Mike B, You've gotten lots of sensible advice here already on this question, but I'll share my experience. It's been 9 months since I found out about the A, and have been separated for 8 months. Previous to discovering this board and Michele's books, I did contact ow. The first time was 2 weeks after I knew. H had said he no longer saw her and was committed to reconciling our M. However, his actions and habits showed me he lied. So I went to H's local bar where there he was with ow. I approached her, introduced myself and proceeded to tell her that H was lying to her and that he had no intention of leaving me and that we were working out our problems. She was floored and said he had been telling her since they met that although we continued to live together, we had severed our R the previous year. She apologized and said she was mortified and would never have gotten involved with him if she'd known. She left the bar reeling. I was pleased with myself, thinking what woman would continue this r now knowing the reality. Well, that was the first of many nights that H didn't come home. So my confrontation only made things worse. Did I learn a lesson yet? No. A month later, H told me ow broke up with him and he thought I'd be happy to know that. Of course I was. We were in mc at the time and this was the best news. I HAD to call ow. I thanked her for stepping out of the picture and showing more integrity than I'd given her credit for. I told her we were in mc and she told me, "don't worry - I'm so done with him. Good luck in your M. I believe in therapy and hope you resolve your r problems." Within minutes H called freaking out that I'd called ow. Turns out she hadn't actually broken up with him and now he was furious with me. The next day he packed a bag and left our home. So I can say that although every sitch is different, the contact I had with ow only drove H away. She chooses to believe him and he responds by wanting to protect her. Based on my experience - don't do it.
