Or use this for a example my post earlier to chrome I had just got out of the shower and was stark naked and thought nothing of it since I am stark naked to barely dressed at most times around here. But if say I went on a sex website and was told to come to the computer naked I would find it to funny to do. Phone sex the same I may be naked while talking on the phone but if someone on the other side of the phone told me to get naked I would bust out in laughter. Are you saying you posted to Chrome while stark naked at your computer? You are too funny. As for the phone sex thing, I thought I would react the same as you but I must say if there was one talent OM had (other than real sex, lol) it was phone sex. The irony being I had a very hard time holding a normal conversation with this man but if it had to do with sex, he was mr. talkative. And I was horrible at it. Even when I was getting "hot and bothered" I couldn't bring myself to say half the things he did. To do this day, I can never see my H saying half the things OM said either. Well, if I'm honest, he wouldn't do it at all. He would be way too embarrassed. The point being (if I have one) is that the dynamic between two people can make or break a lot of the sexual R. If one person appears at ease, it puts the other person at ease even if they would not normally participate in that activity. When both people are somewhat uneasy, that tends to limit a lot of options. I think H and I can get into that dynamic too often. We need to work on pulling each other out of our shell more. Maybe there is something to this and I should just get the costume and try out the whole concept. H could come home from work and I could be all wenched out and offer him dinner served on the table then just climb up on it. OMG I am laughing at the thought of it maybe I could be a mime so I would not have to talk just signal ohhhhhhh better stop before I end up crying from laughter. Stop! Now you have me on the floor laughing. Especially the mime part. Mime's are not sexy! That was darn funny though.
"If she seems to need this to get her emotions back in check after her O then by all means it is great. I have heard of woman crying after a O because of the connection/love they feel at that moment. But to do it every time no. Hence my statement of you can control the trusting even from the bottom after her O and either increase it or decrease it and gauge her response/expression."
I'll have to be frank Chrissy, I'm sure you are trying hard and I am just being thick-headed, but I am just not getting what you are driving at. Are you saying that I can do different things right after her O to increase/decrease the EC? Why would I want to decrease it? I'm sure what you are trying to say is obvious, I'm just a knuckle-headed guy over here.
"Chrome Sweetie are you ready to play W I guess Chrome Well you know what I like but I was really thinking I would like to dribble a little honey between your breast tonight and then>>>>>>>>>> You get the picture A little varition not a huge jump."
OK, I THINK I get it. The idea is for me to be VERY open about trying new things, a little at a time, but gauge her responses to these things. Approach them as favors for my sexual pleasure, but always be cognizant of her attitude toward it and thus begin to develop a picture of her sexual needs. Is that right?
"Slowly by changing the concept and the meaning of the fantasies. Which will help her except her own sexuality. And a fantasy played out in a bedroom is a reality of the two involved you are still Chrome and Mrs Chrome just adding a little spice. And allowing her to not be so sexual repressed right now even if she is role playing added in with all the other changes may adventually reap you the rewards you want."
OK, so this goes along with the habit building. Have sex often enough, and your body starts to expect it and thus you want it more. Be sexually adventurous, at a slow enough pace that it doesn't set off her defenses, and her mind/body will come to expect it and thus want it.
"Your wife is young with really little experience in this. She can learn it all yet."
Something that does give me hope. If I had been trying all this for the past 10 years and had gotten nowhere, I would be more concerned. But, like I said, kid in a candy store here.
"There was a long period of time in my life I did not masturbate. People that masturbated was bad blah blah. Urges for sex that were unmet by another were unattended."
Sounds familiar.
" did not touch my own privates while having sex nor kiss anyone after oral sex because ohhh I did not want me in my own mouth blah blah until in my mid -late 30s."
Hmmm, kinda along the same lines that Schnarch talks about in his opening chapter of "Passionate Marriage." I am wondering now if that example has similarities to my W's frame of mind.
"But I had to prove to him first I did not find him a freak for doing these things for him to open up and do them. That is what sexual inhabition is all about."
Hmmm. I'm trying to see a way in which I can overcome my W's specific inhibitions though. I'm not sure it has anything to do with perceived "freakishness."
"Close your eyes and open your mind its all in there already Chrome."
You are right, I was taking the lazy approach. Just give me the answer teacher! LOL
"You have read dialouge between me and LFL joking around about pumpkin butter and various other things. Its all about imagination."
OK. I would have to defeat my W's "messiness" inhibition to do anything with honey or pumpkin butter, but I get the idea.
"Get her to apply the astroglide to herself."
Right! I see the potential there. Ummm, darlin, you missed a spot right there, and there, and ...
