Chrome Lets Talk About SEX!

[chromosphere]

Thanks for your perspective Karen. I don't feel like I am berating my wife for not being sexy *enough*, I know that getting in touch with your sexual side, especially when it has been repressed takes time and effort, just like dealing with my self-esteem will take time and effort. I can see how I instead have over personalized it (as GEL's husband is apparently doing) as being my fault when the W wasn't into it enough, or didn't O. GEL's H sounds a lot like me, except maybe that I want sex more than him. I can see how my W could turn my own self-denigration into me thinking she was at fault and thus having her own version of the self-denigration. I'm seeing that the only way out of it is for me to approach her confidently, repeatedly over possibly many sessions until she internalizes the fact that what I mainly want is the EC, and not expecting hot sex. At the same time, when it is sub-par, don't personalize it as a failure on my part, which in turn makes my wife feel like she has failed. Take each instance as a lesson on which we can learn how to TRY to make the next time better. If it is, great, if not, there is another lesson. What I need the most practice with is balancing being agressive and confident with patience and understanding. Being too much A&C can lead to a sense of failure when things DON'T go right, while being too much P&U, you never get anywhere because of the biochemistry involved. Then again, maybe I'm just thinking about it too much.

"W needs to find her voice in your R and most especially in your sexual R. It is ok for her to say, "Honey, I'm a little tired but a quickie would be good. Or, how about a bj instead." By the same token, you need to find your sexual voice in your marriage and be able to say, "Honey, you seem a little tired and I am really horny. How about a quickie or a bj?" OR...."How about I draw a bath for you, put the little ones to bed and we'll see how you feel about things later.""

I see what you are saying about finding the voice. I was hearing people say that to me, but misinterpreting it as finding your niche. You literally mean finding your voice. Say exactly what you mean/feel. There is nothing wrong with me asking for a quickie. There is nothing wrong with me even wanting a quickie.

I do still have some worries about our history though. In the past, I allowed her to completely beg off of sex (in effect making every instance a quickie), and it led her to believe that all I wanted from her was to "get off" not that I wanted deep EC sex from her. I just need to find a way to make it completely clear to her that while a quickie is ok, it does not represent the entirety of my sexual desire toward her.

I feel like I'm rambling, so I'll quit.

"The problem in our M's is that so often things reamin unsaid and the longer they do the more the significance of them grows. Once in awhile not being in the mood is normal. However, when we don't or feel we can't address it candidly it begins to look like global lack of interest, lack of caring, lack of emotional connection, or outright sadism on the part of our mate. Does that make some sense?"

Yes it does. Lack of complete candor in our relationship is one of if not the major problem.