H and I had our MC appt today. We've been distant from each other the last couple of days. Had an ugly argument Weds before work and I'm determined not to go there again. He made a list of places he's going to look for an apt, and we discussed it a little. He said he doesnt want me to hate him and it's going that way so he'll give me space if that's what it's going to take.
Went to the MC. He's a minister H has known through basketball for several years. Interesting man! He has a doctorate in theological counseling and pastors the local christian center. I've met him, but don't know him. We just started today explaining to him what's going on and what we need from him to see if he was willing to C us and we were willing to see him. H explained what's happened, and then I did. H explained everything very honestly and there were pauses for me to respond. I told the C how I feel about not being in the R because of all that's happened, that this was our second chance and we failed, and I can't end up here again.. won't risk myself in that way when H didnt come to the plate to help fix things when he needed to.
I was very surprised that the MC called H on a few things right off and told him that he handled it badly.. he actually said "IMO, you were wrong H". Then he explained to H how I might be feeling right now and that I need space to heal. He said, and it's hard to type the convo here! But basically he told H that he has no right to expect me to work on anything or try to fix this and that I have every right to expect for H to be working and trying. He said "you see how this works? You damaged the M, and it's up to you to give her a reason to want to be in this M" I told him that H keeps saying that we can separate, but I need to let him know that I see he's changing and will try again when he's made the right changes. I told the MC that I cant do that.. that if he makes the changes that I'll see it, but it bothers me that H is asking for some kind of guarantee from me. He said he understands.. that I will see the changes but it's hard to know how I'll feel then because I have a lot of work to do with myself to get to a stable place before deciding whether I can continue in the R. He recommended that we physically separate and give each other as much space as we need to move on. Then if things change in the future and it brings us back together, we can work on having an R if that's what we both want. He said we're definately not ready for MC together. He asked me if I'd be willing to see him alone and said he is going to C H alone.. he didnt ask H.. he just told him he'd work with him.. maybe because they're friends? And then he asked me if it's a matter of character flaws and integrity with H. I said yeah, and H said yeah and the MC agreed. He said quite a bit about honesty, sneakiness and hiding things from the person you live with and about being transparent. He told H that he'd wounded me with his lies and with the A, and especially by continuing to work with ow. He said that it was entirely reasonable for me to ask him to leave the job if he wanted to stay in the R with me. Basically, I felt very validated and understood. H wasnt upset and seems to trust the C and understand my feelings more through the eyes of someone else. MC told H that it's 100% by both partners to make the R work and that since I was giving my 100 and he wasnt, he'd drained me dry and I needed time to recover. He said when a person is drained dry, and pushed to the point where they feel hopeless... are physically and emotionally ill, then exposure to the person who's caused the pain is toxic.. the R is toxic and it has to stop because no one can be in that place before long.. it can lead to death.. maybe not suicide, but it's not healthy to remain in a R like that. He sees our R that way and asked me alot about how I feel physically.. is my chest heavy, do I feel stressed, does my stomach constantly hurt, etc.
I don't know how he managed, but we went through 2 hours of C and he agreed with me that our R should be over for now, that H needs to change a lot before he can be a good part of a R, and that I need to recover and heal.. stop feeling guilty because I can't give more than I have. All that and H seems relieved and at peace. Maybe he just needed to hear it from a third party.. or maybe he's relieved that the truth is out there and there's help to deal with it for both of us. I'm definately going to call the C and set up another time to meet with him by myself. He said I didnt have to tell H if I didnt want to and asked H not to ask me about it.. that it's just for me and I don't need any pressure about our R... and again he said H doesnt have a right to expect me to *do* anything right now.
I'm relieved because I didnt get to this place by just giving up. H hasnt accepted that and I've felt a huge amount of guilt like he thinks I'm just walking away without giving him a chance. In the telling of the last few years, I saw how many chances H has had and know in my heart I've given enough. I'm glad that H has this man to talk to and work with. He is straighforward, but not harsh and I don't think he's going to walk away without helping H as much as he can. So, I think the future looks OK for both of us.. even apart.
