Should the OM ever be approached?

[Mike_B]

I'm eight months into our separation, a couple months till the divorce. Basically, my story is I handle anger by venting, my wife handles it by stuffing. We had little conflict in our marriage because she wouldn't stand up for herself. But I wasn't aware of the dynamic. Add to that, we weren't taking time out for each other. Add to that, I was taking her for granted.

So she was unhappy for a few years at least, and then she met a guy who gave her attention, and she read some very negative books on verbal abuse, and she put them together and decided she needed to leave me.

It's been a rough road. For the first five months, I don't think a week went by where I didn't feel suicidal. (I'm on two anti-depresses, too.) Even now, I still struggle with that at times. This has just been a very unexpected nightmare. It's one thing to find out your wife is unhappy. We could have gotten help. It's another when she says she's leaving and has no desire to reconcile.

Today's our eighth wedding anniversary. I asked my wife out to dinner; she declined. But she did say it was sweet that I asked.

About the best news I've heard since this all blew up I received yesterday. W told me she's going to look into therapy for herself, which she has never had, and has always refused to have. We've known each other almost nine years, and it was only last September that she revealed to me that she had been repeatedly sexually molested as a child. So her story, I think, is a mixture of WAW, mid-life crisis, seven year itch, housewife "cabin fever," coming from a broken family, having parents that didn't convey love to her, and unhealed victimization issues. Oh, add to that, my failure to nurture her as I should have.

The odd (possibly good) thing is that she still wants to be good friends with me. She says it's for the kids, but she'll talk to me about her day and stuff, like we did when we were together. I've feared I'm giving her the best of both worlds by offering my friendship without a commitment. And it may be true. But I guess if things are ever going to rekindle, being in close contact will be necessary.

Here's the anniversary note I e-mailed to her today:


January 24, 2006

Dear [her name],

Today is our birthday – the day God made us one.

But I know today is not a day you'll be celebrating. It underlines what a failure I've been as a husband. At Maurice's wedding this weekend, when he was leaving with his wife, she was wearing her wedding dress, and it brought back vivid memories of you and me eating at [the restaurant] on our wedding night. I was so excited. I couldn't have been more thrilled to be marrying you, the most beautiful woman and best friend I could ever hope for. And I still feel you are someone to be trilled about. Shamefully, somewhere along the line I lost sight of that. The past eight months have really brought that back into focus. It is my prayer that this season of our lives will allow us to grow as individuals, and that one day I can start a new marriage with you, my only bride, and love you unconditionally, sacrificially and with abandon. [Her name], you have always been a treasure, and you are not someone I could ever replace, nor would ever want to replace. My wedding ring is still on my finger because I am still there for you. I love you more than words can convey. I pray that our anniversary may one day become special again.

Mike