Sorry you are where you are. No one is disappointed in you for sharing it though. I can't even imagine the place you're in. I sometimes do, and frankly, it is what gives me strength to accept that my wife has left and is never coming back, because if she did, I'm afraid I would feel as you do right now. Afraid is the key word.
I've resisted this place and as much as I distrust H, that resistance led me to distrust myself too. As much as I regret these feelings, I have to be able to trust myself to love and take care of me. I've tried to make myself feel and do so many things because I feel guilty for giving up and know the best/right thing for my kids is to have their family together. Fear. I definately fear. I fear the not knowing what the future will be. I fear regrets. I don't fear living without H much, but am afraid I'll forget the reasons it didnt work out and replace it with guilt that I didnt try harder or longer. I'm afraid of feeling like I let my kids down and it being true. The problem is.. I can't see the future.
I wonder if you asked yourself something? Is the fear of being hurt only because of H? I mean, if you were to launch into a new R with a new person, would the fear still be there only with that person instead? I believe it would. Of course, you can be like me in my skeptical moments when I decide the potential hurt is not worth the reward of finding someone else. Going through life alone is the only safe thing to do. Some days, I don't want to believe that though, and I am sure, some days, you don't either. Food for thought then - what would come next and how would it be different?
I've had experience here after the D. I did get into a R and jumped in pretty quickly. Fear didnt keep me from giving myself in that R. It didnt end because I was afraid of being hurt. It ended because we weren't compatible. I can't remember feeling anxious that I'd get hurt or the R would turn out badly. I was mostly frustrated that I didnt choose someone that treated me any better than H does. I tried to be the giver and fixer in that R too, but I recognized it pretty quickly and decided I wasnt going to do it again. Rather than fearing another R, I think I'd lean more toward figuring myself out for awhile and enjoying my life. My need for love and affection would work against that though so I don't know how far I'd get before deciding it's OK to try again. And I might would swing the complete opposite direction and become a taker. Do I dare hope that I'd be able to be in a R with a healthy level of give and take? I have lots of Rs like that.. they're friendships. I guess I'd have to have a friendship that turns into love so that quality would be there to begin with or I'd probably jump in and do the same things I've done in the past. Lots to think about.. and premature. There are four kids to think about... and even the best R for me would be a hard fit for a ready made family.
know what sounds different. Relief, release, no more pressure on Piglet to do the right thing, to salvage a marriage, to act as if so long that it becomes true.
You got it! That's where I am. I'm feeling less guilty for being here too. I don't know who ever told me that I don't have a right to my feelings or to do what's good for me, but whoever it was, did a good job of it. I think I do maybe.. my father most likely. I can remember starting the day hoping I'd be good enough that he'd be nice that day and not find something to criticize me for...and maybe I'd be rewarded with approval and love if I was *really* good. I've continued that in adulthood. Not H's fault, but I've foolishly lived that part.. if I'm a good enough W and mother today, he'll notice and not do XYZ that hurts me. That's a load on him and on me. I take responsibility for his actions and he takes responsibility for my feelings of self worth. Not gonna work!
Anyway, that's about it. Not much changing in the R, but I'm making strides with myself.
