"Took my son to be tested for ADD and he brought up something in the doctors office that I vaguly remember from about a year or so ago. When I almost OD. Yeah the doctor sent him out of the room and we had a lenghty discussion about me she ended up more worried about me then him. Then had to take same son to the juvinile prevention place about some mischief he had gotten into and yet again had to talk about the family dynamics. Needless to say twice in one day and face to face IRL was more then stressful it was embarassing. I have had a headache since."
Yeah, its easy to get caught up in all the R stuff around here, and forget that most of us have other family dynamics that can cause just as much heartache (or headache). Wow, you almost OD? Was is taking too much of prescribed medication accidentally (if you don't mind me asking)? I've done that once or twice, never caused much problem. But my brother did it once with some sort of muscle relaxant and his potassium levels got so low, the ER doctor said "He should be dead." Scary.
"Its over and I will be fine. Thank you for asking though."
Glad to hear it and no problem.
Well, apparently all this talk of W being an HD in disguise was just smoke. I went home last night, rather eager about the developments from this morning (her revelation I mentioned earlier). It turns out that wasn't what she really meant. What she really meant was that it was ingrained in her head as a woman to resist being PRESSURED into sex, not just sex itself. I could here the implied "like you are pressuring me." Well, then she starts into a discussion basically "you have no idea how it feels to not want sex at all but feel like you have to give it." So much for W being a hottie (except in my mind). She tried giving an analogy of being full and somebody trying to force her to eat a big piece of cake, but no, that wasn't a good analogy. Then she dropped a bomb on me. She mentioned something about "rape" I don't know exactly what because my mind fogged over the instant I heard that word. I must have had a god-awful look on my face right then, because she immediately started backing off the rape thing, saying she doesn't really feel violated. I had been trying to keep my mouth shut and let her talk, but I had to say something there. I said "if you feel violeted by me, you need to say something." She protested "no no no, I didn't mean it" but the damage has been done in my head. I tried to just play it off, because I do want her to open up to me, but it REALLY ... REALLY ... REALLY hurt that she would mentioned rape in the same discussion as our sex life. I didn't say anything more and the convo trailed off. I washed dishes until I couldn't take it anymore and then just went to sleep.
Anyway, I'm going to suck it up and tell her "I really appreciate you opening up to me last night, because I really am interested in what you are thinking and how you feel." I'm sure in my head (if not in my heart right now) she just flubbed up last night, so I'm going to let it go and not make a big deal about it, because I don't want her to retreat back into her shell now that she has come out a bit. I just wish my heart didn't hurt so much over this.
I know I'm probably overreacting, but sex seems SOOO far away now. My dreams of breaking through her barriers by being agressive and confident are shattered. How can I do something like that when she feels violated, at least subconsciously? And it seems that maybe they aren't barriers, that I was inventing barriers when it is nothing more that she simply doesn't desire me. She said she thought things would get better, so I have some hope. But she also complained about how everything on the web is about people like me (the ones who want sex and aren't getting it) and nothing about her (the ones who don't want sex). That is, except for the multiple children message boards where most of the women complain about their husbands wanting sex too much or about not wanting it.
Oh well, I know I need to keep my head up/shoulders back, and try to keep working on the other parts of our R. The sex part is a dead issue, for now. I'm not giving up on my boundary, but the line has been pushed back for awhile.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