"Insertion would be the same knees down position the only change would be no laying down giving her the option to grind and also to determine how deep the penatration goes."
You might have to draw a picture ... I'M KIDDING!
"Yeah right now that I have made myself sound slutty you thank me! Hay wait maybe I could do that prostitute sailor thing after all"
In all honesty, I found nothing slutty at all in what you said. While many sexually repressed zealots may find sex talk slutty, I find people who are comfortable with their sexuality to be mature, interesting people.
"Your face is much larger then hers. This is a common problem for me and my H. Do not kiss straight on gonna have to not only lean down but sorta cock your head to the side so it does not press hard on her one nostril."
I do twist and turn to various sides, but there is always an excuse.
I will have to say that there is more to the story here, and I may have permanently shot myself in the foot. The W admitted to me this morning that she still thinks about the fact that I kissed OW and that it bugs her when we kiss. I'm afraid there won't be any knee-knocking kisses in the near future.
"And then if that fails you can always joke around that you know your kisses take her breath away."
I am definitely going to use that one!!!!
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"CSI was on tonight and running in theme with our board it was about people who dress up as animals and have a orgee lol"
Don't laugh, they are VERY real. I ran into some "furries" as they call themselves at a sci-fi convention. Not being judgmental, but that definitely is not my cup of tea.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I may have permanently shot myself in the foot. The W admitted to me this morning that she still thinks about the fact that I kissed OW and that it bugs her when we kiss. You are not shooting yourself in the foot, she is Chrome. You cannot change the past. Just like I cannot change my R with OM. Our H/W have to deal with that or not. You are doing what you can to make her as comfortable as possible while still keeping on top of the issue. She is using the ow kiss as an excuse to not work on her own sexuality. Just my 2 cents.
Are you saying you posted to Chrome while stark naked at your computer?
Yep that was why I was in a crunch for time needed to get dressed and get to a meeting for my son.
Dang does everyone around here like clothes or something? I personally hate being dressed.
As for the phone sex thing, I thought I would react the same as you but I must say if there was one talent OM had (other than real sex, lol) it was phone sex. The irony being I had a very hard time holding a normal conversation with this man but if it had to do with sex, he was mr. talkative. And I was horrible at it. Even when I was getting "hot and bothered" I couldn't bring myself to say half the things he did
My EX liked to talk dirty as mentioned before. And let me tell you I would blush even on the phone when he started. I can remember one time sending him a message in his kinda talk I laughed while writting it and kept having to edit it because it felt so ahhh not meish. It took everything in me to hit that send button and I think I was blushing for days I sure was avoiding him for days. But since I can not even grasp wrapping my mind around calling my H a big stud muffin as BF suggested. I could not imagine saying these things IRL to someone. Odd for someone who can sit and tell a bunch of strangers in cyberland all about there sex life without blinking. I guess its just the dirty talk thing I am a bit inhibited with.
Mime's are not sexy
They can be! shuck the clothes and just use the face paint over your whole body like the chick in that new movie. And just think of all the hand jestures you can use
Are you saying that I can do different things right after her O to increase/decrease the EC
Starting over. Your wife at times has hugged you after her O. Obviously this is because of a EC connection she has with you and at these times you should fufill that need by embracing her rubbing her back and all that you already do.
And no I am not saying that you should do these things to build or decrease her ec but her pleasure after the o.
Approach them as favors for my sexual pleasure, but always be cognizant of her attitude toward it and thus begin to develop a picture of her sexual needs. Is that right?
Yep since she does not want to tell you what her wants and pleasures are but is willing to tend to yours you are stating this is for you (not deceptive because it is ) But doing things that are more about her pleasure.
Hmmm. I'm trying to see a way in which I can overcome my W's specific inhibitions though. I'm not sure it has anything to do with perceived "freakishness."
Bad wording on my part with the freak word bad Chrissy. Inhibited people think there desires are abnormal or may make someone feel they are abnormal. By making her see you accept her desires and are not going to go running for the hills freaking out she becomes more excepting of her own sexuality as normal. Better?
Right! I see the potential there
Cute answer but wronge it is to teach her/ make her comfortable enough to touch herself in front of you.
You might have to draw a picture
My drawing skills suck and would really confuse you lol!
The W admitted to me this morning that she still thinks about the fact that I kissed OW and that it bugs her when we kiss.
Hmmm this is a step in the right direction. She opened up and told you how she felt about something. I believe that is what you and the guys have been working on with all the R talk advise. I have to stand back on this one and hopefully NOP BF or Stig will step in and take over on advising you how to deal with this.
Chrome you are doing great. Not everyone could be dealing with so many issues at once and still making progress.
I ran into some "furries" as they call themselves at a sci-fi convention.
