Your post really helped me feel better today. Thank you for explaining to me what was going on with your H. I think it is SO helpful when one of these WAH's comes back and is able to share with their spouse what was going on, and in turn the spouse can share it with the rest of us LBS's.
My H has told me since he's been back home that he was still very confused at that point. He really didn't know what he wanted. He said being in the house made him feel really uncomfortable. And he admitted that he didn't know at that point if he loved me or not. Well, this is almost word-for-word what I heard on the phone last night; esp. the feeling uncomfortable part. Although my H. says he knows he does not love me in that way anymore, not that he's unsure.
He's not ready to re-commit just yet, and he's certainly not wanting to think of all the work it would take to fix what he has broken in your R. He's scared and confused, Hope. And that's a lot more promising than being apathetic. I'd like to believe he's still confused, but he surely didn't sound it on the phone. But I know I didn't imagine the closeness I felt when he hugged me while we were watching tv. There are some things you cannot fake. You are right, he does not want to think about (or do) the work that it would take emotionally for us to be together. I think perhaps he feels a lot of guilt when he is with me and it is something he would need to get past. Maybe he can't, I don't know. But see, when he does see me, it only takes a few hours before he wants to leave because he can't deal with how it makes him feel. He would have to go through it to get over it, but he never sticks it out long enough, if that makes any sense. And now, he's telling me he doesn't WANT to.
I will tell you that your H obviously became more attracted to the elusive-you, and I think you should take note of that in a big way I have. Today is my recovery day and boy did I need it. Tomorrow I will put on a smile and go back to work and try to forget that this even happened. And as for him calling, I don't expect that he will for a while, but if he does I am not going to answer.
I've always said that DBing is toughest during the times when you need to be doing it the most That is very true. I can hear my little inner voice telling me to DB during those very difficult moments, but I get too emotional and end up grasping, just like you said.
Just hang in there, and don't beat yourself up, okay? You'll be back in the game before you know it. I know you're tired of it all, but you've got it in you to hang in there just a little while longer I'll do my best. It's very difficult when I miss him so much, and he comes over like he did and I want so much to think maybe things are improving...and then they clearly don't; in fact they worsen.
A part of me wants to tell H. that I really want us to be friends, and that I don't think he can do that until he forgives himself for what has happened. To be honest we have not been conducting ourselves as friends; it's been more like a business relationship for the past 2 months. Then out of nowhere he expected to come home and be all in love with me after one stir fry dinner. That is completely unrealistic. I wish he could just slow things down and start being my friend again, and let things fall where they may in time.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
