Should the OM ever be approached?

[Mike_B]

I'm new here, and I haven't read all of Michele's books, although I have read parts of REMEDY and BUSTING.

Is it ever advisable to approach the other man?

I have considered writing a friendly letter to my wife's "boyfriend" to share with him my desire to reconcile with my wife.

Our situation is a classic walk away wife. My wife and me are 41, her lover, 52. We have been married for seven years and have three young children. My wife's affair, which I just found about about, began 9+ months ago; we have been separated for 8.

When my wife left me, she accused me of being controlling and emotionally abusive. I wasn’t convinced the shoe entirely fit, but if it fit at all, I had no desire for it to. So I got myself into individual counseling as well as group counseling related to abuse. I've been taking my wife's stated concerns seriously. But she says she doesn't really care, which I now suspect has a lot to do with her involvement with the OM.

The reason I have thought about sending the guy a letter is, if I were in his shoes (which is hard to imagine), if my lover's husband were really sincere in his desire to reconcile with his wife and own up to his role in his marriage's disintegration, I would want to know that. I would probably discuss it with her and encouraged her to consider giving reconciliation a chance. This, of course, assumes he has a functioning conscience, as I do, but who knows. And it's likely my wife will, at least initially, feel violated -- that I am meddling in her "private life" and attempting to harm her relationship.

I just feel like, since I vowed to allow nothing but death separate my wife and me, would it not be good and right for me to take a stand for our marriage to a guy that has chosen to participate in enticing my wife away? I wouldn't make any demands. Basically, I want to make sure he understands that my wife has a husband and kids who love her, are committed to her, and want her back. I want him to get the impression that I’m not a jerk, and that I have every desire to make my wife fulfilled in her marriage. Then the ball is in his court as to what he wants to do with the information.

I had one female friend of ours, when I ran this idea past her, say that she thought fighting for my marriage in such a way might possilby make a good impression on my wife.

Any thoughts?