Thought I'd start a new thread since I've had a little hiatus from the BB. I've allowed myself free rein to do what I want, feel how I feel and not *do* much in terms of our R. It became such a burden trying to figure out what to do next and where we're going.. so, I just gave up for awhile. The break was good and enlightening! I feel stronger and more at peace than I have in months.
H had back surgery seven years ago. Was thinking about a vasectomy then blew a disk. Funny how life works, if not for his bad back we probably wouldnt have our precious boys now. After one of the tests before surgery he had to go to the emergency room for a blood patch. While I was waiting for him I read an article in a mag. It was written by a catholic priest. He was talking about marriage counseling and what makes a marriage work. He said that he counsels young couples before M to realize that marriage is an institution first, and that it's not meant to make the H and W happy all the time. He said that expecting continual happiness has led to the high D rate because we expect our needs to be met and aren't willing to work through the times when we're unhappy or not getting what we need. He went on to say that a good M can be measured by something other than personal happiness. It can bear fruit during times of dispair and disharmony too. That the real measure of a marriage is what it produces as a whole.. children, community involvement, personal growth, service to others, etc. I've never forgotten that article. I've never forgotten that he said the key to long term marital happiness is just staying with it. Or that the rewards we seek today sometimes don't come until our children are grown and we can look at each other and say - we did it and we did it well despite the obstacles we've faced. We sacrificed and it was worth it. He said it's often then that we find the soul mate and lover we ached for but couldnt find in the person we married.
I have a lot of other thoughts, but I'll save them for now and update instead.
H has found a new job and starts Monday! He'll never be working with ow again! From what he's said many times, I know he sees this as a chance for a new start. He's always said that we can't work things out until he's away from her and his efforts have been focused on getting that done. As a result, I've had months of disappointment waiting to see other changes. Maybe the new job will free up his energy for a new challenge. We went out of town Thurs-Fri and had a good time. It was preceeded by a huge argument about him continuing to write checks on my account and lie about it. He admitted that he has a problem with financial things and said that he needs to get help with that. He begged me to give him a chance to show me that he's willing to get help and change. I didnt respond much to that other than to say that I need to see changes and can't rely on what he says or promises.
On the way out of town he stopped to pick up some study material at his new job. He took me in with him.. something out of the ordinary for him. He also asked me if I'd go with him to resign from his current job. I haven decided on that yet. Then out of the blue he asked again if I'd be willing to go to counseling, even if it's not to work on our M, that we have some things we should work through and put to rest. I responded that he's asked that before, but has never found a C. He then dialed his cell and talked to a friend of his that's a MC. I didnt know that this friend has a PHD in MC. He left a message. His MF called back and left a message and H immediately called him back to talk about it. I was surprised. They agreed to set something up this week if I'm willing to go. H said he's had this guy in mind for weeks, but wasnt sure if I'd be willing to talk to him because he's a friend of H's. I still havent told him whether I'll go or not. We'll talk about it this weekend some time.
On the way home we started a discussion that was quickly turning into a common argument between us. It was about ow. We'll never see eye-to-eye on that subject. I have to ask myself if I want to be happy or if I want to be right in this case. It just torques me to no end that he still insists they were just friends. It's insulting really, and it's the biggest hurdle I'd have to get over I think. He says I also refuse to accept that most of what happened was a result of his struggle with depression. I feel like he wants to write everything off to depression and a tiny mistake he made sleeping with *a friend* when they had too much to drink. It makes it sound like I'm being unreasonable to feel the way I do about all that's happened. Yet another attempt to discount my feelings and convince me I need to just "let it go".
Anyway, that's where we are. I'm inching towards giving this another try. I know to do that I'm going to have to shelve a couple of issues, and I'm having a hard time doing that. I'm going to have to accept that H is a financial wreck right now and might be for quite awhile. I'll also have to accept his view of his R with ow and let it go. Those two things are huge obstacles to me wanting to continue with H. When I think about how irresponsible he is and all the ways he hurt me last summer I can't see a way to piece this back together and feel like it's the right/smart thing to do for me. When I think about our family and our children though, the sacrifice seems worth it. I'm gonna have to Byron Katie those issues a little and see if I can find the peace I need to move forward.
For the time being, I've decided to do a 180 on the financial issue. We've separated everything and it's working well in some ways. But.. H isnt budgeting his personal money well and is dipping into mine. Knowing that I'm going out on a limb here. I'm going to just start asking him if he needs a check or money and giving him the opportunity to be honest about his financial sitch instead of hiding it. It all comes out either way. It would be nice for it to come out honestly rather than to feel like he's constantly screwing with my bank account and lying to me. At least this way there's hopes of getting his spending into the budget rather than to be surprised by it. As long as he's living here and has access to my checks, I'm apparently gonna have to deal with it one way or another!
