BigAL I didnt miss your post earlier and I'm sorry I didnt reply. I was waiting to journal, but didnt know what to say! I hope you know that I appreciate your thoughs and support sooo much.. {{{BigAL}}}

Journalling:

H started his new job today. He mostly did a medical in-process and starts training Weds. He's still waiting on word from the job he really would like to have. They called today surprised he hadnt received a job offer by mail and said it should be here soon. Then he received a call from a job he interviewed for in Dec.. they gave that job to someone already working there, but another job that H is perfectly qualified for has come open and they want to discuss a salary with him if he's interested. Should know more about that tomm. Whatever happens, it sounds like he'll be back in his *career* before too long. After 20 months, that's bound to improve his outlook on life.

On the homefront - I've been reading a little of The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. My first reaction was "H has it freakin made!" reading letters from wives who won't cook or spent QT with their H's. Then I got down to finding something for me to chew on. Ended up with H giving me three things he's like me to do better. 1) Spend more QT with him. 2) Talk to him, not AT him when I have a problem and listen better when we discuss it 3) Keep loving and caring for him the way I always have. I asked for more on this one and basically, he wants me to be caring, compassionate, loving and encouraging like I was before the bomb dropped.

So there are some goals for me right out of H's mouth. I'm still faced with my reluctance to be a part of this R and keep trying. I've been trying to get down to my bare feelings about things and it's hard, but I think I can try to do better at what he's asked of me until I *know* to do something more or not.

He told me today that he talked to the MC again. He wants to meet with us Sunday evening. I didnt have to remind him.. that's a positive! I've decided to go and see where it takes us. I don't have a plan.. I"m basically a clean slate, so maybe that'll work in our favor? I know the last time we went to C, I had some notions of how I wanted things to go and was disappointed when my expectations weren't met. I'm anxious to see how being the one in the driver's seat influences H's actions. Maybe there'll be some pleasant surprises.

Other than that, we're getting along OK. I swing from being happy and at peace to looking at H and thinking "I don't even like this man!". Trying not to dwell on the emotions of that too much, but it bothers me. If I knew it was just a defense, I'd feel better, but I fear that I'm going to keep waking up and seeing a man that I don't see myself sharing a long future with

How do you know when things are just too far gone? I really try to feel more positive about us working this out, but can't quit hearing "I just don't feel the way I should feel for you anymore.. I haven't loved you in a couple of years". I'm afraid that and ow were mortal wounds

Thanks for listening.

Sheila