Heather and Al,

In a nutshell, it sounds like the forgiveness, resentment and fear of things not being different is what keeps us from moving on with our S. Al, I do realize this is what holds me back. I truly do. The other stuff could be overcome, but until I'd be willing to let go of the hurt and resentment, healing can't begin. The prob is, that resentment is what protects me right now from getting in there. It keeps the wound raw, but it keeps the reasons for not be emotionally involved with my H on the surface where I won't forget that he's capable of causing pain and go there without some guarantees that things have changed and we won't end up here again. The bond that was broken this last summer.. gosh, losing that is the most painful thing I've ever went through. I'd allowed myself to believe this is the man I'd spend the rest of my life with and was comfortable with that. I gave him my everything and seeing that he won't protect that with everything he has makes me feel like I can't give it to him again. I wish I could.. he's the man I chose.. but every time I think I can, I remember the feelings of hurt and pain I felt and think I'd only be kidding myself. I'd never be as in the R as I was before.. always having to protect myself and keep a safe emotional distance. I'm not one for emotionally distancing myself from the people I love. It's good because that means I don't take more than I can give back, but it's bad because I give way more than is given back at times.

Heather, I think your H is over the top with making you suffer for what you've done. I agree that he shouldnt keep this up if he's just going to hurt you.. he should say he can't do it and let both of you move on. But I do understand the anger he feels.. sometimes its the love that causes that anger because you want to move on and not care, but you do care and wanna stay. You know how that is.... my H knows how that is. It just sucks to love someone, want to work it out, but end up here where we can't because the risk is too big... and yeah, sometimes that means we don't see how our S has changed and how bad they feel for hurting us and think they can't understand the depth of our pain. What we all want is a reassurance that we won't feel that pain again.. how do you get that? It takes trust. Trust has to be earned, but it's still a decision. Maybe your H just can't trust.. or maybe he can't trust unless he has major guarantees. Whichever it is, you can only do your best and hope he's willing to get out on that limb because the risk is worth it. I got out on the limb, and don't regret that I did. I just got stuck out there too long and it became a cold, unhappy place to be. H wouldnt join me, or drag me back into safety with him.. he wasnt ready. If I'd have known.. I'd never have asked him to come back home when I did. I'd have waited so I wouldnt have drained myself dry trying before he was ready.

It makes me feel better that you two understand. I needed to hear your words this morning Yesterday was freeing, but also terribly difficult. Good for my guilt to hear I'm not nuts to give up right now, but also made my heart hurt to know that this is the end of the road for us.. and yeah, I have tried hard enough. It's something I admit to myself, but havent quite accepted. I needed to know it's OK, but I didnt ever WANT it to be OK.. H is the love of my life and you're right Al.. it's not gonna be easy to let that go and move on without him.

Sheila