate between someone who would get involved with a woman who is separated from her husband and ready to divorce and someone who would knowingly get involved with a woman who is still living at home, with her husband and two young kids.
I wonder IF he is something other than a monster, whether he would be swayed by the truth.
In any event, it would not change my W's feelings about him, or me and would serve to give her more ammo that I am controlling and will never change.

TMU

[NYsurvivor]

In my mind, I can differentiate between someone who would get involved with a woman who is separated from her husband and ready to divorce and someone who would knowingly get involved with a woman who is still living at home, with her husband and two young kids. I wonder IF he is something other than a monster, whether he would be swayed by the truth.

Chances are he's not a monster, just some guy. And if he has eyes and a brain, sooner or later, if he hasn't so been told, he'd figure out that she's still got a husband living at home.

I think too there's at least a third type of guy, one who would be with a married woman who's still living at home, believing that she's not happy, is seeking to get out, who's husband makes her miserable, who's H isn't the right guy for her, and who feels that he's her white knight, which makes it all OK to be with her.

In any event, it would not change my W's feelings about him, or me and would serve to give her more ammo that I am controlling and will never change.

That could very well be. You could also be looked at as the guy who's trying to do things to rob her of her "happiness" and is only interested in doing such things to get her to fold and come back to the relationship he "selfishly" desires, not her.

[Mike_B]

Wow. Such great replies! I sense totallymessedup and me are in very similar boats. (Well, the rest of you, too.)

[DonS]

Mike,
How are you today? Any updates to share on your sitch?

The friends you'll 'talk' with here are great with good advise. Post as often as you like to help get thoughts and feelings out and let us know how you're doing.

[Mike_B]

I'm eight months into our separation, a couple months till the divorce. Basically, my story is I handle anger by venting, my wife handles it by stuffing. We had little conflict in our marriage because she wouldn't stand up for herself. But I wasn't aware of the dynamic. Add to that, we weren't taking time out for each other. Add to that, I was taking her for granted.

So she was unhappy for a few years at least, and then she met a guy who gave her attention, and she read some very negative books on verbal abuse, and she put them together and decided she needed to leave me.

It's been a rough road. For the first five months, I don't think a week went by where I didn't feel suicidal. (I'm on two anti-depresses, too.) Even now, I still struggle with that at times. This has just been a very unexpected nightmare. It's one thing to find out your wife is unhappy. We could have gotten help. It's another when she says she's leaving and has no desire to reconcile.

Today's our eighth wedding anniversary. I asked my wife out to dinner; she declined. But she did say it was sweet that I asked.

About the best news I've heard since this all blew up I received yesterday. W told me she's going to look into therapy for herself, which she has never had, and has always refused to have. We've known each other almost nine years, and it was only last September that she revealed to me that she had been repeatedly sexually molested as a child. So her story, I think, is a mixture of WAW, mid-life crisis, seven year itch, housewife "cabin fever," coming from a broken family, having parents that didn't convey love to her, and unhealed victimization issues. Oh, add to that, my failure to nurture her as I should have.

The odd (possibly good) thing is that she still wants to be good friends with me. She says it's for the kids, but she'll talk to me about her day and stuff, like we did when we were together. I've feared I'm giving her the best of both worlds by offering my friendship without a commitment. And it may be true. But I guess if things are ever going to rekindle, being in close contact will be necessary.

Here's the anniversary note I e-mailed to her today:


January 24, 2006

Dear [her name],

Today is our birthday – the day God made us one.

But I know today is not a day you'll be celebrating. It underlines what a failure I've been as a husband. At Maurice's wedding this weekend, when he was leaving with his wife, she was wearing her wedding dress, and it brought back vivid memories of you and me eating at [the restaurant] on our wedding night. I was so excited. I couldn't have been more thrilled to be marrying you, the most beautiful woman and best friend I could ever hope for. And I still feel you are someone to be trilled about. Shamefully, somewhere along the line I lost sight of that. The past eight months have really brought that back into focus. It is my prayer that this season of our lives will allow us to grow as individuals, and that one day I can start a new marriage with you, my only bride, and love you unconditionally, sacrificially and with abandon. [Her name], you have always been a treasure, and you are not someone I could ever replace, nor would ever want to replace. My wedding ring is still on my finger because I am still there for you. I love you more than words can convey. I pray that our anniversary may one day become special again.

