Hey, Hope. I got caught up last night on your sitch and was disheartened to read about what happened -- not because I think you screwed up, or that your H is as finished as what he says he is, but because you're hurting from the exchange.
Everyone else has provided wonderful advice, especially about the need to emotionally detach yourself from H. That's all you can do -- for yourself, and for your M if it has a chance of surviving.
Though you've gotten really good advice already, and mine is not that different, I want to remind you of my personal experience with H, in the hopes that maybe it'll show you that what happened with you is certainly not the end of your M, especially if you don't want it to be.
When my H started coming back around in December, I realize it was due in part to me "dropping the rope." H could tell a difference and he realized that I wasn't going to chase him. I believe he came around just to see if I would still have him back. When he found out I would, remember what happened? Less than a week later, I caught him in bed with OW, and the progress he and I had made toward reconciliation flew right out the window.
Now that he's back home, I've asked him what was going through his mind when he started coming back home in December. What happened with H then seems to be similar to what's happening with your H now. We ML and everything during that time, and then he turned the switch off and went right back to OW.
My H has told me since he's been back home that he was still very confused at that point. He really didn't know what he wanted. He said being in the house made him feel really uncomfortable. And he admitted that he didn't know at that point if he loved me or not.
Here's what I'm trying to say in a nutshell: Your H is still very confused, so you can't attach to anything he says or does right now. But the fact that he let his guard down, then started freaking out, makes me not believe all the things he said during his freak-out session. If he's anything like my H, he said it because he got scared. He's not ready to re-commit just yet, and he's certainly not wanting to think of all the work it would take to fix what he has broken in your R. He's scared and confused, Hope. And that's a lot more promising than being apathetic.
I know you feel that the road has ended, but I wouldn't count your chickens just yet. I will tell you that your H obviously became more attracted to the elusive-you, and I think you should take note of that in a big way. In the coming weeks, as the emotional fire from what recently transpired between the two of you begins to burn down a little, pick yourself up and start all over. The *only* way you can win this, Hope, is if you "act as if" you're moving on with your life without H. Eventually, you won't have to act. It's going to happen -- with or without him. But if you want to try *everything* before giving up on your M, try to truly emotionally detach. And try to stay away from H in the meantime. It's gonna be hard, especially if he starts chasing you again.
I remember, when things started falling apart for me after those two good weeks in December, I started grasping and clawing and scratching in an attempt to keep control over what was happening with H. Everything I had worked for was slipping right between my fingers, and I thought that I could grasp it to keep it in my hands. It didn't work.
That's kinda what you did after the incident with your H the other day, and it's to be expected. I've always said that DBing is toughest during the times when you need to be doing it the most.
But *I* didn't screw up by scratching and clawing a little, and you didn't either. We're not superhuman and can't be expected to not be emotionally invested in what's going on.
Just hang in there, and don't beat yourself up, okay? You'll be back in the game before you know it. I know you're tired of it all, but you've got it in you to hang in there just a little while longer.
