I've tried to make myself feel and do so many things because I feel guilty for giving up and know the best/right thing for my kids is to have their family together. Fear. I definately fear. I fear the not knowing what the future will be. I fear regrets. I don't fear living without H much, but am afraid I'll forget the reasons it didnt work out and replace it with guilt that I didnt try harder or longer. I'm afraid of feeling like I let my kids down and it being true.
Gosh, I could have said the very same thing Sheila. The part about forgetting why it didn't work and just feeling guilty for all the things we should or could have done differently or better....wow. I know exactly how you feel. I think that most of the emotions human beings feel are so similar...we react similarly in similar situations. I read on someone else's thread, I forget whose, that we need to stop looking for the right decision and make the decision right. There are so many 'what if' scenarios and like you said, we can't see the future. You and I are both strong enough to make the decision right, whatever that decision may be.
We've been getting along, but that's about it. I don't want to be close to him physically or emotionally right now. I don't like how it makes me feel to be close to someone who's hurt me so much.
And maybe this is how my H feels. Like he just doesn't want things to work out. It's all well and good when our parnters say they're sorry and they want to try. But what about the hurt that's been caused in the past? Where is that supposed to go? Worse yet, what if we don't think they even have an understanding of the depth of the hurt they caused? People who make mistakes always want to move on, move past it. The people who've been hurt have a harder time just moving on.
It's amazing how complicated relationships between two people can be. We disappoint one another, we hurt one another. But there are times when we love one another, we comfort one another....there is no one on earth who gives us the same level of comfort that our spouses do. No one. Yet sometimes, the damage is too great to repair no matter how good the intentions are. It's so sad, it's difficult to bear.
Sheila, I do hope that you can find the place you're trying to get to. I know it's hard to forgive when the punches keep rolling.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
