Although my H. says he knows he does not love me in that way anymore, not that he's unsure.
Oh, don't get me wrong. That's what my H had been saying *during* the fiasco. Only after he came back home did he explain what was *really* going through his mind. He would have *never* admitted to being confused at the time. Remember, my H had told me that he hated me and couldn't even stand to look at me. I would have said at that time that he seemed very sure of what he was saying. But look at him now...
I'd like to believe he's still confused, but he surely didn't sound it on the phone.
Again, he's not going to let you think he's confused. Maybe right now he doesn't even know he is. However ...
But I know I didn't imagine the closeness I felt when he hugged me while we were watching tv. There are some things you cannot fake.
Bingo. Actions speak louder than words. When H and I were intimate in December, I *knew* I felt something, even though it was all a little awkward, and I could tell H was uncomfortable. And he was uncomfortable and awkward, but he says now that he knew even then that his uncomfortableness was caused by his own guilt and anger at himself. Even with all that, though, I still felt "closeness" with him, just as you did with your H. And so your thoughts here:
I think perhaps he feels a lot of guilt when he is with me and it is something he would need to get past. Maybe he can't, I don't know. But see, when he does see me, it only takes a few hours before he wants to leave because he can't deal with how it makes him feel. He would have to go through it to get over it, but he never sticks it out long enough, if that makes any sense. And now, he's telling me he doesn't WANT to.
...seem to be right on the money. He can't deal effectively with his own guilt. It has nothing to do with you. What *you* have to do is stop letting his self-anger affect you and send you into a downward spiral. That's the hard part. As you know, the best thing you can do is back off and let him stew in his own guilt. I can promise you something: I would have *never* believed that my H felt as guilty as what he now says he did during the four months he was gone. He had me convinced that he couldn't stand me and that it didn't hurt his feelings one bit to feel that way. But you should hear his stories now. I can assure, if most WASs are like mine, things certainly aren't always as they appear with them.
And as for him calling, I don't expect that he will for a while, but if he does I am not going to answer.
Good idea. Build that strength up for a while. But once you feel enough time has gone by, pick up the phone and act like the past week never happened. That'll throw him for a loop. Be happy. You know the drill.
A part of me wants to tell H. that I really want us to be friends, and that I don't think he can do that until he forgives himself for what has happened.
Yes, but that would be you telling him that he has a problem, and he doesn't want to hear that. If you're going to become friends, it's just going to happen. If you mention that you *want* the two of you to be friends, it's going to push him away. Let things happen, instead of trying to make things happen. See for a while how that treats you. If it doesn't work, tweak the game plan a bit.
we have not been conducting ourselves as friends; it's been more like a business relationship for the past 2 months. Then out of nowhere he expected to come home and be all in love with me after one stir fry dinner. That is completely unrealistic.
No, he got the sense that you were getting over him, so he came over to make sure you're not. And it worked. Then, because the "excitement" of him thinking that you were going to be a chase for him went away, so he had to pull something out of his a$$ to tell you for why he came over and did that. Any WAS's first line is going to be: "I just wanted to see if 'it' was still there." That's what they *have* to say, because they don't want to tell you that they actually got scared for a minute that you were moving on with your life.
They're silly. And kinda transparent. Don't let him fool you. He has absolutely no plan. You do. That's what puts you at an advantage.
