Should the OM ever be approached?

[Mike_B]

I'm new here, and I haven't read all of Michele's books, although I have read parts of REMEDY and BUSTING.

Is it ever advisable to approach the other man?

I have considered writing a friendly letter to my wife's "boyfriend" to share with him my desire to reconcile with my wife.

Our situation is a classic walk away wife. My wife and me are 41, her lover, 52. We have been married for seven years and have three young children. My wife's affair, which I just found about about, began 9+ months ago; we have been separated for 8.

When my wife left me, she accused me of being controlling and emotionally abusive. I wasn’t convinced the shoe entirely fit, but if it fit at all, I had no desire for it to. So I got myself into individual counseling as well as group counseling related to abuse. I've been taking my wife's stated concerns seriously. But she says she doesn't really care, which I now suspect has a lot to do with her involvement with the OM.

The reason I have thought about sending the guy a letter is, if I were in his shoes (which is hard to imagine), if my lover's husband were really sincere in his desire to reconcile with his wife and own up to his role in his marriage's disintegration, I would want to know that. I would probably discuss it with her and encouraged her to consider giving reconciliation a chance. This, of course, assumes he has a functioning conscience, as I do, but who knows. And it's likely my wife will, at least initially, feel violated -- that I am meddling in her "private life" and attempting to harm her relationship.

I just feel like, since I vowed to allow nothing but death separate my wife and me, would it not be good and right for me to take a stand for our marriage to a guy that has chosen to participate in enticing my wife away? I wouldn't make any demands. Basically, I want to make sure he understands that my wife has a husband and kids who love her, are committed to her, and want her back. I want him to get the impression that I’m not a jerk, and that I have every desire to make my wife fulfilled in her marriage. Then the ball is in his court as to what he wants to do with the information.

I had one female friend of ours, when I ran this idea past her, say that she thought fighting for my marriage in such a way might possilby make a good impression on my wife.

Any thoughts?

[ford]

I tried a nice letter, a nice phone call. neither worked. Pukes who get involved with married people are almost always self-centered, selfish piles of Dog crap. only thing that got his attention was a face to face.

I Know now that I'd never try the nice approach again. of course I hope I never need to. LOL - Good Luck!

[StrongNSassy]

Sorry to find you here under these circumstances. You will find yourself at home here with a wonderful group of good people. You may want to look through Tim and FrankDs threads...they have some great insight into situations very much like yours, not to mention all the excellent advice they have received from other people on here.

Generally if you do a search, you'll find that your question is actually a very common one...you'll also find that if you do confront the other person, rarely has it ever worked, you're giving them more power than they deserve. This is always about you and your WAS, never about the op. The op is as some say here a bandaid to the underlying issue. You are already leaps ahead by realizing your part in the demise of your M. This is where you should be concentrating your efforts...again I strongly suggest reading Franks threads, as well as Tims.

As far as the op is concerned they have been fed a great deal of information generally by the WAS. It is the WAS truth, their side. At this point in time, your WAW has left the marriage, it is no longer attractive to her. The om also now believes perhaps that your M is over because she has left you. It would be very rare for the op to actually say ooops what am I doing here, why am I getting involved, I wouldn't want this to happen to me. I know, I confronted the ow very early in the breakup and trust me all she did was run back to him and she fed him full of lies and mistruths regarding what I said, yet her very words to me were "I can feel your pain, my H left me for another woman, I'll send him home." Well that was almost 7mos ago...no signs of him coming home yet...and well now I no longer want him...so it's all good.

This is your new journey my friend. Do read these books all the way through. There are many other excellent books to that we can suggest. Continue with your therapy. GAL (Get A Life) and focus on you and not what they are doing. This does not mean your M is over, but your previous M is over. This is a new road a new journey...to prepare yourself for the possibility of the return of your WAS or for any future Rs that you may have.

Best wishes...and post all the time. A big suggestion, vent here, don't vent your frustration on your WAS.

[Mike_B]

only thing that got his attention was a face to face.

What happened with that?


StrongNSassy, thank you for your wise thoughts. Knowing it's about me and not him makes me feel a little more empowered.

I'm very glad I found this place. I wish I had 8 months ago. It's discouraging when well-meaning friends and family want me to give up. This isn't like being dumped by a girlfriend. Losing your spouse is like losing two thirds of your life. And I don't want my kids growing up in a broken home.

[NYsurvivor]

Is it ever advisable to approach the other man?

There are others who have posted their experience, generally, it's not advised to do. Me, I never ran across the OM (yet). But from what I know, odds are it doesn't do much good, but can do quite a bit of harm.

I have considered writing a friendly letter to my wife's "boyfriend" to share with him my desire to reconcile with my wife... if I were in his shoes (which is hard to imagine), if my lover's husband were really sincere in his desire to reconcile with his wife and own up to his role in his marriage's disintegration, I would want to know that. I would probably discuss it with her and encouraged her to consider giving reconciliation a chance. This, of course, assumes he has a functioning conscience

It also assumes living in a prefect world. But then again, in a prefect world, you wouldn't be in this sitch. In the real world we live in, any reasoning with the WA is pretty much ignored by the WA, whether it comes from you, friends, relatives, workmates or the OP. Why? Because the WA is acting according to their feelings, not reason. And their feeling is that "ILYBINILWY", and that will simply rule.

When my wife left me, she accused me of being controlling and emotionally abusive. I wasn't convinced the shoe entirely fit, but if it fit at all, I had no desire for it to. So I got myself into individual counseling as well as group counseling related to abuse. I've been taking my wife's stated concerns seriously.

