You are so very wise and insightful. I feel better after reading your post. Look, Hope is smiling.
Remember, my H had told me that he hated me and couldn't even stand to look at me. I would have said at that time that he seemed very sure of what he was saying Oh dear. That is horrible! I am so sorry you had to hear those things. At least H. isn't being THAT mean.
but he says now that he knew even then that his uncomfortableness was caused by his own guilt and anger at himself I am hoping this is exactly what is happening with my own H. too. When I look back at the evening spent together, I cannot see anything I could have done to make him feel more at home.
I would have *never* believed that my H felt as guilty as what he now says he did during the four months he was gone Can I ask you, how did your H. end up getting beyond the guilt, enough so that he was able to come back?
Let things happen, instead of trying to make things happen. See for a while how that treats you Ok; good advice. I will not mention anything about wanting to be friends. He cannot handle what I "want" right now anyway.
No, he got the sense that you were getting over him, so he came over to make sure you're not. And it worked. Then, because the "excitement" of him thinking that you were going to be a chase for him went away, so he had to pull something out of his a$$ to tell you for why he came over and did that. Any WAS's first line is going to be: "I just wanted to see if 'it' was still there." That's what they *have* to say, because they don't want to tell you that they actually got scared for a minute that you were moving on with your life. So...what's their crazy wish? That we stay put until they are done twisting in the wind?
A part of me is scared that he will now file. He didn't say that, but logic would tell me that if he is sure he isn't coming home then he will be ready to do this. I guess I have to wait and see what he does next.
Thank you again for spending so much time on this with me. It is very helpful!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
remember me posting to you about being frozen in time. So long as you are there, your H will be happy. Its when you change the rules that he gets flustered.
Part of you is scared that he will file, that is so understandable. but right now, I would not say that the other night would put him over the edge toward filing, I say that the other night is part of his roller coaster home.
Hope- Glad you are feeling better! PandDBing is very wise...i took some of her advice and applied it to my own sitch (sorry to steal it)! Just remember to be good to you...you deserve the best (and not this crap that your H is putting you through). Enjoy your evening!
I haven't read the whole tread yet, just recent; and I can say that I heard almost exactly the same things. After my H "was giving" me a chance, saying that he needs to see, what we can have and what we can't, whether he has feeling for the OW or it's just fantasy, blah-blah.. Apparently, this chance turned into his desicion to drop everything and leave for the OW, right after telling me that our 11 year relationship wasn't meant to be from the start, wasn't working for a very long time, wouldn't work anyway and that he wanted no part of it.
Well, you know what? You might want to stop listening to him as I did, and start listening to your intuition. Not what you want to find out, but what you really know deep inside. Start listening to the real you, the one that seems to be suppressed and overwhelmed now; and when you find your core and tune into your inner voice, you might find out surprising things. For example, you might find the feeling about what's going to happens next, what it is that you really want, and whether this relationship is what and how you want it in your life.
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
Just ate a little something. It's amazing how a broken heart can mess you up physically. I hadn't been hungry most of the day.
Imdi, glad you took some advice that was posted here! Anything that helps any of us is a blessing.
Shocked, yes, I do remember the frozen in time post. All I can do now is detach again like I did before. If it flusters him again, well, I'll try to deal with it better next time.
update: He has already tried to call me again. Can you even believe this? I did not answer my phone and let it go to vm, which, surprisingly, he left a message. In it, he said, "Hi, it's me..." in a fairly down-sounding tone of voice. He wanted to tell me he had used the debit card and had some updates to our shared acct., so when I got a chance could I give him a call? Then he closed with his ever-popular "Take care". So now he's baited the trap. He could have left the amounts of the receipts on the message, but instead he's asked me to call him back. I wanted to let some time go by before I did that. It probably means nothing that he called; he didn't say, "Wanted to see how you are doing." I'm going to open a new thread, as this will lock soon.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Look, Hope is smiling.