Chrome Lets Talk About SEX!

[chromosphere]

"Ok Chrome I am going to roll my sleeves up and try to help you out here (even though I am missing Desperate Housewives by doing this!)"

Glad I could help prevent the killing of a few million of your brain cells. Seriously, I appreciate the time you have given me.

Thanks for sharing your "not in the mood" scenario, it does help me understand better how my W might be feeling at times. There is one difference though, and you may find this hard to swallow but it is true. I have NEVER approached my W for sex physically, and when she didn't seem interested just kept on fondling her, etc. until she gave in. This is for two reasons. One, I am not assertive in the bedroom, something I am trying now to change about myself through the coaching of some rather assertive gentlemen here on this board and by reading some books. When I approached her in the past, it was through words, asking and even pleading for sex, always accepting a no or a maybe later, never pushing the issue. Two, I have always had this feeling that if I did push the issue, my W would not have just gone along with it. That doesn't mean she hasn't just gone along with it at times, I'm sure there are times she didn't want it but did it anyway to pleasure me. But I have just always had this gut feeling that me pressuring her into it by physically fondling her to get her excited would result in disaster. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe a bit part of all this is my lack of assertiveness translating into a lack of attraction toward me because I am not a "manly man" in the bedroom. Maybe all she needs is for me to start ignoring those "halfhearted protests" that I mistakenly viewed as unscalable walls. But I still have doubts, and the fact that she thinks I am pressuring her into sex with what I am doing NOW (non assertive asking) makes me wonder if those really are half-hearted protests. There is a lot of uncertainty and doubt in my mind right now about whether my wife does have an inner hottie or not, or if it is just me and my interactions with her. I know that one of these days, I'm just going to have to take the plunge and find out, otherwise I'll just live the rest of my life wondering. But I'll admit, I'm scared that I will find out that she truly does not want sex at all levels of her being, and that would be a devestating thing to learn.

As far as your quickie suggestion, I do like the idea in general. But what I fear is that my W will just get into the mode of giving a quickie every time. Is that an irrational fear? Maybe quickies are a good way to just keep things going until she finds her inner hottie. Again, I'm just confused by all of this.

Take for example yesterday. I was down in the morning over our convos from the day before. But I went home for lunch (part of my overall plan to be at home more), and while I was there a situation unfolded. She was unable to open a jar, so she said "come here you manly man and open this for me." I hopped up quickly before she could step out of the way, put my arms around her, reached past her and opened the jar while nuzzling her neck from behind. She seemed to enjoy that display, so I picked her movie monster style and started carrying her away making moaning monster sounds much to the delight of the twins. A little fun in the chrome household to help me forget my troubled heart. Later yesterday, when were on messenger, and I thanked her again for opening up to me and honestly validated her POV about "not being able to say no." I compared it to my self-esteem issues, in which I don't feel in control of myself and feel lots of pressure to do things (self-inflicted being the difference). She opened up again and said this time that "in my mind I want to start doing things the right way but every time I try to get started, I feel this internal resistance." And she said she feels like she needs an "attitude adjustment." I was stunned yet again. What I wanted to hear being said. I told her I would be willing to help her with her attitude adjustment as much or as little as she wanted. Next time we have an R convo, I plan on asking her what she wants to do about it.

Then, later that night we were watching TV together and I snuggled up to her, and no response from her. Finally, I just grabbed her hand and put it on me, and then she started caressing me. It reminded me again how far we have yet to go before this affection/intimacy thing feels comfortable to her.

Anyway, thanks for your words and advice, it does help me clarify how to approach my W sexually.