Thanks for caring and checking on me WCW, I read your thread every day and your strength amazes me. I don't reply often because I can't offer advice on hanging in there.. you definately outshine me in that dept already! Just know that I'm thinking of you!
Heather: GF.. I feel your frustration in your posts. I know our sitchs are diff, but we're stuck in some of the same ways. Want to move forward, not sure if we can, and now there's so much bitterness, anger and resentment in our way, how will we ever plow through it? And then we think of our kids, and know there HAS to be a way to do it for them. I know you understand.. and I wouldnt wish that on anyone.. truly.
Journalling:
I could say so much, but I think I've said most of it before! H started a new job on Monday and seems to like it a lot already. He'll be working normal hours for a change and we can ride to work if we want to. Definately a positive change for us! I find myself wondering though, why this isnt bringing the healing it should for me, and in a way I think it's because I wont let it. I'm in a very bad place in our R right now.. still, and can't see the end. A part of me wants to just let go of the past, never mention it again, move on and will myself to trust and believe we can build a better R and be a happy family again. I've no doubt that many people on this board would take my sitch and work wonders with it.. come out shining. I know I have the strength to do that if H continues to take the strides he has been. I'm choosing not to though. I say it's a choice as much as we decide to have our emotions, because that's what's standing in our way.
I used to look at couples who'd divorce after years of M and I couldnt understand it. How could they spend half of their life with someone and then decide that person needs to be a stranger to them for the rest of their life? I'm starting to understand how couples do that and why they choose that. It ain't pretty!
I've went from wanting to save this R more than anything to thinking it might have to end in order for me to save myself. Not very long ago I prayed that my H would come out of his fog and choose his family again. He did that and instead of it being an answer to a prayer, it's become a heavy burden on my heart. I look at him and think I can't love him again because he's not someone I can trust with my heart. Sometimes I think it'd be easy, but when I try it's like sticking my hand in a fire.
I'm just beginning to understand how devastated I was last summer.. how hurt, and alone I felt for a long time. That scares the h*ll out of me. I don't ever want to arrive there again, and especially don't want to know that I didnt protect myself from it.
The negative said, we still have an appt with the MC. He's changed it twice, but H still wants to go. He said he'll go alone if I don't go with him, but I probably will. I really don't know what I'll say though. There isn't a way to reason or promise me out of the place I'm in. Typical WAS, I'll have to decide I don't want to be here and choose to do something different for the C to bring positive changes. We've been getting along, but that's about it. I don't want to be close to him physically or emotionally right now. I don't like how it makes me feel to be close to someone who's hurt me so much. Maybe part of it is a self esteem thing... how much do I love myself if I'd give my heart to someone who's treated it so badly? It'll take a long time for me to get there if I ever do. I don't know if either of us have the patience for that. I'd like to be able to say I can do this.. but I just can't right now and pressure from me or anyone else isnt going to get me there faster... it's just where I am.
Sorry for such a downer post. I know it probably doesn't help anyone else to read this. It's SO hard to move forward to begin with and hearing how hard it is after the WAS returns home can't be easy for others that are having their doubts. It's unrealistic to think though that the choice to come home is the end of the journey here. Reminds me of the scene in "A Christmas Story" where he gets the Ovaltine decoder.. waits and waits and finally it's in the mailbox and after all that anticipation, the secret message is a crummy Ovaltine commercial. Yeah, he's fnally a part of the Little Orphan Annie club, but it isn't as cool as he thought it'd be! The bully's still waiting in the alley after school and must be dealt with .. so goes it with life. Sometimes we think the answer is out there, but we really have to figure it out for ourselves.
WCW, I read your thread every day and your strength amazes me. I don't reply often because I can't offer advice on hanging in there.. you definately outshine me in that dept already! Just know that I'm thinking of you!