Omg that is to funny. I love it ohhhh I would have been so dying of laughter. Chrissy who oddly finds very little funny finds all this sex stuff hillarious!
"You are not shooting yourself in the foot, she is Chrome. You cannot change the past. Just like I cannot change my R with OM. Our H/W have to deal with that or not. You are doing what you can to make her as comfortable as possible while still keeping on top of the issue. She is using the ow kiss as an excuse to not work on her own sexuality. Just my 2 cents."
I agree LFL, my choice of words (permanent) was unwise. I do have to accept the fact though that my W is bound to have issues about this, and I cannot expect them to just go away and for things to be ok between us. I am disappointed that this is halting some of our R progress, but it is a bed of my own making.
I do agree though that at some point this needs to cease to be an issue if we are going to have a healthy R. How long? I have no idea, nor do I really have any idea what I should do about it.
You are right, I may have handed her the perfect excuse for not working on certain aspects of our R, but the key part of that sentence is "I handed her." I wish I had taken the "high road" of R repair like so many people here have, but I didn't. And when you take the low road you have to realize that you will get crap on your shoes. But this is the kind of crap that doesn't wash off unless your SO wants it to wash off.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"Your wife at times has hugged you after her O. Obviously this is because of a EC connection she has with you and at these times you should fufill that need by embracing her rubbing her back and all that you already do. And no I am not saying that you should do these things to build or decrease her ec but her pleasure after the o."
OK, gotcha. I should use what seemed to be working in the past as a baseline, and make gradual changes over time to gauge whether she enjoys more or less interaction after her O.
"Yep since she does not want to tell you what her wants and pleasures are but is willing to tend to yours you are stating this is for you (not deceptive because it is ) But doing things that are more about her pleasure."
OK
"Inhibited people think there desires are abnormal or may make someone feel they are abnormal. By making her see you accept her desires and are not going to go running for the hills freaking out she becomes more excepting of her own sexuality as normal. Better?"
Yes, I do see what you mean. By the same token, when she does show a bit of desire, nurture it like a small flame in a stick of twigs by blowing it gently (no pun intended), i.e. encouraging and supporting that show of desire and gradually tweaking it to a higher and higher level. Don't try to turn it into a raging fire and instead probably blow it out.
She did open up a bit this morning (had to leave for work so we didn't get to finish). She had been reading the Marriage Bed website and had come to the following conclusion about herself. As a young girl growing up in the Bible Belt, it was drilled in her to avoid sex and sexuality at all costs, sex and even sexual thinking was for marriage only. Granted, people told her it was ok once you got married to let your sexuality loose, but no one bothered to tell her how. And no one bothered to help her find a way to overcome that Pavlovian "sex is dirty" response that was drilled into her from her pre-teen years onward. I think it was a very interesting mental development on her part. My next question to her is, "now that you have an idea about a potential problem, what are you going to do about it." Should I let this inner revelation percolate for a bit, or should I ask her that question tonight?
"Hmmm this is a step in the right direction. She opened up and told you how she felt about something. I believe that is what you and the guys have been working on with all the R talk advise. I have to stand back on this one and hopefully NOP BF or Stig will step in and take over on advising you how to deal with this."
Yes, a light bulb went off in my head on this one. I had been focusing on how kissing seems to be a powerful thing for her, and was really forgetting how there is a negative connotation attached to it now. She had been rebuffing my attempts to kiss her, and it wasn't jiving with all the "she is an inhibited hottie" talk. Her statements added some clarity to the situation.
And yes, whoever wants to advise on this, please do so.
"Chrome you are doing great. Not everyone could be dealing with so many issues at once and still making progress."
Thanks. WOA make me feel like keeping up the "fight."
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"Omg that is to funny. I love it ohhhh I would have been so dying of laughter. Chrissy who oddly finds very little funny finds all this sex stuff hillarious!"
At that same convention, I ran into some people dressed up as stormtroopers and one as Darth Vader. As I was already thinking about furries, you can guess what thought ran through my head. Guy dressed as Darth Vader, woman like Princess Leia ... "Tell me the location of your secret base!"
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
You are too funny.
And I was horrible at it. Even when I was getting "hot and bothered" I couldn't bring myself to say half the things he did. To do this day, I can never see my H saying half the things OM said either. Well, if I'm honest, he wouldn't do it at all. He would be way too embarrassed. The point being (if I have one) is that the dynamic between two people can make or break a lot of the sexual R. If one person appears at ease, it puts the other person at ease even if they would not normally participate in that activity. When both people are somewhat uneasy, that tends to limit a lot of options. I think H and I can get into that dynamic too often. We need to work on pulling each other out of our shell more.