Good for you.

But she says she doesn't really care, which I now suspect has a lot to do with her involvement with the OM.

To some extent, yes, attention from another is distracting and filling her emotional void right now, it has her [falsely] feeling that she's "moved on" and it's also that she's further along the "emotionally detached" path than you are; she's had time prior to the A where she was withdrawing from your relationship.

I just feel like, since I vowed to allow nothing but death separate my wife and me, would it not be good and right for me to take a stand for our marriage

This is a common feeling, to hold to the vows. My belief is that's your right to do so, and trying to "save the marriage" is a noble thing to do if the intent is right, yet I think it clouds reasoning some when figuring out how to go about this (as, for example, it can feed into one's sense of "righteous indignation" which can then hit you in the face if you act on it). To me, it's not a matter of holding to vows for a marriage where one partner has already broken those vows, because marriage is a contract, and that contract's been breached, thus releasing the other partner from it. The bottom line is not so much the keeping of vows anyway, but of wishing to repair the broken relationship. That may require a course that takes you through the vows, into divorce, out of the vows, through some streets of Hell, through the thick of the forest... who knows?

I want him to get the impression that I'm not a jerk

What would make you think he's labeling you as such, and why does it really matter if he does or not? There's no difference if an OP considers the LBS as a "jerk" or as "a nice guy but not the right guy for this gal", really. That statement of yours suggests more that it arises from your perception of yourself at this moment, not wishing to be seen by the "competition" as a "fool", dealing with the rejection you feel, or something along those lines. If you look deep inside you, this may ring true.

It's all in the way one looks at things. take your focus off the OM, and these feelings disappear. You're not a "jerk"... Jerkish behavior does not encompass trying to repair a relationship, but quite the opposite, wouldn't you agree? The OM may even generally be a "nice guy" but doing an unethical thing, taking the low road, which makes him beneath you. Therefore, if anyone's displaying 'jerk behavior', it's the OM... so why bother being concerned at all with what this stranger, this man who is beneath you, may think of you?

I had one female friend of ours, when I ran this idea past her, say that she thought fighting for my marriage in such a way might possibly make a good impression on my wife.

Women love, love, love that "White Knight" type of stuff in their romantic fantasies. You see it a lot in Harlequin novels and movies, it sells!... and it influences their real life so that they'd like it there too. But in real life, it works differently, you don't ride off into the sunset happy ever after. That's because "taking a stand" doesn't change how the WA feels or wishes to do, nor does it change their perception of the primary relationship nor does it repair it... in real life, it may impress them favorably, or it may repel them.

In my sitch, early on a couple of days after the bomb, I did that. Went to go get my wife and physically bring her back home, dammit! Climbed the Ivory Tower, but she wasn't there. Feedback was she was impressed, liked it much, but...

Maybe what it demonstrates to them is that they're desired, strokes them some. I'd say though, that at best, "fighting for the marriage" in such a manner doesn't do anything today, but can be a pleasant memory for them that maybe becomes a teeny morsel later on when and if your sitch becomes more viable. But all the same, I'd think that fighting for your marriage in a more DB sort of way creates favorable impressions too that are probably, on a longer term basis, more constructive.

[PArob]

For what its worth, I would advise against contacting OM. Generally, he knows what is going on and quite frankly he's not worried about you or the sitch. I tried talking calmly to the OM in my sitch and it basically got me nowhere. Just my thoughts on the subject.

[Mike_B]

There's no difference if an OP considers the LBS as a "jerk" or as "a nice guy but not the right guy for this gal", really.

When I began courting my wife, she painted her recent ex as an abusive guy who cheated on her, which made me unsympathetic to him. Had I received a friendly letter from him expressing his remorse for what he had done in their marriage and his on-going commitment to the lady I was dating, I would have definitely discussed it with her, and it would have been a red flag to me. But mine was a different situation in that I was not dating a married woman, and I wouldn't have entertained such a thing. I live by higher ethical standards.

So my thinking is, if the OM comes to believe I'm not a jerk, that my wife isn't indeed a battered wife, maybe he'll approach their relationship with less assurance that what he's doing is for her best.

But from the replies here, I'm tending to think this is wishful thinking.

[sweets]

i have apporched the OW online and all it did was make me feel worse and more angry now i dont wanna even know she exsists because all it does is make her feel like she has this power over me when she means nothing at all.people who get involved with people they know r married are bound to keep doing it they only care for themselves so dont put urself through it your better than they are .

[Blue_and_no_Clues]

[quote
But from the replies here, I'm tending to think this is wishful thinking.

---

Mike
I was gonna do the same thing not long ago and asked the board before I did. I'm glad I did 'cause they're right...It's not gonna give you the results your looking for. I thought it might "wake up" OM but put it out of your head. It's gonna be hard...I had the letter already written out in my head...but try not to think about it and the OM.


B

[NYsurvivor]

Maybe it seems like wishful thinking to you, I see it more like that you, Mike, are thinking in terms of what a more ethical guy would think and do given that situation, and that they'd think and do as you think you'd so think and do in that situation.

Now, it could be that a WAS lies to the OP and doesn't tell them they're married, and such an OP, upon discovery otherwise, might very well be a more ethical person who never would've gotten involved had they known the true circumstances and wish to bow out of the picture. But even then, that's if emotions haven't gotten too strong a hold of them so as to lead them; there have been clergy who have had affairs, you know, and others who at one time would've never thought they'd do such a thing ever.