Mike

[DonS]

Mike,
Great letter/prayer to your W. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. I emphathize with your pain, hurt and saddness. I'm so right there with you. Your sitch sounds very similar to mine especially how you blame yourself for the failed R. Your W's issues also sound uncanny similar to my WAW. While WAW hasn't had multiple A's, her one with OM/BIL (my sister's husband) is bad enough.
My Story

I thought there was no hope before today since she left 3 months ago, but after today's big D bomb there's absolutely no hope. So its time for me to keep preparing to move on with my life.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Stick with DBing for no other reason than to get your life back on track and feel better about yourself.

[March4th]

Mike B,
You've gotten lots of sensible advice here already on this question, but I'll share my experience. It's been 9 months since I found out about the A, and have been separated for 8 months.
Previous to discovering this board and Michele's books, I did contact ow. The first time was 2 weeks after I knew. H had said he no longer saw her and was committed to reconciling our M. However, his actions and habits showed me he lied. So I went to H's local bar where there he was with ow. I approached her, introduced myself and proceeded to tell her that H was lying to her and that he had no intention of leaving me and that we were working out our problems. She was floored and said he had been telling her since they met that although we continued to live together, we had severed our R the previous year. She apologized and said she was mortified and would never have gotten involved with him if she'd known. She left the bar reeling. I was pleased with myself, thinking what woman would continue this r now knowing the reality. Well, that was the first of many nights that H didn't come home. So my confrontation only made things worse.
Did I learn a lesson yet? No. A month later, H told me ow broke up with him and he thought I'd be happy to know that. Of course I was. We were in mc at the time and this was the best news. I HAD to call ow. I thanked her for stepping out of the picture and showing more integrity than I'd given her credit for. I told her we were in mc and she told me, "don't worry - I'm so done with him. Good luck in your M. I believe in therapy and hope you resolve your r problems." Within minutes H called freaking out that I'd called ow. Turns out she hadn't actually broken up with him and now he was furious with me. The next day he packed a bag and left our home. So I can say that although every sitch is different, the contact I had with ow only drove H away.
She chooses to believe him and he responds by wanting to protect her.
Based on my experience - don't do it.

[Carbs]

After my H moved in with the OW and started having my two young sons (7 & 4) stay with him every other weekend, I figured I had every right to know who my kids were spending time with.

I was driving by the OW's place of work and went in. She was/is a gm of a retail store. When she walked by me, I said "Excuse me are you the manager?" She extended her hand with a huge smile and introduced herself and asked if I needed help. I took her hand, shook it and calmly said "Nice to meet you. I am Dave's wife. I hope you are having fun with him" She jeked her hand away, dropped a huge pile of papers on the floor and crouched down, scrambling on the floor to pick them up. I calmly turned around and walked out. No confrontation. No yelling or pleading. I just wanted her to have an attractive, calm, intelligent woman's face in her mind when I was mentioned by my H.

And to see her scrambling on the floor on her hands and knees gave me so much satisfaction. As did seeing why my husband went from me to her...He was definitely the "prettier" one in THAT relationship.

[hopefloats7]

I was driving by the OW's place of work and went in. She was/is a gm of a retail store. When she walked by me, I said "Excuse me are you the manager?" She extended her hand with a huge smile and introduced herself and asked if I needed help. I took her hand, shook it and calmly said "Nice to meet you. I am Dave's wife. I hope you are having fun with him" She jeked her hand away, dropped a huge pile of papers on the floor and crouched down, scrambling on the floor to pick them up. I calmly turned around and walked out. No confrontation. No yelling or pleading. I just wanted her to have an attractive, calm, intelligent woman's face in her mind when I was mentioned by my H.

This is priceless!!